The Outsiders' Edge

Visit www.verticallystripedsocks.com for more of Craig Dodge’s great work. Few people are more excited for October basketball than Craig.

The NFL is kind of like a woman, even though we’ll never fully understand it, we are fascinated and keep trying to come up with a stable set of rules. Then, as soon as we think we have it down, she up and does forty-seven things that confuse you and make your rules meaningless, but here are this week’s attempts to make sense of the senseless.

1. Colts – The Colts against the Rams is patently unfair. The Rams looked like a high school team trying to compete against Indianapolis. I almost feel like Peyton Manning should have played the first half with his left hand, Inigo Montoya style, because with his right hand it was over too quickly. The Colts are clearly an elite team in the NFL, and with games upcoming with the likes of the 49ers, Texans, Ravens, Patriots, and Broncos, they will get a chance to legitimize their greatness, as their six wins are not over the best teams in the NFL. Other than victories over two decent teams in the Cardinals and Dolphins, there is not much to get excited about with taking down the Jags, Seahawks, Titans and Rams.

2. Saints – Until Sunday’s game versus the Dolphins the Saints had never trailed in a game, so being down by 21 points on the road was a sizable challenge. They proved that their potent offense can work from behind as well as from ahead, and their defense allowed only 10 second half points, as the Saints prove that they have some heart in remaining undefeated with a huge statement win in Miami.

3. Patriots – I don’t think the Patriots liked being beaten in Denver. Since that day when the Broncos took them down in overtime, they have outscored their opponents 94-7, which is a pretty good output over a two week span…In fact, over the past two weeks, the Patriots have exceeded the entire season of point scoring for the Redskins, Rams, Browns, Titans, and Raiders and it equals the scoring for the Panthers.

4.Vikings – Although I’d love to rip on Brett Favre for the Vikings loss, it’s not his fault. His interception was a fluke which bounced off of Chester Taylor’s hands and should have been caught, and his fumble which was taken back to the house should never have happened, as the Vikings should have had a lead towards the end of the game as the refs should never have called the Vikes for a tripping call, as no tripping ever actually happened. The Vikings have been living on luck, and on Sunday lady luck kissed the Steelers instead, but they are still playing some good football, and have to be considered the favorite in the NFC North.

Brett Favre following the game in Green Bay.

5. Broncos – After a well deserved week off, the Broncos jump right back into the fire with a tough game at Baltimore. Will the magic carpet ride continue for Broncos fans? I sure hope so.

6. Steelers – Their win over Minnesota on Sunday was entertaining, but I’m not sure that the Pittsburgh faithful should find a ton of reasons to feel confident in it. Without a phantom tripping call on a Minnesota touchdown which was followed on the very next play by a huge momentum shifting 77 yard fumble return for a touchdown. The momentum shifted back to the Vikes as Percy Harvin took back the kickoff for a score and then held the Steelers to a punt. The game was sealed for the Steelers right as the Vikings moved into the red zone as a Brett Favre screen pass was inadvertently tipped up in the air by Chester Taylor and returned 82 yards for a touchdown by Keyaron Fox. When you’re winning games due to fluke interceptions and fumble returns, you’re lucky, but I’m not sure how good you are. The Super Bowl champs are clearly a good team, but I’m not sure they’re a great team.

7. Bengals – Okay, I’m in on the Bengals. They are an actual good team. They are capable of dropping a game at home that they should win. (See Texans, Houston) However, they are also capable of dropping a bomb on a decent team like the Bears. Their defense harassed Jay Cutler into multiple mistakes, and Carson Palmer was on fire, as was the charismatic but stupidly self-renamed Chad Ochocinco. (Seriously, can we please go back to calling him Chad Johnson? I like the guy, but this is a bad joke that is second year of being told.) When the Bengals are on their game, they are capable of giving anybody a game. They may even be able to win the AFC North. This game was the surprise of the weekend to me. I wasn’t surprised that they won so much as surprised they won by 35 points.

8. Ravens – Sunday’s game with the Broncos is huge for Baltimore. They are coming off of a bye, they are a good team that is unfortunately on a three game slide, and this game is way more important to them than it is to Denver. All of these signs point to a Raven victory, but all of those signs were present the last time the Broncos took the field, and yet they were able to take down the Chargers despite all of them. The Ravens really need this one a ton more than Denver does, as they cannot afford to fall much further behind the Steelers and Bengals, but if the Broncos have taught us anything thus far it’s that they should not be underestimated.

9. Cardinals – Suddenly Arizona looks like the class of the NFC West. Winning at Giants Stadium on Sunday night was big. They look to have recaptured the spark that they rode to the Super Bowl last year, and suddenly they may once again be a player in the NFC.

10. Giants – Dropping two in a row is worrisome for a team that half a month ago many were crowning as the best in all of football. Sunday night’s game seemed like a given that the Giants would win, and yet the Cardinals outplayed them. Eli looked shaky, and the pass defense is suddenly very suspect.

11. Chargers – Dissecting the Chiefs puts the Bolts back at .500. At three games back of Denver, they are either finished or in perfect position to make their traditional second half run. Time will tell which option they take.

12. Cowboys – Breathe easier Cowboy fans, your team showed that it can play big against a legit team by taking down the Falcons in convincing fashion on Sunday. Despite looking very mediocre to begin this season, they find themselves with a respectable record of 4-2 and right in the middle of the NFC playoff hunt. The possibility even remains that the enormous testament to Jerry Jones’ ego in Irving known as the new Texas Stadium could host a playoff game in its rookie year.

13. Packers – Since losing to Brett Favre in Minnesota, the Packers have regrouped with a bye week and two victories over the twin titans of Detroit and Cleveland. They should be emotionally healed for this Sunday’s game in Green Bay against Favre and the Vikings which may be the toughest ticket of the NFL season. If they hope to compete with Minnesota this year for the division, they really need to take down Favre on his first visit to Lambeau as the opposing starting QB.

14. Falcons – After the opening drive in Dallas in which Atlanta marched right down the field for a score, it appeared this game might not be close. It wasn’t, but it was the Falcons on the losing end. The Cowboys shut down the Falcons who looked rather weak after looking like world beaters in the previous two games. The Falcons are turning into one of those teams that can look amazing or pathetic, and there is no rhyme or reason as to whether the good team or the bad team will take the field. I think they are better than the team that lost to the Cowboys on Sunday, but worse than the team that went into San Francisco a few weeks back and won 45-10, I’m sure the true Falcons lie somewhere in between.

15. Texans – Matt Schaub and company are sporting their first winning record of the season. The past two weeks they have looked somewhat impressive in taking care of a very solid Bengals team in Cincinnati and in holding off a late run by the Niners. Apart from two games against the Colts and one with the Patriots, the rest of their schedule isn’t overly imposing, and it’s not impossible to imagine that they make it to 9-7 which might put them on the outskirts of a playoff berth.

16. Eagles – Philly showed that they are capable of thumping a bad team. Donovan McNabb rebounded to have a decent game against the Redskins, but their defense had such gaping holes in the secondary that it would be difficult for a quarterback to not hit for a few touchdowns. I found myself wondering last night, “What is the point of having Michael Vick on this team?” He doesn’t seem to have the burst he had before doing time, and judging by the little bit I have seen him on the field; I don’t think he is making many defensive coordinators nervous.

I'm sure this guy doesn't regret spending $150 on a jersey for a guy with less than 25 total yards on the season.

17. Jets – The Jets were blessed by the NFL schedule gods with the one thing which is almost certain to cure a three game losing skid, a date with the Oakland Raiders. Pummeling Oakland 38-3 is a great way to get healthy, and the Jets need to get fat on this relatively easy upcoming portion of their schedule, as their final three games are pretty tough. New York ends with the Falcons, Colts and Bengals.

18. 49ers – The Niners were looking smooth right up until the week before their bye when they were pounded by Atlanta and then yesterday they were down 21-0 at half. What has happened to San Francisco? They were almost saved with a brilliant second half surge as Alex Smith was put in for Shaun Hill and he tossed three touchdowns to Vernon Davis, but it wasn’t enough, and they lost their second straight game. Now, it appears that Smith will pull starting signal-caller duties, as Mike Singletary’s club tries to recapture the magic from their opening month. I’m very interested to see how Smith does when it appeared as recently as three weeks ago that his last chance with the 49ers had passed.

19. Bears – Chicago is reeling. The Jay Cutler trade which was heralded as a huge coup for the Bears has not looked very good over the past month. His penchant for tossing careless interceptions is rearing its ugly head, he doesn’t have time behind the awful offensive line, and the defense is not stopping teams when they need to stop them. Losing to the Bengals is nothing to be ashamed of, but getting obliterated by them is not something that should happen if you consider yourself a contender. Not sure how much I believe in the Bears, the playoffs seem very unlikely.

20. Dolphins – Despite the fact that Miami is only 2-4, they have looked pretty solid this season so far. Sunday’s game may be the one that killed their postseason chances, though. When you have a team on the ropes at 24-3, you have to finish them off. Granted, that team was Drew Brees and his Saints, so it’s a tough task, but Tony Sparano usually finds a way to win that type of game. However, on Sunday, the Saints were too much and they kept getting stronger as the game progressed. Still, that was a huge opportunity lost for a team in Miami that really needed it.

21. Seahawks – Their schedule isn’t overly difficult, so if they are able to put together a good run, they could get themselves back into contention in mediocre NFC West, but that seems unlikely, as they have a tendency to get pounded by mediocre teams. Despite a lot of sleeper talk over the offseason, it appears that Seattle is still just not very good.

22. Bills – Buffalo has managed to cobble together two straight wins, although they are hardly setting the world on fire, they have managed to get some victories. In each of their past two wins, I hope Bills head coach Dick Jauron sent the opposing quarterbacks a game ball. Last week it was Matt Sanchez with five picks, and this week the immortal Jake Delhomme tossed three footballs to Bills defenders. It’s pretty nice to pick up wins when you are getting outplayed. The Bills offense is so bad that they have handed the reigns to a guy who played his college football at Harvard. The Ivy League is a wonderful place to find guys to lead your business, but there has been less success going there to find guys to lead your offense.

23. Panthers – Jake Delhomme is playing with zero confidence, and his results on the field suggest that he should not have any. Thus far this season through six games he has 4 touchdowns 13 interceptions and a dreadful 56.5 QB rating. John Fox can no longer hang his hopes on the possibility that perhaps Jake plays his way out of it. Carolina cannot win with what they are getting from the most important position on the field.

North Carolina legend Ric Flair may be a better option at QB for the Panthers than Jake Delhomme.

24. Jaguars – What is the significance of the following numbers: 46,520, 49,014, and 42,088? They are the attendance figures for the first three Jacksonville Jaguars home games this season. The stadium’s capacity is 76,877, so I think it’s safe to say that plenty of good seats are still available for Jaguars games. It’s hard to create much of a menacing home field advantage when half the seats are empty. Not that I blame the good people of Jacksonville, the Jags have hardly given them much to be excited about this year. This is one of the least exciting teams in the league; they can’t get anything good going on the field or in the ticket sales office. They can’t even get someone to sponsor the stadium. It used to be known as Alltel Stadium, but Alltel didn’t renew their contract after it expired, and the place is now known simply as Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. If the Jags can’t generate a little local enthusiasm, one wonders how much longer there will be a team in Northeast Florida.

25. Redskins – Look, I understand that your team is 77 years old, and that you have had the same team name the entire time you have been in existence. This does not change the fact that your name is racist, stupid, and in desperate need of a change. I used to be in the camp that hoped it would never get changed, but I changed my mind a few years ago, as it’s impossible to dispute that “Redskin” was a slur. It may mean something noble to Washington fans today, but you can’t change what it was. I fully support a change, besides, it’s not like the name is all that attractive anyway. Mr. Snyder, Start something new, and remove your football program from the ugly past. Plus, think of all the money you’d make with new merchandise! Changing the franchise name would be the only positive move that could come from Washington football this year, as the Redskins as currently construed on the field are an unmitigated disaster. Now the internet is buzzing about how Dan Snyder is acting like a petulant child and kicking out fans who have anti-Snyder signs or chant anti-Snyder slogans. He really needs a taste of the Han Solo edition blaster.

An Irate Redskin fan attacks Daniel Snyder following the Skins loss to the Eagles.

26. Lions – What a battle of behemoths we have in store on Sunday at Ford Field. Rams versus Lions! I guess I’d favor Detroit since they are at home, but if St. Louis wants to win a game this season; this may be their best chance. You have got to admire how the Lions are trying, but they are not talented enough yet to compete.

27. Titans – Congratulations to the Titans are in order for managing to not lose this past Sunday. True, they didn’t play a game, but with the way this season has started for Tennessee, we’re starting with baby steps. Oh, and a message to Jeff Fisher…When you’re 0-6 with a team that had the best record in the AFC a year ago, perhaps the best way to curry favor with your fans would be to NOT wear the jersey of an opposing quarterback from your own division and say that you just want to feel like a winner. Yes, we fans may be childish in not liking that sort of thing, but sometimes discretion is the better part of valor, my man.

28. Browns – The fact that there are several teams that are worse than the Browns in the NFL speaks to the high volume of putrid teams in the league. There is zero reason for hope if you’re a Browns fan. Ever since this team came back into the league ten years ago, they have been mostly a laughing stock. It’s got to be discouraging to be a Browns fan. You see your team that has never even played in a Super Bowl and who’s only glory years come from the prehistoric time before the Super Bowl era leave town and quickly become a perennial powerhouse, even winning a Super Bowl. Four years after your team is ripped from your loving clutches, you get them back in expansion form, and that franchise bumbles and stumbles with only one playoff game for the entire first decade of its existence with little to no reason to believe that it will emerge from the mediocrity. If you live in Cleveland, you have my pity. I hope that LeBron doesn’t leave Ohio, just because if he does there may be mass suicides amongst the sports fans of Cleveland.

29. Raiders – After a bizarre week in which Oakland took down a decent Eagles team, order was restored to the universe as the Raiders returned to their Commitment to Exceptionally Bad Football. The Raiders were lambasted in front of a disgruntled Black Hole yesterday. The crowd, which dresses for Halloween year round, lustily booed Jamarcus Russell who was a pathetic 6-11 with two interceptions in the short time that Tom Cable allowed him to stay behind center. Russell took his last snap from center with eleven and a half minutes remaining in the second quarter. Bruce Gradkowski was brought into a game that was 21-0, and the Raiders didn’t exactly rally behind him as they ended up getting blown out 38-0 to the Jets in front of their home fans. All good mojo that they earned from beating the Eagles is officially gone, and Richard Seymour’s guarantee of a playoff berth seems slightly more ridiculous than it did last week.
30. Chiefs – I don’t think it’s too soon to say that Matt Cassel’s season with the Patriots may have been an anomaly. In his game against the Chargers on Sunday he completed only 40% of his passes, threw 3 interceptions, and had an embarrassing 25.3 quarterback rating. I think Kansas City may be regretting throwing a six year, 63 million dollar contract with 28 million in guarantees to a quarterback with exactly one good season since High School.

31. Buccaneers – You can take the team out of Tampa, but even a cross Atlantic flight can’t take the stink off of the Buccaneers. If the NFL really wants to grow the sport overseas, it should probably start sending better games over to London. It reminds me of when I ask my four year old daughter to share her toys with her two year old brother, she sort of does it, but he usually doesn’t get the good ones. Sorry, England, there are better games over here in the states, but apparently we don’t feel like sharing our good toys with you. This one was never close as the suddenly juggernaut Patriots ran roughshod over a weak Bucs squad in a 35-7 romp. The Bucs are a bad, bad football team.

Bucs fans with their team would have taken the Titanic home from their game in England.

32. Rams – The bloom is off the rose with Steve Spagnolo. The rookie head coach is flailing, and this Rams team is abysmal. It is not inconceivable that the Rams could follow in footsteps of Detroit and we could have a second consecutive year with a winless team. They have a few potentially winnable games with the Lions and Titans remaining on their schedule, but they have shown little that would give me confidence that they can even get one of those games.

(Alright, I am contractually obligated to post this article from our New York correspondent prior to the World Series. Everybody be nice and humor him, because Joel is likely to be pretty pissed off in about a week after the Phillies slay his team in the World Series.)

World Series baby!!!  Whooooo!! Excuse me while I do my Ric Flair strut.  After a first round scrimmage with the Minnesota Twins,  the New York Yankees have defeated long time pests the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in six games to clinch their first World Series birth since 2003.  They will try to do something the New York Mets haven’t been able to do, defeat the Philadelphia Phillies.

It took a total team effort.  The big contract signings of AJ Burnett and CC Sabathia have paid off this year, especially Sabathia.  The big lefty has dominated in this postseason, whether it is on regular rest or three days rest.  Burnett and Andy Petitte have also played a vital role, as the starting pitching has been tremendous all postseason long.  The bullpen has been shaky with Joba Chamberlain, Phil Hughes and Alfredo Aceves all taking their turn in stinking up the joint.  Some of manager Joe Girardis pitching decisions have come under fire as well.  It took two full seasons and a few games into the postseason, but we now know Girardi went to the Tony La Russa school of late game management with how he yanks his relievers.

Derek Jeter has been Derek Jeter.  He has been getting on base, hitting home runs and setting the tone for the offense.  First baseman Mark Teixeria hasn’t had the best postseason at the plate, but his work at first base defensively has been tremendous.  Still, it would be nice to see Tex start hitting the ball better.  It could be worse.  He could still be in Anaheim, or he could be Steve Phillips.

What can we say about the postseason Alex Rodriguez is having?  Every homer he has hit has been significant, from the game 2 shots against Joe Nathan and Brian (I’m walking forever for the rest of my career) Fuentes to the game tying homerun against Carl Pavano.  He has been aggressive on the bases, coaching the guys from the dugout, what got into this guy?

Now, we play the best the JV, I’m sorry, The National League, has to offer.  The Phillies have a great lineup that is loaded with lefties. That being said, if Vicente Padilla can shut them down, I don’t see why CC and company can’t do the same.  If Hughes or Joba continue to struggle, it would be nice to see Dave Robertson get a shot.  He has pitched in extra inning situations  only so far, but those are still pressure packed spots where a mistake is magnified even more.  It would also be interesting to see if Pedro Martinez really gets the nod in game 2 of this series.  Is he familiar with pitching against the Yankees? Yes. I weigh about 350 lbs and am very familiar with a treadmill, doesn’t mean I should be a personal trainer.  Get what I am trying to say?  Let them bring Pedro and his 86 mph stuff to the hitting heaven that is Yankee Stadium, they will pay dearly for it.  I know Mr. Kline may hold a lifelong grudge with me for this, but Yanks in 5.

Pedro holds up the jersey of the best team he has ever played for.

Food for thought, if A Rod had the same postseason Tex has had, how would the media treat him?  One last thing, I would be an idiot if I were not to mention the great job Mariano Rivera has done in this postseason once again.  He does his job so well that we forget to mention him at times.  Watching Jonathan Broxton, Jonathan Papelbon, Joe Nathan, Brian Fuentes and Huston Street all blow saves this postseason should make us appreciate him more. These are all closers who have made all star appearances as well.  It is very rare we get to see someone who is the absolute best ever at their position perform, especially a sport with a rich history as baseball.  Yankee fans should be glad he is on that team.

Mo Rivera has been Lidge like in his dominance this postseason.

All this Yankee hoopla has overshadowed the suddenly slumping New York Giants.  Since stepping up in competition, the Giants haven’t looked like the most complete team in the league some of us thought they were.  There is a big game coming up on Sunday with the Philadelphia Eagles.  To avoid a crisis situation, they need to beat these birds.  They play the same day as game 4 of the World Series, so Philadelphia will be the sports capital of the world for that weekend.  Too bad they won’t be celebrating too much when Sunday becomes Monday.

Eli reacts poorly to dominating Eagles blitz.

The Jets are making me look like a genius.  Last time you heard from I mentioned how I am not a believer in this team yet and Mark Sanchez is due to turn in some dreadful performances.  I do not hear anyone calling him the Sanchize anymore.  He has gone from the big time Mcdonalds like franchise quarterback to something of a joke, like the Crabby Patty.  That may be a bit harsh, but that is the way it goes here in New York.  We can also blame Matt Ryan, who has just waltzed into the NFL and has become a star.  The Jets did manage to win their last game against perennial super bowl contenders the Oakland Raiders, so maybe things will turn around.  They have lost key players Kris Jenkins and Leon Washington for the season in back to back weeks, however.  Jenkins is injury prone, so there is no surprise there.  The injury to Washington was painful to watch.  Anyone who saw that had to have winced, the bone pierced through his skin like what Bolo Yeung did to that dude in Bloodsport.  His career is in jeopardy.  We all wish him a speedy recovery.

How about them Rangers?  Those guys have gotten off to a great start. Free agent pickup Martin Gaborik has so far shaken off his injury prone rep and has played like a top 5 talent, the penalty killing has been better than anyone could have imagined and they are very fun to watch.  They should be right in the middle of things when the postseason comes around.

Two more days and the Knicks will begin their last season where nobody cares.  I expect them to be quite entertaining and possibly compete for the last playoff spot and be swept in the first round.  Coach Mike D’Antoni has promised to stress defense this season.  I am taking all bets on that one.  There are seven guys on that roster who are in the last year of their hideous contracts.  It will be interesting to see what happens.

Speaking of hideous contracts, I was watching game 3 of the ALCS and I saw Dave Robertson warming up.  While he was in the pen warming up Tim McCarver made a comment on how Robertson signed for a few bucks and has turned out to be quite the find while Kei Igawa went the Bernie Madoff route and has stolen damn near twenty million dollars from the New York Yankees.  I don’t know whether to shake his hand for being such a genius or punching him in his face.  Either way it got me to thinking who else had some terrible contracts? At first I decided to solely include New York Knicks, but the more I thought about it almost every city team has made some colossal mistakes. So here are the top 10 worst contracts in New York sports history.

10. Jose Contreras P, New York Yankees  4 years $32 million

Remember this guy?  He was the guy who ignited the whole evil empire nonsense.
Both the Yankees and the Red Sox flew to Panama to try to sign Contreras.  The Red Sox thought they had a deal, but when they found out he decided to go with the Yankees Red Sox brass decided to take it out on their hotel room.  The guy turned out to be a bum, only pitching well against the bad teams in the league and getting rocked against the Red Sox.  Eventually got traded to the White Sox and had a little bit of success there, even winning a title.

9. Oliver Perez P, New York Mets 3 years $36 million

It is really tough to put someone who is only in their first year of this deal on this list, but that should show you how terrible his year was.  They could have went after Derek Lowe for a few more dollars but balked for whatever reason.  They could have even kept Pedro and save him the spanking he is going to get in game 2 of the World Series on Thursday.  Instead they went with Ollie, and he rewarded their faith by going 3 and 4 with a 6.82 ERA. Hope he turns it around, because he is desired almost as much as Eddy Curry right now.

8.  Jared Jeffries F, New York Knicks 5 years $30 million

I have this rule when it comes to scouting basketball players.  If the first word that comes out of that scouts mouth are energy guys, good locker room guys (what is that anyway? What, is he gonna get a towel for you?) or anything similar to that those guys are bums. They are just being kind.  Jared Jeffries has some things you like in a basketball player.  He is tall, he can move and he puts his pants on one leg at a time. That’s about it.

7. Kei Igawa P, New York Yankees 5 years $20 million

Nothing much to say here, he gets 4 million a year to wear sunglasses on the mound in minor league games.  May have the best job in the world.  Cashman seemed to reach for him because of the whole Dice-K thing in Boston. Why didn’t he try getting one of those good young pitchers from the Marlins like Boston did with Beckett? Oh yeah, he did. Keep reading.

6.   Pedro Martinez P, New York Mets 4 years, $54 million

Ok I know it may seem like I have it in for this guy.  Truth be told, he was one of the more dominant pitchers in baseball when with the Montreal Expos and Boston Red Sox.  He is also on the exclusive can’t do anything wrong list with the media along with Derek Jeter and Shaquille O’Neal. But for 4 years and 54 million dollars you would want more than just one full season and a bunch of good quotes in the newspapers.  The only time the Mets made the postseason during his tenure there he couldn’t even pitch.  He missed most of the next season with a laundry list of injuries as well.  He was signed here to be the ace to the staff and he was a bust.  Plain and simple.

5.   Jason Giambi 1B, New York Yankees 7 years, $119 million

He probably would be higher if not for the great seasons he had the first two years of this deal.  The mysterious thyroid problem, the steroid issues and the gold thong thing put him on this list.  I think the Yankees knew they were going to have to move him to DH eventually and he was going to be a liability on the basepaths during the later stages of his contract.  They did of bad job of avoiding a log jam at the DH spot and forcing him to play first. He did revive his career after all the steroid nonsense and became a serviceable player, but for all those millions we should have gotten Hall of Fame type stuff from him.  Probably hell to play against in beer pong though.

Jose Contreras and Jason Giambi exchange horro stories about playing for the Yankees during a mound meeting in Colorado.

4. Bobby Bonilla OF New York Mets 5 years $25 million

This contract was given out in 1992, so 25 mil at 5 years was considered huge at that time.  Bonilla came over from Pittsburgh, where along with Jay Bell and Barry Bonds they formed the killer B’s and won some pennants only to lose in the NLCS.  The Mets should have waited one more year and went after Bonds, who was far and away the superior player.  Bobby’s numbers dropped at an alarming rate.  He had to wear cotton in his ears to drown out all the booing.  The Mets traded him only three years later to the Baltimore Orioles for Alex Ochoa.  The Bonilla signing was just one of three major acquisitions the Mets made during that period.  They also traded for pitcher Brett Saberhagen and acquired Hall of Famer (seriously this time) Eddie Murray.  Those three helped carry the Mets to zero playoff wins and appearances as well as more last place finishes than first place ones.  Good times.

3. Eddy Curry C, New York Knicks

The Knicks traded a slew of expiring contracts to get this guy.  So we actually could have been under the cap if not for trading for this colossal failure.  We should even include Isaiah Thomas on this list.  How can he get paid for making the deals he made?  Injuries and a lot of personal stuff aside, the guy is not worth his deal.  He says he wouldn’t mind a change of scenery.  I think if we were to start a collection plate and ask every Knick fan to donate some money to send Eddy to Aruba he might get his wish.

2.  Carl Pavano P, New York Yankees 4 years $40 million

Here was the Florida pitcher we were talking about. He like Contreras was heavily sought after by many teams.  The Yankees ended up with the prize.  The man won 9 games for his whole contract. NINE GAMES.  Two wins a year.  Four and a half million dollars a win.  At the very least, the man played in more than 10 games.  Unlike this guy…………..

Pavs gives himself a concussion while taking off his cap.

1. Jerome James C New York Knicks 5 years 30 million

Someone needs to look up the family tree of this guy.  If for whatever Ike Austin, Oliver Miller and/or Troy Hudson pop up, things would be clearer.  How many times does a guy have one good playoff series during their contract year and they get paid the big bucks afterwards?  After the Knicks signed him he went made it his personal mission to never play again.  He broke his promise last year and shot 1.000 percent for the season, going one for one from the field and 2 for 2 from the foul line.  Proving once again that the Knicks definitely know a sharp shooter when they see one.  What hurt the most is everyone but Knicks brass knew he sucked.  Hope Walsh doesn’t go out and sign DJ Mbenga with all the cap space we will have next year.

A few of Jerome "Big Snacks" James closest friends on the Knicks.

I only mentioned New York City players because this is a New York City column. I also only mentioned guys the new York team signed, not ones they got from a trade. So Stephon Marbury, Rick Dipietro and Alonzo Mourning were saved from this list. Below is the always awesome honorable mention list.

Scott Gomez and Anson Carter (Rangers) Hideki Irabu and Danny Tartabull (Yanks) Kaz Matsui and Luis Castillo (Mets) Dan Reeves (Giants) Larry Brown and Don Chaney (Knicks) Neil O’Donnell (Jets)

That’s it for now guys.  Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to say my list was good or it sucked.  Just write back.  This is a great website. Get the opinions out there.  Ill be back after the Yanks win number 27.  Later.

Quick Note- Check out my show with Dan Severn http://www.blogtalkradio.com/elevationradio/2009/10/23/Elevation-Radio-with-JPK

Well, we are on the eve of the first game of the 2009 World Series.

I am pumped to see my team, the defending world champion Phils defend their belts in an Undertaker-like fashion against the heel New York Yankees.

This series is going to be so dynamic, so powerful, the dead will rise up, the sick will get healed, the sinners will get righteous, the quiet will start to scream, dogs will howl, cats will meow, bombs will explode, bullpens will implode, riots will puncture tires, start fires, and persecute liars.

Its going to be a bowling shoe ugly, government mule beatin’,  genuine slobber knocker.

Hopefully.

I’ll admit I am completely on edge for this thing. I have a feeling it is going to be drag ‘em out seven game fight or a quick death for one of the two teams.

My game plan for the series is that the Phillies will win one of the first two games in NYC and then go on to win the three games at home. Similar to the recipe they have used in every series since the last NLCS. Against the Dodgers in 08, Rays in 08, and Rockie and Dodgers in 09 the Phils have split the first two games and dominated the middle portion of the series.

Unfortunately the Yankees are not the Rays. Despite Joe Girardi’s rampant over managing- really Freddy Guzman has to pinch run every single game?- the Yankees still possess a 208 million dollar payroll and a dangerous lineup from 1 to 9. Their Achilles heel is the lack of starting pitching. The Phillies have 5 competent starting pitchers. The Yankees have 3. If CC and Burnett aren’t at the top of their games New York will be screwed.

Enough of this. Now its time for me to slobber all over the Phillies bench and role players in an an annoying manner.

Beardo Bruntlett: The greatest pinch runner of all time

Eric Bruntlett is my second favorite player on the Phillies. He always scores huge runs whenever he comes into pinch run in big games. For example he scored the winning run in the clinching game 5 of last year’s World Series and the tying run in game 4 of the NLCS in 2009. After Stairs worked his masterful walk against Broxton, Beardo entered the game and scored on Rollins game winning double. He may not be much of a hitter, although he has come up big under the lights before. Last year in a losing effort against the Rays in game 2, Bruntlett hit a home run off of David Price. That was Beardo’s last home run. Needless to say, he is due. He is kind of like a good luck charm that always has a Forrest Gump like role in the big moment. Kind of like a useful Darko Milicic. But enough about Beardo, lets talk about my real favorite player.

God

What more can be said about Matt Stairs, that hasn’t already been said about Babe Ruth? Alright, probably lots of things. Stairs is a barrel chested throwback to the dead ball era with his timely slugging and lack of fielding skills. He has an amazing eye and secured a critical walk against his personal whipping boy Jonathan Broxton which eventually led to the Phils rally in Game 4. He is kind of like the Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart of the Phillies. I may be the only Phillies fan in the entire world who possesses a genuine Matt Stairs jersey shirt. This will probably end in the World Series, but the Phils are 4-0 in games where I break it out. Probably the greatest winning streak since Goldberg in WCW.

Lidge and Ruiz celebrate Lidge's first save since July. No not really. This is actually from when we won the World Series.

Like I mentioned before the Dodgers series, Brad Lidge is a changed man. Similar to how Batista recently turned heel, Brad Lidge has brought out his BAD SELF. The cut fastball has been dynamic and the slider has more zip on it than ever before. Also going in Lidge’s favor is the Matt Stairs jersey shirt rule. Thats right, Lidge will continue to perform at a high level in the World Series because through the magic of PayPal I made the rash decision to purchase a Lidge jersey for 40$ including shipping and handling from a Chinese knockoff website, that I had better not name here. The shirt is currently en-route to the United States and is probably going to accidentally be delivered to a family living on the island from Lost. Will this rash purchase make any difference at all? Probably not, but I like to believe stupid things.

Speaking of stupid things, how about TNA signing Hulk Hogan. Hogan is 55 years old with artificial hips, knees, and coming off recent back surgery. He is also more protective of his spot at the top of the card than any performer in wrestling and will stop at nothing to make sure the undercard guys do nothing to overshadow him.

I also expect TNA will bring in his usual army of cronies such as Brutus Beefcake, Ultimate Warrior, The Nasty Boys, Jimmy Hart, Horace Hogan, and anybody else they can find. TNA now had Hogan, Russo, Bischoff, and Kevin Nash under one roof. Apparently the whole WCW going out of business thing is a feeling TNA wants to re-create.

Cross the line to bankruptcy!

TNA's new tag team champions.

Anyway, back to the Phillies. There are no more words to be written, predictions to be given, or foolish jerseys to be purchased. The time is now. Just remember Yankees, TO BE THE MAN, YOU HAVE TO BEAT THE MAN. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You Want it Yankees, Come and get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Welcome to the 3rd Edition of the Seattle Chronicles from our man Brad. If you wish to bestow Brad with compliments or to send death threats, follow him on twitter at: http://twitter.com/bivlo)

Finding Something to Root For and Against

Part One: Settling for Acceptable

Several waves of devastation ruined Seattle’s teams last year, so now fans are already looking back warmly on 2009 as not a conquering return, but a needed end of the pummeling.  The Mariners ended their season celebrating on the field and supporters labeled them an absurdly lovable third-place team.  The Huskies are mixing improbable wins on the football field with requisite heartburning losses.  The Sounders will be in the Major League Soccer playoffs, though there are decent odds they won’t score another goal this year.  The Seahawks are halfway to their four-win total from last season, and have vulture-like eyes on St. Louis, Detroit, and Tampa Bay.  We have no reason to gloat, but at least we’ve stopped weeping.

We're Number 3!

With this restored mediocrity, now’s as good a time as any to reassess old wounds.  In Seattle, that means watching Sonicsgate.

Video: http://vimeo.com/7030942

This 80-plus minute recounting of how the Sonics left town instills the multi-year living death of Seattle basketball fans for everyone to enjoy.  The first quarter recounts the team’s glory days in the 1970s and 1990s, with reverential references to local legends like Jack Sikma, Xavier McDaniel, and Hersey Hawkins, plus the players outsiders have heard of.  After that comes an hour of gut-punches, beginning with Starbucks Coffee head Howard Schultz failing at running the Sonics, followed by Oklahoman Clay Bennett succeeding at alienating Seattle from their longest-running pro franchise, and culminating with Seattle politicians screwing up legal efforts that would have stalled and probably stopped the team’s departure.

This documentary agonizing but necessary, like every Super Bowl halftime show since 2004.  It has no problem casting its legion of villains as liars, idiots, and people who look bad in selected photos.  There’s a lot of people to throw your ire at:  Sonics owners Schultz and Bennett, NBA commissioner David Stern as well as lame-duck Seattle mayor Greg Nickels and other politicos, the untalented Jim McIlvaine and Wally Walker.  Fan bias aside, there are some eye-opening sections, especially Stern’s belligerent press conference at the 75-minute mark, and Nickel’s awful showing in court ten minutes later.  The optimist in me says I’ll better remember the heroes of the movie, smart journalists like Art Thiel, the Sonics’ remarkably truthful announcer Kevin Calabro (who now sounds great calling Sounders games), and Seattle’s rage-and-feelings spokesman Sherman Alexie.  These sages are buoyed by a great soundtrack of Seattle hip-hop, which isn’t as ludicrous as it seems. The movie ends with where we are today: Seattle’s either a craven city looking to steal away the prize of Sacramento, Memphis, or some other city, or a solemn totem for what happens when the public doesn’t cave into building a new stadium.

Caption: Anyone else getting a little misty eyed? Nick Collison always brings out the emotions.

Part Two: Finding An(other) Enemy

The all-but-over American League Championship Series between the Angels and the Yankees creates an impossible choice for Mariners fans: which of these two horrible teams do you rooting for?  Either one could be the M’s top rival—the Angels have an annoying geographic identity (Los Angeles and Anaheim are totally different places), annoying fans reliant on Thunderstix and a Rally Monkey, and an annoying habit of dominating the AL West.  And the Yankees, in addition to being the Yankees, cut short the Mariners’ postseasons in 2000 and 2001 and pay Alex Rodriguez what he’s worth, something Seattle was never been willing to do.  The Yankees are oversaturated thanks to the media, but the Angels are oversaturated thanks to an unbalanced schedule that forces Vladimir Guerrero & co. on us every few weeks.   Both teams are good, which is why both teams are awful.

The worst part of the ALCS matchup is that neither team’s fans would list the Mariners as a top rival.  The Yankees, being the high fructose corn syrup of baseball, are in everyone’s crosshairs, and the Angels have to contend with two teams within a hundred miles of them.  The Mariners’ lack of rivalry symmetry is a problem endemic to Seattle.  The Seahawks were quietly punted from the AFC to the NFC due to rivalries between Oakland, San Diego, Denver and Kansas City that go back to the AFL in the 1960s.  NFL officials must have assumed no one would notice when the Seahawks started playing in St. Louis and Phoenix every year.  As for college football, all Washingtonians gears up for the Apple Cup every November, but the University of Washington shouldn’t bother hyping a game against a school with roughly half its enrollment, history, or culture.  The matchup against the University of Oregon is pretty good, if you only look at the past 20 years.  The Seattle Sounders are waiting for the Portland Timbers to step up to the big kids’ table in pro soccer, while the Vancouver Canucks could say the same thing about Seattle’s unimportant hockey team, the Thunderbirds.  We feel awfully marooned up here in this corner of the country.

Seattle residents begrudgingly accept our hockley overlords from the North.

Of course, there was one perfectly acceptable regional rivalry that had been great: the Seattle Supersonics and the Portland Trail Blazers.  Both have ridiculous, archaic nicknames, championship teams from the 1970’s remembered by none, and good teams from the 1990’s that ran into Michael Jordan.  A few years ago, Portland and Seattle lucked into the top two picks in the NBA Draft, which laid out the script for an engaging Greg Oden/Kevin Durant battle for years to come.  Since draft night, that next chapter of the rivalry has been derailed.

Geographic isolation, league machinations, and a lack of vicious indoctrination may have kept Seattle from enjoying a mutual bloodthirsty hatred of other teams, but I think there can be a revival in hating those who are different solely because they live elsewhere, or root for a pack of jerks or criminals.  Here are my proposed new rivalries for Seattle.

Brandon Roy against the Thunder.

-Brandon Roy vs. the Oklahoma City Thunder

You can’t expect Sonics fans to flip a switch and root for the Blazers.  Those guys are awful.  They try to sneak weed onto airplanes and fight dogs.  (Those incidents were a decade ago, but enemy-fuel is long burning.)  The best we can do is root for Brandon Roy, who starred in high school and college in Seattle, but now has to settle for living three hours away from a decent city.  Roy can be the weapon that strikes back at Oklahoma City for moving.  Both Roy’s Blazers—maybe it’s okay to root for them if you put his name in front—and OKC are brimming with young stars that could keep the teams in the playoffs for years.  Everyone in Seattle will happily root for Brandon Roy, and his 8-plus years of shining in Seattle, over Kevin Durant’s one year of playing shooting guard for P.J. Carlissimo in the Thunder’s year zero.  Other Seattle-bred ballplayers can take up the Thunder-killer mantle, but Nate Robinson seems to be more concerned with jumping really high once every couple months, and Aaron Brooks went to college in Oregon, alienating all of his home state.

This is a rivalry by desperation.  Both teams feel somewhat lost in transit, shuttled through the NFL’s divisions.  While the Cowboys and Broncos used to be big enemies to fans in Phoenix and Seattle, now both just face each other, as well as St. Louis and San Francisco squads that are shells of their former greatness.  Besides bonding over a weak division, the Seahawks and Cardinals can bond over their bird mascots—I’d take the osprey over the seed-eater—their charity toward running back Edgerrin James, and their soul-crushing Super Bowl losses to the Pittsburgh Steelers.  It’s hard to find that much to hate about the Cardinals, but the Seahawks lose to them so often that they’re starting to become annoying.

Growing up, sports teams based in Washington, D.C. were a vexing problem.  Was I supposed to care about the Washington Redskins or the Seattle Seahawks?  (The correct answer is that rooting for others will result mostly in agony, especially this year.)  Who was dumb enough to name a city after a state?  (As a slow and self-centered kid, I didn’t get that the name origins went the other way.)  Washington: city v. state is a compelling matchup on name alone, and these two soccer teams already have some bad blood.   These teams played a close, exciting U.S Open Cup championship game, which gives the winning team the honor of an overbooked schedule the following year.  The key moment of the game was a goal by Fredy Montero to break the scoreless goal in the second half.   Immediately after conceding the score, D.C. goalkeeper Josh Wicks applied his cleats to Montero.

That’s a red card.  And one can only hope that that one mistake by Wicks will lead to years of bad blood.

Elevation Radio
Friday October 23, 2009
Host: John Kline
Guest: Dan “The Beast” Severn

Link:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/elevationradio/2009/10/23/Elevation-Radio-with-JPK

Dan Severn’s Link: www.the-beast.com

Elevation Radio’s John Kline was proud to be joined by “The Beast” Dan Severn for a definitive, nearly hour long interview on Friday morning.  Dan was in a story telling mood as he was in the middle of a long journey from his facility in Coldwater, Michigan to Kentucky, the site of the latest battle in his legendary MMA career. The UFC Hall of Famer spoke on a great variety of subjects including his All-American amateur wrestling career at Arizona State, being an alternate for the 1984 United States Olympic Wrestling team,  his memories from the early “No Holds Barred” days of the UFC, to his rivalry with Ken Shamrock that began in the UFC and continued into his WWF career, his thoughts on Brock Lesnar, “The Ultimate Fighter”, his important role in the training of Rashad Evans including how he taught Rashad to study pro wrestling in order to become a more marketable personality, his thoughts on Jim Cornette, Shane McMahon leaving the WWE, his life philosophy and so much more.

Here is a sample of a few of the main highlights:

How a lunch room conversation he had with Jim Cornette may have been the advent of Vince McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” Club:

“ Jim comes by and he stops and he puts his hand on my shoulder and says ‘Dan, I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep on doing it….all the boys are nervous around you.’ I said, why are they nervous? He (Cornette) says: ‘Its because you are by yourself…you’re not trying to blend in.’ I said that I will blend in at my pace because I know there is good and bad in everything. So I’m sitting back and watching entertainment here right now. I’m watching political negotiations taking place that I like to fondly refer to as “The Chap Stick Club”. …..What is professional wrestling? It is nothing more than a politically motivated sports entertainment product. Who becomes champion? Its through all this lobbying and politicking, and basically a lot of kissing ass. I’m surprised more professional wrestlers don’t go into the business of politics they are perfect for it. It was not more than a few months after that that they came out with that whole “Kiss My Ass Club” And I kept thinking, I wonder how that came to.”

Dan’s reaction to Brock Lesnar’s antics following UFC 100:
“I know why these guys are doing it, it sells tickets and not everybody can be that way. A lot of people look down on Brock Lesnar because his last match he is flipping people off and he is making a few off colored comments and this and that. I’m just like, he is selling tickets. Its what he’s doing. I’m sure he did get caught up in all the enthusiasm that he won, everyone does antics, any sport across the board people are going to act like that….Brock Lesnar was a professional wrestler.”

Dan on how he advised Rashad Evans to attend a professional wrestling class in order to become a more marketable personality and how “The Beast” was involved with getting Evans onto “The Ultimate Fighter”:

“Rashad Evans for example was quiet as a church mouse. Rashad Evans did the first of his training down at my training facility, Michigan Sports Camps at Coldwater, Michigan. He did his first amateur (MMA) matches with my company “The Danger Zone”. He did his first pro matches with my company “The Danger Zone”. It is because of me, and my making my phone calls to the UFC, I got him into the “Ultimate Fighter” in the first place….He took that opportunity, so I told him ‘Rashad, you need to come watch these professional wrestlers…..you will learn something. You will learn how to cut promos. You will learn what is known as ring presence. It teaches you so much. It teaches you how to tell a story with your facial expressions and your audio and body language.’ And he started adding more to his repertoire. Because fight shows across the United States are a dime a dozen. ‘Whats going to set you apart is you (Rashad), your personality.’

The Beast shares his idea that the WWE could be the one company to make a serious run at the UFC for MMA supremacy:

“I’ve been asked before, ‘is there anyone that can compete with the UFC?’ I go, ‘yes, but not right out of the blocks.’ The only company that could compete against them right out of the blocks would be an organization like the WWE….Look at the infrastructure that they have. …They’ve been in business at least fifty years…they worked with all these various athletic commissions. They know how to put on a production product. They have such good international distribution. The whole nine yards. They could make an impact right out of the get go. The problem is, don’t let professional wrestling people meddle in the MMA industry. Bring on some guys for the MMA portion that know how to book matches there. Let the creative team come in for ‘lets have a cool entrance, lets have cool music’ all that stuff. …I think they could do that. If you were to combine those two things they could step in MMA right now and make an impact.”

Dan also states that he would be interested on advising Shane McMahon on how to be successful in the MMA game:

“I hear that Shane has a great interest in mixed martial arts. And I would be more than happy to sit down with Shane and see what could be done.

Visit www.blogtalkradio.com/elevationradio to hear the rest of the interview and to hear many interesting and fun stories from his wrestling and MMA careers. His idea that lying politicians should be stoned to death by obese children is an opinion that will never leave you.

Also check out the site to hear Kline’s interviews with Bret Hart, Ivan Koloff, Vince Papale, JJ Dillon, Frank Shamrock, and more.

I write.  Almost every single day.  Whether it is nonsense or something actually worth reading again, I write.  If I have no topic in which to discuss, I describe the walls around my room or literally just fabricate some story that sounds interesting.  This is, of course, much easier after a few beers or a couple of glasses of wine, when the creative juices (aka alcohol) start flowing through the veins.  Now, I used all the tricks over the past couple weeks to try and jump start an interesting topic to write about.  From describing the intricate patterns of my bedroom walls to meeting my friend in a bar before I start writing, nothing really seemed to work.  I landed on the idea to just describe exactly what has happened the last couple weeks in the Bundesliga, and it was drier than the Sahara.  So, I did what every American in Germany does when he is frustrated:  I headed to the closest Döner Kebab store to grab a bite to eat and a beer.  Here, in the most unlikely of places, I found my inspiration.  Ćevapčići.

Ok, for all my readers that hail from or know anything about the Balkans, ćevapčići is an extremely famous dish coming originally out of Sarajevo (don’t ask what it was doing at a Turkish Döner Imbiss, cause I have no idea why either).  It consists of about 4 – 5 spiced minced meat fingers with white onion and a type of sour cream called pavlaka all in pita-bread.  The result from consumption is two pronged:  1) An immediate addiction to this unhealthy combination that does not allow you to kiss a girl for a week and 2) the phrase “drunk food” has new meaning in your life.

This lovely Bosnian expression means one thing: I’m fucking stoked beyond belief to have ćevapčići.

This fine pearl given to the world by the Balkans for me was the perfect symbol.  Balkan food at a Turkish imbiss in Germany.  Ha, maybe it is because the Turks are not the only “Gästarbeiter” in the “Bundesliga-Town” anymore.  Bosnians, Serbs, Croats, Slovenians, Macedonians, they are coming in great numbers to the English Premier League, to the Spanish, the Italian, the French, Dutch,  and of course, the German soccer league.  After the war in that split up Yugoslavia, the countries from the Balkan Peninsula have had very few clubs in the spotlight of European soccer.  The last team to leave their mark was Red Star Belgrade, who beat, of all teams, FC Bayern Munich on their way to Champions League greatness.  Although many soccer fans all around the world cannot remember this to save their life, if you ask almost any Serb, they are sure to tell you when every goal was scored, by whom, the names of the linesmen, and probably the average wind speed and direction during the game as well.

However,  the national scene can be very different, as the Balkan teams have made a strong showing during the World Cup qualifiers this past year (see exception: Croatia).  However we can excuse Croatia’s future absence in 2010 due to its strong performance in recent World Cups / Euro cups (see: 3^rd in WC ’98 and knocking off Germany in the Euro cup 08 easily).  Serbia won its group, beating out France for the top spot in addition to a couple absolutely convincing 5 – 0 victories.  Bosnia and Herzegovina took second in their group, falling only behind current Euro Cup Champs and arguably the world’s best squad Spain.  The national teams seem to have found their place in the international scene and will do nothing but push harder this upcoming World Cup.

Let us switch the focus back to specifically Germany.  As aforementioned, the Bundesliga is home to many of these stars from Croatia, Bosnia, and Serbia.  Some have been well known for some years, while some are up and coming and looking for more.  There is no doubt that if a Croat, a Serb, or a Bosnian can not only hang but stand out in the German league on one of the top teams, he is looking forward to possibly grab a bigger paycheck in La Liga or the EPL.  Here are some of the top players from the Balkans:

Edin Džeko, Wolfsburg

Only 23 years old, Džeko looks like he has belonged in the league for years.  He has four goals this year for Wolfsburg and has 38 total in 69 games.  With slightly more than a goal every-other-game, he is one of the most dangerous men in the Bundesliga today.  Any individual with any interest in the Bundesliga has heard his name repeated numerous times as he is taking the returning champions hopes as high as they can go.  His ability to finish and his fantastic knack for being at the right place at the right time are surely causing him to be watched by many others than die-hard Wolsburg fans.  He, alongside O. Martins, is part of one of the most potent offenses in the leauge.  Baring injury, look for him to add at least another 15 goals this season.

Zvjezdan Misimović, Wolfsburg

Slightly older than his Wolfsburg teammate Džeko, Misimović is a wizard on the soccer field.  A complete Maestro with the ball on a string, Zvjezdan’s play making skills are as complicated as his name is to say.  He, along with Džeko, is likely the biggest reason for the club’s success last year and continued success this year.  He has currently 4 goals as well, and plenty of assists.  Almost always either on or around the ball in every free-kick situation, he is able to serve his teammates or have a go at goal himself with a shot that caries both power and stunning accuracy.  With the game on the line, Wolfsburg can count on this play-maker to create something out of nothing.  Watch how simple he makes every play, move, and touch.  He is the engine that keeps this team in contention for another title.

Mladen Petrić, HSV

The well known Croatian forward is as deadly as anyone in the league.  He was loved in Dortmund (perhaps not anymore!) and has found a home currently in the Hamburger Sport Verein.  In my opinion this is a very good fit for him and the club, as both he and the club have a better shot at a title.  With Ze Roberto running things behind him, he has defensive support that was lacking before and hopefully use that confidence boost to raise his goal production, which is currently just under a goal every-other game.  Bringing a fantastic shot and good speed, this Croat is going to have even bigger shoes to fill with Ivan Klasnić all but ready for the museum in the national squad.  When playing well, he ranks top in the league.

Jurica Vranješ, Werder Bremen

A Croatian national middle fielder, Jurica has played over 175 games in the Bundesliga, beginning with Stuttgart in 2003 and moving to Bremen in 2005.  Almost always steady as either a starter or a substitute, Vranješ may not through point and point on the board, but he is dependable player with the skill and ability to give his team game-in and game-out a consistent chance to win.  He is among the handful of players on a squad that will not ask for much, but much is always asked for in terms of stability.  If you watch Werder and Vranješ is playing, you might not notice him, which can be the best sign of a consistent player.

Milivoje Novaković

The man from Slovenia stems from Olympia Ljubljana and has found a home in FC Cologne.  A Peter Crouch like forward, Novaković, or “Der Nova” as he is called by his fans in Cologne, simply dominates players in the air and finds a way to put the ball in the net.  He does not use speed or an extremely powerful shot, but actually has good feet and a nice touch when necessary.  He also is quite a strong two-sided player, as he is back defending on every corner or free-kick against his club trying to win a ball in the air and clear the ball out.  With Lukas Podolski now by his side, he can easily be overshadowed, but overlooking this almost two meter forward is far from recommended (if it’s even possible!).

Ivan Rakatić, Schalke

Ivan is in my opinion a breath of fresh air in the Balkan – German soccer world, and not just because he is one of the only Balkan players with a normal sounding name.  The 21 year old is especially impressive to me because, in part, I hate Schalke and yet I still like watching him play.  He has only played in five games this year, and I believe every time as a substitute, but has one goal and always takes advantage of the time he is given.  Rakatić plays on the outside in the Middlefield and uses his speed to literally run by his opponent.   Although he currently does not have much international experience, he has already been seen being substituted in for his home country.  This player can be summed up into one word: Potential.  Of course this is an exaggeration, but is he a David Beckham of Croatia one day?  I clearly do not know, but I cannot wait to find out.

Ivaca Olić, FC Bayern

Mr. Olić hails as well from the Republic of Croatia, and is one of the older, if not the oldest, Croat in the league.  He is probably hated in many parts of Germany for actually scoring against the German national team and leading underdog Croatia to a 2 – 1 toping of the favorite.  The former HSV and Moscow player was also very popular in his home country’s capital, Zagreb, as he was an offensive presence at Dinamo as well.  A true forward, Olić does his job: puts balls in the net.  He may not have the prettiest face and his first name looks, well, kind of like a girl’s, but I for one would not want to be the defender assigned to his side.

Gojko Kačar, Hertha BSC

Now I think I would get in quite a lot of trouble if I did not include at least one Serb on this list, and it’s a shame that Pantelić is no longer in the Bundesliga, but the young star from Novi Sad, Gojko Kačar, is a fine Serb replacement.  Gojko was a star on the U-21 team and now is one of Serbia’s best up-and-coming players.  The struggling Hertha has already received two goals from the young middle fielder this season and it is quite possible that Kačar will be asked of more as the season goes on.  He scored twice in the European League qualifier and will be part of a backbone of players that needs to start performing at their best if Berlin is to pull itself out of their current hole and have the first league remain in their future.

Well there you have it, a summary of some of the young (and not so young) faces from the Balkans making an impact in the German league.  Although they are jokingly referred to even today as Gästarbeiter (guest – workers), the Serbs, Croats, and Bosnians in the league are making an impact far greater than building highways or cleaning apartments.  The point being, that although their names sound reminiscent of every bad Rusky from some James Bond movie, if you know anything about geography, you would realize that at least every one of the Balkan counties is completely in Europe.

See map for clarification of difference between Russian and Balkan countries.

Now for a quick look at the top three matches coming up next week:

M’Gladbach:  FC Cologne

For those who do not know, this rivalry is one of the biggest, if not the best, in the Bundesliga.  M’Gladbach is currently second to last and will meet Cologne at home, who passed them in the standings last week.  With both teams struggling at the bottom of the table, the stakes are already very high, as three points for either club could spell the start of a tailspin dive for the loser.

Bayer Leverkusen:  BVB Dortmund

Dortmund looks to make it two victories in a row as it tries to separate itself from the bottom of the table and climb back up into championship contention.  They will meet stiff resistance however as Bayer has looked simply unwavering at times this season.  Leverkusen comes off a missed chance to take an outright lead in the league in points with a tie against HSV last week.  The pressure is on them to keep pace with the other top clubs and make sure that an upset does not happen in the small city.

Schalke:  HSV

A wonderful matchup in Gelsenkirchen is sure to happen when HSV comes to town.  Currently the squad from Hamburg has a two point lead and a loss to Felix Magath’s Schalke would allow them to be leapfrogged in one week and thereby becoming the chasers, rather than the chased.  This game could very well end in a draw, opening up the door for Werder, Wolfsburg, and Bayern to come through.  Although the M’Gladbach – Cologne game has the history, this is the game of current events.

Well that is all for now from my end.  Keep watching, please keep writing comments or write me emails directly as I enjoy responding to corrections, ideas, or questions.  If you noticed, the mighty boys in Nürnberg kept the pain train going through Berlin, as they took three points.  So as of now, I am all smiles.  Be sure to check all the World Cup updates, and follow the most beautiful game wherever possible.  Greetings from Berlin!

- Pete

(Thanks to Drew Hall in DC for his latest article. To see more of his work or to get the hell away from this website visit Drew at www.studyofsports.com)

There is an epidemic here in Washington.  The epidemic in which I speak of has absolutely nothing to do with the Swine Flu nor does it have anything to do with the contagiousness of lies and hypocrisy amongst our political elite.  It doesn’t even have anything to do with government bailouts or traffic gridlock.  No, this is much more serious.  This epidemic is spreading like wild fire amongst marketing’s most prized demographic.  Males in their 20’s and 30’s here in the DC area have become deeply entrenched in a fanatical obsession.  We know the cause and recognize the symptoms; however there is no cure and virtually no optimism for a remedy.  We just have to accept the alarming rate in which males here are developing full sized man crushes on the person we all want to be.  It must be obvious who this person is.  He is a native of Arlington VA, a rough and tough yet personable fellow with muscles the size of Dan Snyder’s ego.  He’s everything that Washington’s sports teams are not.  He is a winner and a champion.  He dominates his enemies and can get any woman he wants.  He encapsulates who we all want to be.  There is only one person who could cause such a stir and such a commotion.  The only person who could cause this is none other than the great Batista.

Drew wants to get powerbombed with Batista.

The symptoms of the epidemic man crushes are sporadic and don’t particularly follow a certain pattern.  Outlandish behavior and irrational fantasy beliefs are the most common factors.  For example a gentleman returned home from his 2 hour commute recently to his residence in a Northern Virginia suburb.  Upon his entrance his compliant wife played Batista’s entrance music on his sound system as his kids were forced to carry sparklers and wave them in the air.  Neighbors ended up calling the police claiming they heard gun shots.  In actuality it was the Obsessed Batista fans wife who had set off firecrackers as the gentleman squatted down performing an air machine gun sweep as his kids cheered and hollered loudly.   The man’s wife ended up getting cited for disturbing the peace but she did not regret the action stating, “My husband always dreamed of doing this”, “It was this fantasy he always had.  I just wanted to make him happy”.  A special shout out goes to the man’s wife.  You definitely made your husband happy.  You would have made any man happy.  Other symptoms include loss of hearing and a lack of external stimulus sensing.  It turns out Washingtonians would rather stare at Batista’s sweaty tattoos than become lost in their significant other’s bust line.  Possibly adding to the infatuation is Batista’s uncanny resemblance to the Gears of War video game guy.

My advice for the ladies is that you are just going to have to cope with this much like we have to cope with you during your menstrual cycle.  Simply just let us be and seduce us on Saturday, preferably after the Virginia Tech game.

The incredible spike in man crushes on Batista can be directly attributed to his return to the ring.  Batista has recovered from a biceps injury that had sidelined him for several months.  You should have heard the shouts of joy and elation from our residents as the next bombshell was dropped.  Batista is moving to Smackdown!  The announcement was a huge step of progression in our desire to create the ultimate Sports Utopia.  Men are no longer forced to choose between Monday Night Raw and Monday Night Football.  Now we can live vicariously through our gridiron warriors on Monday’s without the risk of missing Batista pummel his foes and strut his stuff in designer shades with a hottie on each arm.  We can get the best of both worlds.  Ode to the WWE for the ingenious move.

And now for the commentary everyone has been waiting for on the best Major League Soccer Team ever in the history of the entire World, none other than the D.C. United.  The D.C. United will most likely miss the MLS playoffs for the second consecutive year.  Apparently they have become good a losing home games including a loss to Chivas USA by a score of 2-0.  In actuality I have no idea why they call themselves Chivas.  If I had to guess Chivas sounds like it should be the name of the Peruvian Women’s bodybuilding team.  Yet we know by the name that they represent the USA.  How is it that the D.C. United are confined to representing a single market while Chivas has the privilege of representing the entire United States of America. This here is the reason why Soccer will never take off in America like it has in other countries.

If soccer hopes to be relevant in the U.S. they need to compete with the real sports like Football, Basketball, Hockey, and to a lesser extent Baseball.  We cannot pander to outside influence in naming our teams.  Soccer teams need to have an actual menacing mascot and not be named after an event (i.e. Revolution, Earthquakes, and Rapids).  Because of this I am currently petitioning the D.C. United to change their name to the Washington Batista’s.  Americans are entrenched in reality so we need real teams with real names competing in a real sport….like American Football.  We enjoy watching displays of toughness and strength.  When we see soccer players grab their knee’s and scream like little girl’s every time they fall down, we understand that such a competition is and can never be up to par with any of the real sports.  Most importantly, a real sports team will never have to tell you it’s real.  If a team does feel the need to tell you they are in fact real (for example Real Salt Lake and Real Madrid C.F), that automatically eliminates you from being a real sport.

Batista has torn more muscles than DC United have scored goals.

Apparently the D.C. United also competes in different leagues like the CONCACAF Champions League.  This year our kicking warriors tied the C.D. L.A. Firpo on two separate occasions.  This is another huge gaffe in Americanizing Soccer.  We do not have the attention span to analyze more than two initials at a time much less four.  Also a Firpo is another one of those “event” mascots.  Why anyone would name their team after the act of farting in the bathtub and watching the bubbles rise to the top is beyond me. This just continues to show why American’s are far too superior to the rest of the world to ever accept their sissified versions of athletic display.  Finally soccer will never be able to reach the sophistication and high level of intelligence level that Americans have in order to fill our need for complex statistical analysis.  It’s understandable that soccer is so popular in most other countries because of the relative simplicity involved in recording statistical information for a match.  In the U.S. we have to solve complex math problems in order to come up with a “Quarterback Rating” in the National Football League or the “WHIP” in Major League Baseball.  The numbers generated by these complex formulas are integral in making decisions on who to draft in fantasy sports.  There is no such thing as fantasy soccer.  If there was, every game would end up in a tie.  Alas I must give Soccer its props though.  It’s a wonderful game to get your little daughters involved in to help them learn sportsmanship and the team dynamic but inevitably it falls into the

category of sports that little girls play.

A DC United player reacts to the 0-0 tie finally being over. Oh Wait,.

Because Washington D.C. is an American Football town I must mention the Redskins and their embarrassing loss to the Detroit Lions, a team that had lost 19 consecutive games before the opportunity to compete against the Redskins arose.  It’s hard to say much on the subject because there is a lack of words to describe how far the franchise has fallen from grace, once considered the team of the 1980’s now becoming the team that that everyone wants to play who has yet to get their first victory.  In fact in their latest version of inadequacy the winless Carolina Panthers did everything they could to help the Redskins beat them but Washington was unable to maintain a 17-2 third quarter giving Carolina their first win of the season.  The good news is that this is just the latest embarrassment for the Redskins.  I think by now most of us are quite used to it.  Watching our premier cornerback DeAngelo Hall get run over by the Panthers slow dopey quarterback Jake Delhomme to seal Carolina’s victory was probably all that we needed to completely numb any ounce of hope left for this season.  DeAngelo is now looking forward to his next career as a defenseman for C.D. L.A. Firpo.

Following their loss to winless Carolina was another loss to another winless team known as the Kansas City Chefs.  Braving the elements and far beyond pretty much anyone’s better judgment I witnessed the humiliation up close and personal.  You can see me quite clearly here in an Associated Press Photo taken at the game.

Despite the performance of the teams on the field, being in the first row definitely has its perks

And for a taste of things to come, here is a shot of Redskins owner Dan Snyder conversing with newly hired “Offensive Consultant” Sherman Lewis on the left and Head Coach Jim Zorn by himself on the right.  Zorn would be stripped of his play calling duties after the 14-6 loss.

Dan Snyder enjoys himself at a Redskins game.

Perhaps now is the time for the Redskins to try and start new and fresh.  We know all the controversy over the nickname for Washington and its racial undertones.  What the team needs is a logo that fans can identify with, something that is much more reflective of the franchise than the current one.  Fortunately for everyone, I have a several sources entrenched in Dan Snyder’s labyrinth of business acumen.  I have learned that there are in fact prototype designs in development to replace the logo.  I am able to bring it to you now because of the brave souls that have died to bring you this information.  This preliminary sketch is just the beginning.  Apparently the Redskins loved wearing pink shoes and gloves so much during breast cancer awareness week that they now have adopted the color to replace burgundy thus changing their team arrangement to pink, yellow and white.  This spectrum of fluorescent appeal was considered to be best representative of the team as they try to attract a female audience to replace man fans who have been taking an exodus to Baltimore.

The New Redskins Logo.

(Our pal Craig Dodge was able to overcome his disappointment with the Rockies losing to the defending World Heavyweight Champions and the fact that balloon boy was a hoax to pound out his NFL power rankings for week 6. We’re going to post these every week until the end of the season. Visit Craig’s website at http://www.verticallystripedsocks.com/)

One thing that really sticks out as you try to rank the NFL teams is exactly how many terrible teams there are in the NFL. The top is not too tough to put together, but trying to layer the various piles of crap into something that approximates reality is difficult! Here is my best attempt to make sense of the NFL as it lies in late October.

1. Colts – As if Peyton Manning and the Colts were not already scary enough, now they have a week of rest under their belts. I can’t imagine any team looks forward to having to try to shut down that offensive attack. Colts remain number 1.

2. Saints – I really was thisclose to having the Saints either be number one by themselves or having them share the top spot with the Colts. The way that offense tore apart a Giants team that many people were touting as the best team in the league was amazing. As a Bronco fan, I of course want Denver to go all the way, but from an objective football standpoint if we have any other matchup in the Super Bowl besides Colts-Saints; I will view it as a disappointment.

3. Vikings – Brad Childress and company are lucky that Steven Hauschka hooked a 44 yard field goal, or they probably are a lot lower on this list. Adrian Peterson reminded everyone why teams stack the line against him, and Brett Favre reminded everyone that despite being on the north side of 40, he can still play a little quarterback. The downside for Minnesota is that Brad Childress reminded everyone that he is Brad Childress, and that is a huge reason despite the incredible momentum of the Vikings that no Minnesota fan should feel 100% comfortable with their season to this point. I know I have made my feelings for Childress well known on a multitude of occasions, but that guy is a terrible coach. If Minnesota had a solid man at the helm, I could easily see them winning it all. They may be able to do it in spite of Brad, but he doesn’t bring much to the table. The way this team collapsed, then had Favre throw them back to the lead, and then almost collapsed again cannot be encouraging to the Minnesota faithful.

4. Patriots – Bill Belichick quickly reminded the league why he needs to be feared as well as disliked. There was no reason in the world that Tom Brady should have played in the second half with a 45-0 lead against the Titans. Brady is much like Stella in that he is still getting his groove back, and the worst thing that could have happened was to the Pats would be for him to aggravate his knee in the snow in a game where there was zero doubt as to the outcome. Even if you just took Brady’s second quarter stats, he had a great game. Running up the score for no good reason in particular is dirty pool and bad karma. One of these days Belichick’s penchant for being a bully is going to bite him back.

Dos Equis guy to the NE Patriots: Stay classy, my friends.

5. Giants – Yes, New York got housed in Cajun-town, but despite one bad showing, the fact remains that this is a solid team that is still a force in the NFL. I have a feeling that the Giants do not want to make a return trip to New Orleans come playoff time, but they are still a player atop the NFL power-grid. Their secondary is perhaps their greatest weakness, which may help explain why they were torched by the Saints.

6. Broncos – What can I say about my Broncos? They are playing like a college team right now. There is a lot of enthusiasm and excitement, and they are playing inspired football. Josh McDaniels has turned from public enemy number one to the city of Denver’s favored son, and the wins keep on coming. Going in to San Diego and winning the way they did was an important step, as Qualcomm Stadium had been Denver’s house of horrors over the past two or three years. If this defense can keep up the way they have been playing, the Broncos will be able to hang around with anybody. It doesn’t stop sounding good or stop sounding weird to say this, but the Broncos are legit.

7. Falcons – With a sophomore quarterback who is applying pressure on defenses, a solid run game and a solid defense, the Falcons have not slipped at all this season. They aren’t putting up gaudy numbers, but they are like a baseball team that doesn’t get a ton of hits, but always seems to get the important hits with runners in scoring position. I think many felt that their playoff season of a year ago was a fluke, but they are playing well enough to get back there again.

8. Ravens – Three weeks ago, this team looked like one of the best in the NFL. They have had a rough October, as they go winless in the month with difficult losses to New England, Cincinnati and Minnesota. The Ravens are in a three way dogfight for the AFC North with the Bengals and Steelers, and that field goal going wide left has to sting. Whether or not they can pull it together remains to be seen, but I think they are able to hang on to somehow win the North.

9. Steelers – The Lerner family doesn’t own the Cleveland Browns, the Steelers do. Sunday’s win against Cleveland makes it 12 straight against the Browns for Pittsburgh. There is a huge trend towards wearing alternate uniforms this season, however there is no truth to the rumor that the Browns will play their next game against the Steelers in Washington Generals uniforms. How do the Steelers even get excited to play the Browns at this point? It’s two guaranteed wins a season. It was so easy, hardly anyone even noticed that Ben Roethlisberger threw for an eye-popping 417 yards on Sunday.

10. Cardinals – Arizona looks to be putting it together and regaining their playoff form that landed them in the Super Bowl last season. Which can only mean one thing…they are about to lay a massive egg on the road at the Giants. The Cards are a lot of things, but highly consistent is not one of those things.

11. Chargers – The Chargers were coming off a bye, they were at home, and they had to be the more desperate team when they faced off against the Broncos on Monday night. All that makes it all the more shocking that they were beaten so badly in a game that was as close to a must win as can be in the sixth week of the season. They now face a three and a half game deficit in the standings to try and catch Denver. The Chargers are notorious slow starters, but if they are to make their customary late season charge, they need to get started pretty soon.

Ron Burgundy has a better chance of coaching the Chargers in 2010 than Norv Turner.

12. 49ers – After starting the season so promisingly, to have to sit on that 45-10 loss to the Falcons for two weeks has to put a big damper on the enthusiasm for the way Mike Singletary’s team started the season. Apart from getting to have the Titans come to town as a breather in the middle of this stretch, the next five games are a tough for the Niners as they will go to Houston, go to Indy, have the Titans and then Bears come to Nashville, then head out to face the Packers at Lambeau Field. San Francisco will earn their way to the postseason if they make it.

13. Bears – I wonder if Jay Cutler misses his old Broncos offensive line yet? Having time to throw makes a difference, and the Bears don’t look quite right on offense. Of course, having a running game would also help, as the Bears have been rather lackluster on the ground of late. Do you know who their leading rusher was on Sunday night against the Falcons? If you said Jay Cutler, you win! When your quarterback is also has the most rushing yards for your team, and your team is not named Nebraska, that could be an issue.

14. Texans – Houston remains a mediocre team with potential. They have fallen into a disturbing pattern for a team with hopes of contending…they keep alternating wins and losses. If your ambition is to get to 8-8, you’re right on track.

15. Dolphins – After starting the season in an 0-3 hole and losing their starting quarterback Chad Pennington, the Dolphins salvaged hope as they surged to their bye week by taking the next two games against divisional rivals Buffalo and New York. Getting all the way back to .500 would be quite a feat, as next up for the ‘Phins are the surging Saints making a visit to South Beach. The Dolphins are plucky, and Chad Henne has proven to be much better than anyone anticipated, but I’m not sure they have enough in them to get back into contention.

The contents o,f former starting Dolphins QB, Chad Pennington's throwing arm.

16. Jets – Remember September when the Jets were a house of fire, and Matt Sanchez was ripping apart defenses? It feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it. The Jets were unable to take advantage of Thomas Jones’ monster 210 yard rushing day against Buffalo due to 5 interception day from Sanchez. The promising rookie does share the NFL lead in one statistical category with Jake Delhomme, but that category is interceptions, Matt has 10 of them against only 5 touchdowns. That 16-13 OT loss to the Bills was the worst played game I have seen this season. (It may not be the worst of the year, as the Browns and Bills did play an epic 6-3 game, but fortunately I missed seeing that one.)

17. Bengals – This upcoming game against the Bears will tell us a lot about the Bengals. If they are able to get back on the winning track, I could see them parlaying it into a successful culture-changing season. I could also see them return to traditional Bengal form and fall apart if they lose. Either way, I think it’s an important game for the Tigers from Ohio.

18. Eagles – Here is an ugly stat for Philly fans…The Eagles were 2 for 16 on 3rd down against the Raiders. I saw significant chunks of this game, and Donovan McNabb looked atrocious. He tossing passes at his receivers ankles and just flat out missing guys. There was no enthusiasm at all for the Eagles, and there was never a point where it looked like they would rally. They laid a huge egg in Oakland, and McNabb was sacked six times. This would be excusable if they were playing an actual NFL franchise, but this was the freaking RAIDERS!

even Former Eagles and Broncos legend Bubby Brister could have beaten the Raiders and he is 47 years old.

19. Cowboys – Will the Cowboys be able to turn it on in the second half of the season? They are 3-2 right now, but to say they haven’t really beaten anyone is not an understatement. Their three wins are against the Buccaneers, Panthers, and Chiefs (in OT). Cowboy fans are hopeful Tony Romo spent the bye week working on his accuracy rather than jetting down to Mexico. Is it possible that things would be better if he hooked back up with Jessica? People thought she was a distraction, but he sure played better when she was watching from the club level in her pink jersey.

20. Packers – Winning 26-0 is nice, but it was the Lions. Call me when you beat someone impressive. They get one more warm-up against the sad sack Browns before the Armageddon game in two weeks…Favre returns to Green Bay to try and take down the Packers. Something tells me the Cheese-head wearing crowd will be up for that one, and I anticipate hearing way more boos than cheers.

21. Panthers – As a fantasy owner of Steve Smith, This is an open letter to officially lodge a complaint with Panthers management. Dear Panthers, Steve Smith is your most talented and valuable player, plus he was one of my two fantasy keepers. For the sake of your NFL franchise as well as my vaunted Floppy Llamas team, I would like to request that you get him more involved with your game plan. One catch for four yards is not amusing to me. Yes, you were able to get the win, but you will not play every game against the Buccaneers. Please throw to number 89 much more. Thank you, Craig Dodge P.S. Jake Delhomme? Really?

22. Seahawks – If the opponent scores against Seattle, they win. Thus far the Seahawks only wins are when they whitewash their opponents. After pasting the Jaguars, I was beginning to get hope that the Hawks might come back to life. That hope is gone. It flew right out the window with the 27-3 shellacking at the hands of Arizona. The Seahawks stink. They don’t stink as bad as the next ten teams on this list which comprise the complete dregs of the league, but they are awfully close.

23. Bills – Yes, the Bills won against the Jets, but I don’t want to see any Buffalo fans acting like they deserve a cookie for the win. That game was so atrocious to watch that all video proof that it occurred should be immediately destroyed on the off-chance that three thousand years from now our descendents are studying ancient history and they accidently stumble across some video from this game and start to wonder what was wrong with our culture that we enjoyed this sport. The risks are too great to let the video survive.

24. Browns – Derek Anderson had a huge improvement from the week previous. He threw for a whopping 122 yards this week. He’s very good.

25. Raiders – Incredibly confounding score of the week: Raiders 13 Eagles 9. (By the way, my Prediction was that Philly would win 50-3, so I was a smidge off.) So maybe the Raiders are a tiny bit better than I thought, but certainly the Eagles are a great deal worse than I thought. Either way, if I were a Raiders fan (and thank heaven I’m not, there but for the grace of God, go I.) I wouldn’t get my hopes up, that Raider win certainly had more to do with the Eagles choking than the Raiders being good. To be fair, Zach Miller and Louis Murphy combined on one heck of a touchdown play…Miller running and Murphy blocking terrifically. Although, I must say my favorite moment from that game was the pigeon that was running down on the Raider kickoff coverage team. He was impressive! Perhaps that is the Oakland good luck pigeon, either way, I enjoyed him very much.

26. Chiefs – The good news for KC fans is that the Chiefs are no longer winless, the bad news is that you only get to play the Redskins once this season.

27. Jaguars – If there weren’t so many horrendous teams, I would have put Jacksonville even lower. In the past two weeks they have lost 41-0 to a mediocre Seahawks team, and then they were taken to overtime by THE RAMS! There is no excuse to not beat the Rams in regulation.

28. Lions – How many more wins do the Lions have to get this season for it to be considered a rousing success? One? Two?

29. Redskins – Jim Zorn is starting to feel a little bit like George Costanza. He keeps coming in to work, even though no one wants him there, and they are actively trying to get him to quit. I wonder if he has his own private handicapped bathroom at Redskin headquarters?

30. Buccaneers – I feel bad for Clifton Smith. It’s bad enough he has to play for the Buccaneers, but then to get decked with a ridiculous cheap-shot from Dante Wesley is just adding injury to insult.

31. Rams – Congratulations Rams, for at least one week you get to be out of the basement because…

32. Titans – …if you lose 59-0, you go directly to spot 32. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. I didn’t think anything would top Derek Anderson’s 2-17 for 22 yards and an interception for a 15.1 QB rating from last week, but Kerry Collins did it. His stat line was an abysmal 2-12 for negative 7 yards and an interception with a QB rating of 4.9. I didn’t even know you could get a quarterback rating as low as 4.9.

The Titans of 2009 will always be remembered.

(I am glad to bring back Ben Halls’ third article on the English sports scene. He has banged out more quality articles for us than illegal children fathered by Sven in the last 2 months. For more of Ben’s work visit the fine http://www.thebenhallsblog.blogspot.com/)

That was the worst idea in the history of sports; whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. Probably with a steel capped toe. Possibly with a spike, it all depends if they try to do it again. I suppose I wouldn’t be completely opposed to showing them some mercy and just torturing them a bit rather than doing a Rambo on their gentleman area. But if they tried to pull a stunt like that again, I would petition for a castration with a meat cleaver.

Just like bad parents I will use this to dispense justice.

I suppose it is quite hard to know what I’m talking about, but let me enlighten you. The Premiership is currently on an international break, as the final qualifiers for next year’s World Cup in South Africa were taking place. This also means it is one of those special times of year when rival football fans stop their bickering and unite under the St George Cross to support England. Oh it is glorious, Chelsea and Arsenal fans hug and cheer, Liverpool and Manchester United fans sing the praises as Gerrard and Rooney play together and supporters of lower league teams get to see what it is like to watch games in stadiums with more than 7 people in them. Like at club level, nobody wants to talk to West Ham fans, but that’s fine. They aren’t human like you or I.

England had already qualified for the World Cup following their magnificent 5-1 thumping of Croatia a few weeks back. Still, an England game is an England game, and there was plenty to play for as if we could potentially qualify undefeated. This would have given us a huge confidence boost, and make it all the more heart breaking when we got knocked out in the quarter finals on penalties after a gutsy performance. Plus, the first of these two games was against the Ukraine, who are a decent enough team and as it was on a Saturday afternoon, a great excuse to start drinking a bit early.

But nobody could actually see that game. I can’t actually give you any analysis of it. Sorry about that. According to the match report though, we played well but lost 1-0 after a defensive cock up. Also, Robert Green became the first England goalie to ever be sent off. That is all I know.

These people are the Devil.

You see, the Ukraine vs England game was meant to be shown by Setanta Sports. But in the UK, Setanta Sports went bankrupt. The solution? The rights were taken on by a Swiss firm who decided to charge people £12 to watch the game online. For the American’s amongst us, that is $20. Now, there are two ways to analyse why this was the worst idea in the history of sports, and whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. One by mocking, and one by looking at the issue seriously. Here, I shall do both. Because I’m generous like that.

First though, a bit of trivia for you – want to know how Setanta Sports, which is still alive in Ireland, Europe and America, got going? By two Irish guys buying the rights to screen Irish international games in a pub, and charged people to watch ‘em. Anyway, moving swiftly on…

The Mocking Analysis of Showing England vs Ukraine via the Internet

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but this was the worst idea ever conceived in the history of sports broadcasting and whoever thought of it should be kicked squarely in the balls. The only idea that might have been comparably worse than this was the idea to make Sven Goran Eriksson, who’s England management regime may have set our international team back so far it has wasted the careers of great players, the studio analyst. Sven has only ever made a good studio analyst on Special 1 TV.

Words cannot express the idiocy of this move. I’m not against watching sports online, not at all. I’m one of the shmucks that pay £150 a year to watch all of the NFL online. But £12 for 90 minutes of football? That is paying £1.30ish per minute of football. That is ridiculous. That is more than a sex chat line. Let’s just examine what else I could buy for £12.

1. Two packs of cigarettes
2. A quarter tank of petrol for my car
3. A taxi back from the pub
4. 1,200 penny sweets
5. 600 two penny sweets
6. A used copy of Bioshock so I can finally figure out what socialist nutjob Andrew Ryan is on about
7. A cheap trophy declaring me the world’s greatest love machine
8. A month’s subscription to ESPN UK
9. A month’s subscription to one of the naughty TV channels
10. A copy of Britney Spears’ latest album

All of those are better ways to spend £12. Even number 10. Especially number 9. It is estimated that only 220,000 bought the game online, down from 7.6m who watched the England vs Croatia game. That should be all the encouragement that companies need to not try an experiment such as that again.

The Vaguely Serious Analysis of Showing England vs Ukraine via the Internet

You cannot draw blood from a stone. This has been proven as scientific fact for quite some time now. Your most avid England fan already pays through the nose to follow their national team. Alongside a TV license, which you need just to have a television in your home, you will also need subscriptions to Sky Sports and ESPN. This costs about £80 a month. You just cannot ask someone to pay more for one match. Also, if you are paying £80 a month and any one of 4 companies has contracts with the FA to show England matches, how one of them weren’t offered the match is disgusting.

Also, not having it on the telly box means that it wasn’t on the telly at any pubs. Years of working behind bars has taught me one thing – having England play football on the telly puts money in the cash registers. Especially when it is kicking off at 5:15 on a Saturday afternoon. There are about 3 pubs a week closing due to lack of business, and without an England game windfall I’m willing to bet this decision put at least one pub out of business.

Finally, just look at the viewing figures again. 7.6m people watched England vs Croatia. I was in Vegas for that game, and I am willing to guarantee that there were at least another 12m people in the bar I was in. In total, including online viewers, people who paid to watch the game in a cinema and the British Armed Forces (who, rightly, get every game for free at their barracks) about 500,000 people saw the game live. Paying to watch sports online works well long term. The Ashes (which is cricket, I don’t expect you to understand) did very well being shown online, as that was 25 days of sport. The NFL Game Pass service, when it is working, does very well as I can watch every single game bar the two that are on Sky anyway. Anyone who takes a glance at Justin.tv during big sports events can see the popularity of streaming online. But for free.

Why couldn’t they figure out a system like the NCAA Final Four, which is streamed online for free and supported by advertisements. I bet if you offered England fans the option of watching the game with a scrolling advert bar at the bottom of the screen and occasional commentator plugs as opposed to not watching it at all, they’d take it. Just please, don’t do this again. It doesn’t work.

Oh yeah, we also played Belarus

I have no idea where Belarus is. I mean, if you showed me a map I could just throw a dart and get closer than an educated guess would. Its amazing how much sport has taught me about geography, actually. Far more than school ever did. Anyway, at the end of the day, it was a moot point as Belarus found their way to London to play. And we whacked them 3-0. Hazzar!

We actually played pretty well, even though we had the mighty midget Shaun Wright Philips on as a makeshift left winger. Peter Crouch and his amazing goal scoring tally (16 goals in 17 starts, although far less when coming on as a sub, plus the single season goal scoring record) continued to once again beg the question of why in the sweet name of all that is good and holy Emile Heskey continues to get the nod. The man is great at holding up the ball, and other strikers like playing with him, but he just doesn’t score goals. The only downside to Crouch is international refs tend to accuse him of elbowing people in the face when he goes for headers due to his enormous height. But other than that, the best thing to take from that match is that Crouch up front with Rooney must be the way forward, with Darren Bent, Carlton Cole and Jermaine Defoe battling it out for the other position up front. Emile has a role, but in this team he just can’t utilise it. Plus, unlike his international competitors, he isn’t a first team regular. In all fairness, neither is Crouch but after 16 goals in 17 starts and a two goal haul how can you count him out? Plus, he has the best quote of all time -  “Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for football I’d still be a virgin!”

Football let a man get a girl like that. Goddamn it..........

In other news, David Beckham got Man Of The Match, beating out two goal man Peter Crouch and midfield superstar Gareth Barry, purely on the merits of his beard. Look at that thing, it is both hilarious and genius all at once.

BECKHAM PICTURE – “This beard is so bad Chuck Norris just dug a grave to roll in”

Editors Note: Elevation will not permit any Beckham bashing on this website. He is far too dreamy. I'm an MLS fan. He is all we have.

England coach Swedish Chef… err I mean Fabio Capello, compared it to President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I think it’s a fair comparison. One of the comentators on the telly made a very good point though, in comparing Beckham’s role with LA Galaxy, which he played with England last night, to a quaterback. He just sort of chills in midfield and distributes the ball up the wing, or hands the  ball back to the defence. It was strangely effective, although not Man Of The Match winning.

England have a ‘prestige friendly’ with Brazil in a few weeks, then just two more matches for Fabio Capello to name his 23 man squad. I’m excited.

After the match, Capello said “Glor shbee gor durr durr, glunt bee orga bork bork bork!””

Other World Cup Qualifiers News and Notes

Going into the final games there were a few big teams in serious trouble, including Argentina and Portugal, possibly leaving the World Cup without two of the world’s greatest players – Messi and Ronaldo. However, in the end, there were no major shocks, although one or two teams not qualifying will raise a few eyebrows – namely Sweden, Finland, Czech Republic, Turkey, Croatia, Bulgaria and Norway. Those teams sort of sound like they should be at the World Cup.

And even some of the really big, famous teams will have their future in limbo for another month, needing to play a two legged play off to secure a space. This means that teams like Portugal, Ukraine, Russia and France are still not securely through to South Africa 2010. Although one of them will probably draw the Republic of Ireland to play, and playing them is like holding a midget at arms length and kicking them in the testicles. That is to say, dead easy. After all, they deserve elimination after founding Setanta and starting this whole mess.

Don't forget buddy.

Elevation Note. Sorry Ben.