The Outsiders' Edge

Elevation don’t give no credit so you better carry cash. Everybody knows I’m going to kick some yo baby yo baby yo.

Welcome back to the Edge everyone. I hope watching the PN News video changed your life as much as it did mine. If 50 years from now, we look back and wonder what the Outsiders Edge brought to society, SJX will always be credited for bringing the wonder that was PN News back into the world.

SJX, a world salutes you!

Alright, lets settle down and refocus on why we’re all really here. To read my next entry of course.

Christmas is drawing ever closer. That means people want more and more stuff. What better way for folks to let it be known what they want, then writing letters to Santa Claus? Thats right boys and girls, just in time for the season, Outsiders Edge is pleased to present to you celebrity letters to Santa Claus. Lets open up our mailbag and see what we have!

(Chances are this entry will under perform worse then John Kennedy Jr.’s autopilot, but just bare with me and stick it out, maybe it will be funny. If not go watch the Wrestle Rock Rumble video.)

Santa trying to figure out why his name was used in conjunction with JFK JRs autopilot

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a bad boy recently. 2008 started out just grand when I caught the game winning catch in the Super Bowl, however things have really gone down hill since. Ever since then I’ve missed meetings, been suspended from games, and had to pay large amount of penalty fines. The worst of it was a few weeks back when I accidentally shot myself in the leg with my own gun while in a Manhattan Night Club. Santa, what I really want from you is a pair of bullet proof sweat pants. I would really appreciate it. And if I don’t get it, I’m more then willing to put a cap in your ass. I’ve already shot myself, don’t think I won’t do it to you, punk.

Your pal,

Plaxico Burress

Plax surrendering to police on the field

Dear Santa,

I could really, really, really use a great lawyer right about now.  I know you don’t want to be associated with me at the moment, but I can get you really great seats to see the Cubs, or the Bulls or the Bears. Or maybe its a different type of seat you’re looking for, like say a Senate seat? Think it through big man, think it through. Also, if you ever call the house, be careful the call is probably being tapped, not that that stopped me from being a total dumbass and exposing how big of a crook I am for the whole nation to hear. So yeah, the wife is cussing at me right now, so I better run. Thanks ahead for the lawyers! I hope behind home plate offers a nice view.

Your friend,

Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

Shockingly Governor Balgojevich did not ask Santa for Just For Men hair coloring

Dear Santa,

When I was a little boy I always dreamed of pitching in the National League on the West coast away from the huge media spotlight. So thats why signing with the Yankees for 160 million dollars was a fantastic choice! Just between you and me, can you believe how stupid Hank Steinbrenner is? That assclown promised to pay me twenty million more dollars if I could find him nude pictures of his girl Jennifer Love Hewitt on the Internet. The dumb shit doesn’t even know how to use Google!!! I was also able to squeeze out an extra five million when I told him the Seattle Seahawks had made an offer in the 120 million dollar range. The Seahawks aren’t even a baseball team. Man, can you believe how stupid they are. 161 Mill GUARANTEED for the next seven years. They’ll never be able to get rid of me. I figure if I start working hard now, I’ll be able to reach my goal of 350 pounds by Spring Training. Anyway, Santa for Christmas,  I was wondering if you could get me Plaxico Burress’ old handgun so I can defend myself in three years when the Steinbrenners try to kill me, since the only way they can get me off the team is by throwing me into the Hudson River. At that point I’ll  be so fat, PN News will look like Paris Hilton next to me. The papers are just going to love me after I blow playoff game, after playoff game, after playoff game. Its going to be a blast! So, I hope to see you on the 25th Santa. Let me know when you’re stopping by, we can share a few dozen pounds of cookies together.

Your filthy rich new friend,

CC Sabathia

CC Sabathia laughs as he thinks about how many Nathan's Famous hotdogs he can buy with 160 million

Dear Santa,

I don’t ask for much, but for Christmas this year can you have those assholes at the Outsiders Edge stop mentioning the phrase “Paula Creamer nude” in a blatant effort to drive up their Google Search hits? Seriously, its getting really annoying.

Thanks,

Paula Creamer

Paula Creamer looks happy, but underneath that smile wishes SJX would stop asking her about cat baths

Dear Santa,

I won’t lie, times are hard for me right now. I just got sentenced to at least 9 years in prison and USC got screwed out of the National Title game. Man, I never seem to catch any lucky breaks. God, I sure wish Cochran was alive right now, because those punks I have representing me right now clearly don’t have the gift of convincing  juries to let blatantly guilty men walk for crimes they did. For Christmas, all I want is an autographed football signed by me. Hell, I went to jail trying to get back signed memrobillia by me, so I guess now is as good a time as any to get some of it back. Hinsdight is always 20/20 but going to jail for stealing footballs I could have just bought at Dicks for $20.00 and signed myself probably wasn’t worth the next thirty years of my life. Also Claus, if you don’t give me a signed football of me, I’ll have no qualms about stabbing you with aknife and then unsuccesfully decapitating you. I know how to get off for that crime.

Your pal,

Orethal

The Juice: Dumbass going ons trong for 15 years

Dear Santa,

I already am the Chosen One, so I don’t need much. But if there is any way you could get that Elevation to accidentally walk in front of a train, it would be grand. The little bastard won’t stop sending me weird stalkerish letters in the mail. I don’t know how to perform an “Achtung Baby” and I really don’t want to know how. So, just take care of him for me.

Thanks,

Bono

Bono looks happy giving an award acceptance speech, but he really wishes Elevation would stop asking him about cat baths

Dear Santa,

Can you round up Scott Hall, Greg Gagne, and Verne Gagne so they can shoot WrestleRock Rumble 2? That is all we ever ask for.

Your pals,

SJX and El