The Outsiders' Edge

Hello everybody. Thank you for getting your Edge on again. Before I launch into the latest tomfoolery and ballyhoo, I’d like to mention two things.

One- Please check out the links to the right side of the screen. You can hear my radio show and interviews with people like Bret Hart and Frank Shamrock. Besides that you can follow Saint or I around on Twitter as much as you want. Saint is on there alot talking about LPGA and PGA gambling, as well as trying to make small talk and hit on women like Morgan Pressel. 90% of my updates are about the radio show and telling Pete Carroll to go fuck himself. So, be sure to help the Outsiders’ Edge gang get their Twit on.

USC Football coach Pete Carroll looks perplexed after reading another Twitter message in which Elevation asks him to go f himself.

Two- I need a little help and guidance from you all in helping me sort out my plans for the Summer. Simply, I want to go see a WWE show live when it hits they hit the MD/PA/DC area at the end of July. I had been thinking about attending UFC 101 in early August, but tickets for that event cost more than an entire section of seats at a WWE show, so I think I’m going to go with wrestling. Here are the choices:

Smackdown and ECW House Show in Hershey PA

Smackdown and ECW TV taping in Baltimore MD

Monday Night Raw Taping in Washington DC

WWE Night of Champions pay-per view in Philadelphia PA.

What say you Elevation Nation? All four shows will probably be good. I think the house show and the PPV will have the best in ring action. However, I’ve been to a house show, but never to a TV taping. So let me use the poll feature and feel the pulse of the OE community before I make a decision. 4 great choices, all with positives and negatives. I’m truly interested in your opinion. Not your’s Tito Santana, but everyone else’s.

Enjoy:

Now, there were two big announcements in MMA this week. First, Anderson Silva will be fighting Forrest Griffin in the main event of the aforementioned UFC 101 in Philadelphia. Its a huge fight that will definitely have more fireworks than the Spider’s last two fights against the Val Venis-esque jobbers Patrick Cote and Thales Leites. That fight combined with BJ Penn vs. Kenny Florian in a lightweight title match have combined to make UFC 101 a very compelling event.

Speaking of compelling, let me talk to you all a little bit about mixed martial arts in Japan. For whatever reason our Oriental friends enjoy putting together some of the weirdest fucking cards in MMA. Whether through PRIDE or in the new DREAM promotion Japanese fans have always been fascinated by human freak shows. They enjoy little people. They enjoy giant people. They enjoy watching giant people fuck up little people. And its very, very fascinating because Japanese fans have been treated to signature performances from some of the sport’s greatest legends over the years. People like Wanderlei Silva, Kazushi Sakuraba, Masakatsu Funaki, Fedor, Antonio Nogueira, Rampage Jackson, Cro Cop, Dan Henderson, the Shamrocks, and Don Frye all became legends in Japan and kicked some major ass. Despite seeing these masters at work Japanese fans have always had an almost absurdest fondness for people like Giant Silva the 7 ft 2 inch walking pituitary gland disorder from Brazil who the Japanese ate up despite amassing an atrocious 2-6 record in Japan and who got killed by guys like Heath Herring and James Thompson.

I'd rather receive a cat bath from Arn Anderson than look Giant Silva in the eye. God, what an ugly bastard.

They’ve also enjoyed freaks like Bob Sapp. Bob Sapp is a giant of a man who washed out in the NFL for the Baltimore Ravens and decided to move to Japan where he could legally pursue two of his favorite activities: Taking steroids and destroying people. Sapp is a mixed martial artist, kickboxer, and professional wrestler who is famous for suffering ridiculous losses to guys like Nogueira and Mirko Cro Cop despite his enormous size advantage. For some reason, his kickboxing match against Mirko Cro Cop reminded me of a cutaway scene in a Sacha Baron Cohen film. You can watch that fight in the video below. Regardless of his actual fighting ability Bob Sapp continues to be loved to this day by Japanese fighting fans due to his larger than life personality and fucking hugeness.

So I hope you get my drift. Japanese fighting fans love watching giant men fight even if they totally suck  at what they do. Japanese also love watching giant freaks take on men half their size. They don’t give a shit that having 600 pound giants inflict punishment on people like Antonio Nogueira and Wanderlei Silva really isn’t a great thing in the long run. Now imagine your Japanese and I am running the DREAM promotion. Imagine if I told you I was organizing an eight person “Superman” tournament for people of all weights, sizes, and backgrounds? Are you excited yet hypothetical Japanese fan because you better fucking be. Let me present to you the DREAM promotion’s open weight tournament for their ninth show. Here are the four opening round matchups:

1- Ikuhisa “Minowaman” Minowa vs. Bob Sapp

Minowa a 5-8 190 pund Japanese fighter will be giving up six inches and over 150 pounds to fight the 6-4 350 Sapp. Lets see, does it our Japanese super fan check list? 1-Includes a small man. Yes  2- Includes a big man. Yes  3- Includes a giant man potentially pounding the shit out of a little man. Hell yeah!

2-Jan Nortje vs. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou

Nortje is 6-8 and weighs 330 pounds. Sokodjou does not. He stands 6-0 tall and weighs 205 pounds. Sokodjou was a standout for PRIDE, but was a total bust in the UFC. His body is one giant muscle and he is now relegated to fighting freakishly tall South African kickboxers for no particular reason. Welcome home to Japan Rameau! Well played.

3- Mark Hunt vs. Gegard Mousasi

Hunt is 5-11, 275. Mousai 6-0 200. Mission accomplished.

4- Hong Man Choi vs Jose Canseco

Wait, what? Jose Canseco? What the hell. Yeah you’re reading that correctly. Jose Canseco noted baseball player, celebrity boxer, Madonna fucker, author, and steroids user has decided to make his mixed martial arts debut this May for DREAM over in Japan.

Yeah um. This may not end well. His opponent, like many on this freak card, suffers from a pituitary gland disorder. As a result Choi weighs well over 350 pounds and is 7ft. 3 inches tall. Jose Canseco’s “professional” fighting experience is limited to celebrity boxing matches against former Philadelphia Eagle Vai Sikahema and former Partrigde Family Star Danny Bonaduce.

Time for a little game. Its called the Six degrees of Hong Man Choi.

Hong Man Choi is fighting Jose Canseco.

Former Philadlephia Eagle legend and Elevation Radio guest Vince Papale was the celebrity referee for the Jose Canseco-Danny Bonaduce fight.

Vince Papale was interviewed by me.

I am friends with SaintJustx.

SaintJustX used to go out with Erica Blasberg.

Erica Blasberg owns Sammy the Samoyed.

It all comes back to Sammy.

Sammy wonders why the fuck he is this column.

and here is the piccture of the Andre the Giant like dude Jose Canseco will be grappling with:

Take a fucking guess which one Hong Man Choi is

Are you sure you want to do this Jose? I know you’re probably knee deep in bankruptcy, and your dick is the smaller than Sammy the neutered the Samoyed after all the steroid abuse, but trust me fighting Hong Man Choi will be about the 18th most embarrassing thing you have done since 2005, which is really saying something.

I don't even know what to say here

Yeah, I don’t really know what the hell is going to happen to Jose Canseco, but I’m sure it will be masturbatory for all of the Japanese patrons who happen to be attending DREAM 9.

Thanks for stopping by the Edge. Go out and tell your friends about us, vote in the poll, and I hope you enjoyed your education on Japanese culture. Until next time,さようなら.

~ by lordelevation on May 1, 2009.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: Bob Sapp, DREAM, Forrest Griffin, Giant Silva, Hong Man Choi, Jose Canseco, Pete Carroll