The Outsiders' Edge

Wow. My last column really exploded, didn’t it? That was some good shit right there. The Benoit entry certainly raised quite a few eyebrows. All of my friends who read the piece were totally horrified that I made Chris the world champion of the list. However, to a man every single one of them couldn’t keep a straight face as they tried to explain their disdain of the decision to me.

Speaking of wrestling, before I go on any further, let me vent something. Why?????????????????????????????????????????? Why must the on going dick dance between Randy Orton, John Cena, and HHH never end on Monday Night Raw? Usually Batista would be up there too, but he is hurt for the millionth time. After it was announced that Cena and HHH would be facing up in the finals of a number one contenders tournament to find out who would be facing Randy Orton, I nearly had a spasm. Honest to Christ, I would rather watch Bushwhacker Luke vs. The Goon next week on Monday Night Raw then those two wellness policy breaking rapscallions.

I honestly have no idea what is happening in this photo.

Alright focus. What was I saying? Ah, yes. I believe that my critically and popularly acclaimed funniest celebrity death piece has obviously been the reason for the amazing rash in recent celebrity deaths. While I was writing the piece, Japanese professional wrestling legend Misawa died in the ring. Ed McMahon died from being an old man, Farrah Fawcett passed away from cancer, The Miz’s wrestling career was murdered repeatedly by John Cena, TV’s Billy Mays died from heart disease, and of course Michael Jackson died from a presumed drug overdose.

Either this blog pissed off God, or I just had really horrible timing. I’ve decided to do something to try and counteract the bad mojo that the death entry might have unleashed. Look to the right of the screen. Check out the new advertisement. Its a box dedicated to the group “Stand Up To Cancer”. It isn’t asking for your money. All we’re asking for is your clicks. The more clicks the box gets the more advertising revenue the charity will get. I was looking for a way to spice up the website and since nude pictures of Natalie Gulbis  or WWE’s Kelly Kelly weren’t available, I went with the cancer promotion.

Get naked bitch!

Now I know the Misawa, Fawcett, McMahon and, Mays stories are really sad. All the people left families behind and legions of fans, or bottles of OxiClean. However, I just can’t feel all that sad for Michael Jackson. Nope. Everything about this damn story is driving me up a freaking wall. First of all, the media coverage has been absolutely sickening. The goddamn media has completely dropped the ball in covering the on going disturbance in Iran. Iran is one of the United States’ biggest rivals, is going through a once in a lifetime type of revolution, that could potentially beneficial to our country, and the media has completely abandoned its coverage of the event to focus on the death of a translucent child molester. Shame on you media. Imagine if CNN quit covering the breaking of the Berlin Wall, because the gay dancer/ singer guy from Frankie goes to Hollywood  died in a power tools accident.

All the members of Frankie Goes to Hollywood are still alive. I think.

If the media fawning isn’t enough, there are no worse human beings in the world then the bulbous protista who call themselves Michael Jackson fans. How the hell could you worship that man? I know he was a talented musician, but the man was a total pedophile. My God, in the 90s, he paid one family 25 million dollars and his housekeeper, whose son he repeatedly groped and had sex with between 2 and 3 million to shut them up. How could you possibly support somebody like that? During the last molestation trial, it was revealed that Jacko had a complex alarm system rigged to warn he and any of his little boy lovers to get the hell out of each other, in case any “adults” happened to be walking by.

I know alot of musicians have had severe problems- Keith Richards with heroin, James Taylor with insanity, etc. but pedophilia? What the hell is wrong with you people? Look, I’m a huge Springsteen fan. However, if it turned out he was a child molestor, I think that would probably cause the fandom flame to maybe din a little bit. Jackson hadn’t even released an album in eight or nine years, and hadn’t performed a single concert in the USA for over a decade. What the hell was there to be so supportive of? I’ve seen his fans. They’ve always been total whackjobs. Its one thing to love a guy because of his music, but to be so emotionally invested in every fiber of his personal and professional life is just insanity. I’m sorry, but if Jacko’s death actually caused you to lose tears of sadness, you deserve to moonwalk in hell right next to him.

My favorite thing about the Jacko coverage are the varying degrees of “friends” that have completely popped up out of the wood work. For a man who spent all day in 9 year olds with cancer (Speaking of click the link on the right), Michael Jackson sure has a ton of long time friends who are more than will to spill their guts out about his specialness on CNN or NBC. A ton of people, Deepak Chopra, Usher, Rev. Al Sharpton, Miko Brando- (what a dick dance of a person that is. Miko Brando is the douche bag legacy child of Marlon, who made a name for himself as Michael’s “longtime friend, body guard, and adviser” Apparently being the guy who has to make late night apple juice runs out to 7-11 to help Michael romance 11 year olds is worthy of the moniker “long time friend”) and more. My favorite part was when Brando said that he had never seen Michael Jackson take any more pills than an average person. No more pills than an average person? Who does Miko consider an average person- Chris Benoit? I’m looking forward to the celebrities who will be interviewed on Larry King Live, when I die. I imagine it will be a nice three person panel between, SJX, Bret Hart, and Tito Santana.(check out my interview with the Hitman at the link to the right). My other favorite part have been the conversations about the future of Michael Jackson’s children. Apparently his parents will become the guardians. They did such a bangup job raising the first batch of Jacksons. I imagine we’ll meet again in 40 years to do this story again.

Farrah Fawcett really looked different right before her death. Oh wait.

Alright. I’m tired of talking about that dead boy woman.  I hope you enjoy the new theme. Click on the cancer links. Follow us on Twitter, listen to my radio show. Wrestling legend Mikey Whipwreck is scheduled for July 10th at 1PM- so tune in!

I’m going to go go manly things like read a Tom Clancy novel, and watch Youtube ECW matches between the Sandman, Tommy Dreamer and the Dudley Boyz to get my manly edge back.

Peace out!

~ by lordelevation on July 1, 2009.

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