The Outsiders' Edge

Welcome back to the Outsiders Edge.  Big things going down in the sports world this week. Kobe and the gang are world champions of basketball, US Open golf this weekend (look for SJX’s preview), some soccer tournament in South Africa that the US is getting apartheited in, I finally beat Zelda, and oh so much more.

Also, check out this interview with Bret Hart that I did with him earlier this year.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart

I would write a little more about these things, but I like writing my blog posts in such a way that people can enjoy them at any time, regardless of date, and not feel put off due to the time sensitivity of a post directly related to the analysis of a game that may have taken place 14 weeks prior to the authorship of the post.
This entry, is one of those posts that can be read at anytime. I can assure you of that. You may think that SJX and I post alot of dark and hysterically shocking material here at the Edge. However, the stuff you see here is nowhere near as prolific as the hundreds of private messages Saint and I have been sending back and forth to each other, almost weekly, for close to three years now. Its where we coordinate our amazing logistics here at the Edge- such as our innate ability to both go 4 weeks without posting any new pieces and then deciding independently on the same day to post something at the same time. The Outsiders Edge: Where non-coordination happens.

Elevation and SJX meet in person for the fist time.

Anyway, we enjoy doing lists of things on this website. List of best UFC Champions, List of best wrestlers to never win a world title in the WWE, List of Dear Santa letters from people like OJ Simpson and CC Sabathia. This latest list is directly inspired by a private message brainstorming session between SJX and myself that was inspired by the tremendously entertaining death of Mr. David Carradine. Carradine’s decision to go out by inadvertently hanging himself, in Thailand, while wearing womens’ clothing ranks up their as one of the greatest unintentionally hilarious celebrity deaths of all time. This blog shall be a list of those celebrity deaths who have provided the best comedic fodder for SJX and myself. I understand that some people will likely be put off by this list. If you don’t like it- here is a PN News video that should hold you over for the time it would have taken you to read this piece. (A a more appealing selection than my original choice of playing a video of a Mitsuharu Misawa match (too soon) (damn me)

Alright. Let it begin. 5 funniest celebrity deaths:

5- Tito Santana via hot air balloon accident:

Just kidding, damn it.

5- JFK JR. via private plane crash into the Ocean.

Really JFK, you had to fly your own plane in the fog? Really?

You know,  plane crashes are not funny things. There have been plenty of celebrities- Buddy Holly, Payne Stewart, John Denver, etc. These were all tragic accidents, but some people need to wake the fuck up and look at the pattern. Lets see John Kennedy- assassinated. Robert Kennedy- assassinated . The career of Mr. Kennedy- assassinated. Woman driving in the car that a drunken Ted Kennedy drove off a bridge- assassinated. Michael Kennedy- death via ski accident. Come on now. Do we see a pattern developing here? If I’m John Kennedy I’m locking myself into my penthouse in New York City and ordering 19 year old Playboy models to bone all day from a take out menu, and I’m as happy as can be. None of this piloting a private plane in the night and the fog over the Atlantic Ocean. You’re a Kennedy. What the hell did you expect would happen? Life?

4- Ted Williams via Freezing.

Photo taken of Ted Williams shortly after his passing.

Alright, maybe that picture was a cheap shot. Yes, we all know that Ted Williams didn’t actually die from freezing. It was from cancer or heart disease, or some such natural cause.  However, the tomfoolery and ballyhoo after Ted’s death set off a chain reaction of comedic events that remains with us to this day. About 1 second after his death, operatives from a mysterious money laundering cryonics company burst into the hospital room, pumped Ted full of freezing chemicals and took his body to a giant fridge somewhere in Arizona where it remains to this day. The point of all this? I don’t know. Apparently Ted’s son thought that Teddy baseball wanted to spend the rest of time in some cryogenic shark tank next to Walt Disney, in hopes that doctors will somehow find cures for all diseases that plague the earth. One disease that isn’t getting cured anytime soon: stupidity.

3- Roy Horn (honorary member) near death via white tiger attack

Montecore the Tiger came up small in the clutch and allowed Roy to live.

The incident between Montecore the Tiger and gay German illusionist Roy Horn had the potential to be the number one death on that list. One magical night in Las Vegas Siegfried and Roy were up to their usual antics of petting and groping live Tigers when things went a little haywire. According to published reports, a trap door was inadvertently opened on stage that resulted in Montecore the Tiger’s balls getting trapped in the door. Needless to say, this caused considerable pain, sent the Tiger into a panic and resulted in him biting the next person who touched him, who just happened to be Roy. He then proceeded to bite Roy in the neck and carry him off the stage, resulting in one of the greatest “animal revenge” stories of all time. This story was so much better then what happened to the Crocodile Hunter. Had the Crocodile Hunter been eaten by a giant crocodile- with the baby in the hand- it would have been high up on this list. But since, Steve Irwin’s life was taken by an overachieving sting ray, he isn’t on here. Of course, Roy didn’t die and he and Siegfried are still living happily together doing whatever it is they do together, Roy is only an honorary member of this list. The lesson from this story- don’t let gay people play with tigers.

2- David Carradine via accidental autoerotic asphyxiation- while wearing womens’ clothes.

Kill Jill?

Oh Nelly. Not sure where to start with this one. I have always had a rule of thumb. In my life, I have always gone by the philosophy that  going to Thailand, wearing a rope around my neck and my genitals, with my hands tied up also, while in womens’ clothing and a wig is generally a negative situation to be in. Apparently David Carradine of Kill Bill fame did not follow that same credo. His family has valiantly tried to pass the suggestion on that Carradine’s death was  the result of an angry ninja assassination attempt, but seriously come on. Bill was a bit of a 72 year old pervert. He always had a kind of strange air about himself. lets be honest, if someone had told you five years ago that David Carradine was going to die via accidental hanging as the result of an odd sex act, would you truly be all that surprised? Its not like we are talking about Andy Garcia. Carradine was always a bit of an oddball. The lesson from this one? Don’t go to Fucking Thailand. Pervs are ALWAYS in Thailand. Its a ton of Gary Glitter, John Mark Karr types. You never hear about like Bruce Springsteen or Will Smith going to Thailand. Its always people who are kind of pervy. So stay away!

1 Chris Benoit via suicide after killing his family

Standing 5 foot 11 and 220 pounds your world heavyweight champion and murderer Chris Benoit

You know, before I wrote this post, I decided to send SJX a text message that said: “The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open.” Hopefully he got it in time.

Yeah Benoit. Nothing echos barrel o’ fun like a murder-suicide involving the wife and child. Chris at least proved that the Crippler Crossface is an effective finishing move that actually inflicts pain in any situation. You know, like in the main event at WrestleMania against HHH and Shawn Michaels, or while murdering your 5 year old special needs child. At least wrestling groups smarted up and finally stopped doing brain damaging chair shots and ridiculous spots like jumping off the top of a ladder 15 feet in the air onto a small group of wrestlers. Oh wait. Never-mind, shit like that still happens virtually every WWE, TNA, ROH, New Japan, Old Japan, and every single Indy show around the world.

One of the things about Chris Benoit is that he was always a fantastic worker who knew how to put together a match with masterful ring psychology. And he demonstrated that with his family member. He started off slow with the wife, moved on to the son with the crossface, and saved himself for the main event, after cutting a few great text message promos like “My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayeteville Georgia. 30215″. My God, Dusty Rhodes couldn’t book an event better than that. Hell Chris Benoit’s corpse is still a better worker than 50% of the clowns employed in the WWE and TNA these days. Have you seen Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase Jr.? Those two are about as large as 14 year old girls and have the mic skills of Stephen Hawking without his voice box in.

Well then. Thats about all I have for now. Hopefully I’ll be back soon. However, that may change once the authorities read this post. I’ll likely be thrown in a Thai prison cell with Gary Glitter after this gets passed around the web.

So, enjoy this entry. Enjoy SJX’s US Open preview. Check the twitter. Check the radio show. I’m in early talks with a major, major guest who may be interested.

Peace.

~ by lordelevation on June 16, 2009.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Benoit, David Carradine, David Carradine death photos, JFK JR, Ted Williams