The Outsiders' Edge

Welcome back to the Edge everybody. I hope you all had a great New Year’s.  Laying around at home watching Charlie Wilson’s War on DVD and listening to Dick Clark awkwardly slur for two hours was really the stuff of dreams. But, such is the life of Elevation. I didn’t want to overextend my mind through wild tomfoolery, in order to bring you the best possible blog entry. (Yeah, right)

Anyway, I’ve decided to just his fast forward on the VCR of life and skip ahead to January 1, 2010. Man, what a year. Some crazy shit went down over the last 365 days and I think its time I brought you all a little recap to bring us up to date.

So without further interruption, I am pleased to present to my beloved Edgeheads 2009: the Year that was.

- On January 4th 2009, long lost Outsiders Edge co-founder SaintJustX  was found on a raft in the Pacific Ocean. Apparently his Oceanic flight from Sydney to Los Angeles crashed following a mysterious disturbance from SJX after his IPod battery went dead while listening to Bon Jovi’s “Its My Life” for the 42nd straight time on a continuous loop. He washed up on a Pacific island, but was soon banned by the Others for thinking that it was an appropriate decision to  hijack the group’s radio equipment so he could rebroadcast their emergency frequency to the tune of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. They decided to just say fuck it and gave SJX a raft and sent him out to sea.

Ben and the rest of the Others will appear in the next season of Lost, but SJX will not due to placing the priority of listening to George Michael over the priority of survival

- In October of 2009 Yankee fans around the world revolted when they learned that George Steinbrenner actually died in 2004. After AJ Burnett’s 8th trip to the DL a pissed off  group of Yankee fans break into Yankee headquarters in Tampa in hopes of kidnapping horrible GM Brian Cashman. The plan went awry after the fans found George Steinbrenner’s body sitting in a rocking chair in the basement just like Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho. Apparently Hank killed the old man in a murderous rage after his father discovered Hank’s massive pile of Jennifer Love Hewitt nude pictures hiding under his mattress.

George Steinbrenner confirms fans questions' that he did indeed pass away in 2004

- In March of 2009 Super Bowl winning quarterback Donovan McNabb signed a five year extension after leading Elevation’s beloved Eagles to their much desired first Super Bowl. Their epic victory over the Ravens will continue to live on in Philadelphia lore for decades to come.

Donovan celebrates after completing his 8th touchdown pass of the day against the Baltimore Ravens

- In April of 2009 UFC Heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar is stripped of his title after Brock hires the Sandman to hit his opponent Frank Mir in the knee with a kendo stick. Nancy Kerrigan is seen seated at ring side at their eventual rematch in October.

The Sandman: The Tonya Harding's husband of the 21st century

- In September of 2009 the New York tabloids went crazy when Yankee superstar and noted male gigalow Alex Rodriguez left his girlfriend Madonna. In October the same tabloids went even crazier when A Rod was seen walking out of Bea Arthur’s apartment following a secret one night stand.

ARod's pursuit to bang older and older women caused him to leave Madonna for veteran star Bea Arthur

- On January 1, 2010 the UFC champions are:

Lightweight: Kenny Florian

Welterweight: GSP

Middleweight: Anderson Silva

Light Heavyweight: Lyoto Machida

Heavyweight: Brock Lesnar

Lyoto Machida doesn't know it yet, but he is the new UFC Light Heavyweight Champion

On Jaunary 1, 2010 the major WWE champions are:

ECW- Jack Swagger

Raw- Batista

Smackdown- Mr. Kennedy

Ken Kennedy will become Smackdown's champion after HHH, Edge, the Big Show, the Undertaker, and Shelton Benjamin all get hurt at the exact same time.

In November of 2009 Tito Ortiz made his triumphant return to the UFC after a year and a half of verbal wars and grab ass with UFC president Dana White. Fresh off of 18 months of banging Jenna Jameson and rehabbing from back surgery, a hungry Tito knocked out Keith Jardine in a second round knockout in a major UFC upset. The win sets up Tito for a title shot against Lyoto Machida sometime in 2010.

Tito got bloodied up before prevailing over Keith Jardine in his triumphant UFC return

In October of 2009 the Phillies repeat as World Series champions. The combination of the Phillies 2008 World Series, the Eagles 2009 Super Bowl and the Philles 2009 World Series causes all of the pent up sports frustration and rage to magically be banished from the city, like when Morodor was destroyed following the destruction of the One Ring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Cole Hamels celebrates his second straight World Series trophy

Thats just a sneak peek of the world that was folks. Hopefully your 2009 was as good as Lyoto Machida’s, Donovan McNabb’s and Bea Arthur’s.

I was going to tell you what happened to Outsiders Edge in 2009, but I want to keep it a surprise for the rest of you as things develop.  A few audio/podcast/ internet radio show ideas are starting to float through my head, but we’ll see what happens.

Thanks for a great first month. Thanks for all the great google hits we’ve been getting. Thanks to all of our great readers, friends, and enemies who make the Edge a routine stop in their internet lives. Go out and tell a few friends, and who knows we might make it somewhere?

~ by lordelevation on January 3, 2009.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: Antonio Nogueira, Benjamin Linus, Cole Hamels, Dick Clark, George Steinbrenner, Lost, Lyoto Machida, Michelle Yeoh, Tito Ortiz