Tournament of Champions
Whats going down Edgeheads, I hope things are going swimmingly for you and yours. There are quite a few tournaments and playoff races going on in the sporting world that have major ramifications and consequences. The race to get one of the top two spots in the college football BCS is captivating college football fans. The hunt for a playoff spot is enthralling football fans in many cities other than Philadelphia. Also there is a major tournament going on in the UFC to determine who will be the permanent heavy weight champion. Brock Lesnar beat Randy Couture in one bracket. The Vanilla Gorilla will face the Frank Mir/ Antonio Nogueira winner sometime in the spring in a title unification match that will name the best big man not named Fedor in the mixed martial arts world.
However, we here at The Outsiders’ Edge have another tournament in mind that will soon sweep the nation in hysteria, not unlike when Jon Bon Jovi walks into the gym showers near SaintJustX’s house. Obviously I am talking about the Elevation Invitational to determine the greatest kung fu movie fighter from the late 1980s and early 1990s. What else could I possibly have been referring to? 1985 to 1995 was the greatest ten year period in movie fighting history. That decade brought the public such classics as Steven Seagal’s Hard to Kill (1990), Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport, Jackie Chan’s Rumble in the Bronx, and the 1993 debut of Chuck Norris’ seminal TV series Walker Texas Ranger. Imagine if these four kings of kicking ass engaged in a four man kung fu tournament to determine the baddest motherfucker from the combat movie golden age of 1985 to 1995. Lets break down the candidates and find out the winner.
Jean Claude van Damme
Positives: 18-1 career record as professional kickboxer. Starred in such brutal pictures as Bloodsport and Kickboxer.
Negatives: Has been married 5 times. Chuck Norris will use this information to get in his head by convincing JCVD that he has in fact slept with all 5. All fighters will be drug tested.
Steven Seagal
Positives: Holds belts in aikido, judo, karate, and kendo. Has huge size advantage over other three fighters. Was married to Kelly LeBrock. Enjoys pandas.
Negatives: Runs like a girl. Is now a horrible musician besides being an actor. One of his songs may start playing over the loudspeaker causing him to enter into a trance leaving him vulnerable to swift kicks to face.
Jackie Chan
Positives: Other members from the Jackie Chan Stunt Team can stand in and take punishment while Chan receives deep tissue massage. Star of animated show. This allowed him to kick ass digitally leaving his body fresh for actual combat.
Negatives: Permanent back injuries from having to carry Chris Tucker in Rush Hour trilogy. Too much pressure from Chinese government to perform well.
Chuck Norris
Positives: 183-10 career record in karate tournaments. According to Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis’ Career.
Negatives: Despite youthful appearance is actually 68 years old, could tire by finals if he advances through first round. Irrevlevant campaigning for Mike Huckabee’s failed Presidential run left his martial arts skills rusty.
Now that you know the fighters, lets get to the results.
Round 1: Steven Seagal defeats Jackie Chan. Size advantage and propensity to avoid death causes Seagal to get by. However, Chan takes solace in the fact his career is still relevant.
Round 2: Chuck Norris defeats Jean Claude Van Damme. JCVD puts up valiant effort, however Chuck Norris can not feel pain. During the fight Chuck Norris actually reads a book as JCVD tries to kick him the same way he kicked Master Tanaka’s tree in Bloodsport. This results in JCVD breaking his leg and makes him quit.
Championship Match: Steven Seagal defeats Chuck Norris. Seagal comes into the fight with a sense of urgency because if the bout goes over five minutes Seagal will be late for his shift at Best Buy. Seagal is able to distract Norris by taking his shirt off causing Norris to be transfixed by SS’s massive beer gut. Vulnerability gives way to quick Seagal kick to the face that knocks out Chuck Norris. Rage over losing causes Norris to visit the Virgin Islands where he takes out his frustration, leaving them as just The Islands.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Your winner:
lordelevation
globalcorrespondent
There certainly seems to be a profusion of fit, muscular, attractive men on this blog.
As for Mensans not being attractive, since the subject has been brought up, I must reply.
I am considered to be handsome and have been told this many times. I don’t like to be immodest, but let’s not try to generalize and say people with high IQ’s are homely.
As for this sudden and abrupt new blog begs the question:Why? I have my own beliefs about the reason for this, but I think I’ll keep them to myself for the time being. I have a feeling the real reason may eventually come out.
bobby jr said this on November 25, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Well, if they are fit and muscular they weren’t SJX’s selections. I wonder how many of them are on steroids? I wonder how many of them have been on…never mind.
jon bon jovi said this on November 26, 2008 at 12:28 am
hi em i am sally and i am a great fan of seagal because he is a great fighter and i wish i could fight like that i really do and i am not 15 any more i am 17 going on 18 in september so it would be great to hear from seagal if it is posuble mail me back please mb
Sally Eastwood said this on July 21, 2009 at 5:38 am
I assure you that SJX will do everything in his power to get you in touch with our friend Steven.
lordelevation said this on July 21, 2009 at 11:06 pm