The Outsiders' Edge

Alright lads. Football season is finally here. The NFL is also about to start, but I thought I would offer up my thoughts and predictions on how I see the English Premier League going down.

Unfortunately I was unable to write this article until after the first weekend of play. Had I known Everton were going to lose 6-1 to Arsenal I likely would not have picked them to finish 4th in the EPL, one spot ahead of the aforementioned Gunners.

I kind of like how I am writing this article, while SJX who actually lives in England, is half asleep on his couch watching an American golf tournament. Welcome to Globalization. Maybe he can do the NBA preview. Actually thats probably a bad idea. After the 47th watermelon reference people may start to get a little angry. I can at least pretend to sound smart when it comes to the top 9 teams are so, however from 10 and below it will be a total dick dance. Bear with me everyone.

Here we go- my table for the 09/10 EPL Season

Farewell to thee:

20- Wolves

19- Hull City

18-Portsmouth

I apologize to all the Wolves, Pompey and Hull City fans out there. Look on the bright side, you guys are going to make strong runs at the Coca Cola Championship next year, so that you can come back and get relegated in 2011/2012. Hull City made a nice signing with Jozy Altidore, but he won’t be enough to overcome their talent deficiency. Hopefully Phil Brown will be smart enough to actually play Altidore, unlike that dolt Bob Bradley who thought it would be a better idea to start Brian Ching for 75 minutes in the Mexico/USA game at Azteca.

Similarly, Kevin Doyle – the Irish forward was a nice pickup for Wolverhampton, but it won’t be enough to stick around for next season. At least Mick McCarthy could kick Sir Alex Ferguson’s ass in a fight.

Portsmouth was just murdered this transfer market. July was a rough month for them, when they lost Peter Crouch, Sean Davis and the other Pele among others. June wasn’t much better when Glen Johnson ran off to Liverpool. Their ownership situation has been a bit off a mess with Sulaiman Al- Fahim’s attempted take over. It has been the most blatant hijacking by an Arab since……. (electroshock therapy and dignity did not permit me to finish that joke.)

Jozy Altidore will frequently have this sad look on his face while playing for Hull City

17- Burnley

16- Wigan

15-Birmingham

14- Bolton

13- Blackburn

12-Stoke

11- Fulham

I won’t lie, I really don’t know shit about any of these teams. I know Burnley has a solid manger in Owen Coyle, and I think they have just enough talent to stave off relegation. Wigan has done a nice job of carving out a lower to mid table place in the EPL since they joined the league in 2005. They haven’t really done anything this transfer market to indicate any major change in their placement. Birmingham has Gary Ferguson who is a pretty good Scottish player. Unfortunately Scotland’s manger didn’t agree with that assessment last week and left him on the bench as Scotland got drubbed 4-0 against Norway and pretty much ruined whatever shot they had of making the World Cup. Bolton was one late season run from becoming part of the Coca Cola league last season. Their manager Gary Megson will be one of the leaders in the sack race. At least Johan Elmander has a fierce stare.

Johan Elmander and his steely gaze will bore a hole through your heart.

Stoke finished 12th last season in a pretty solid finish. Unfortunately they haven’t won a relevant title or trophy since Cromwell was England’s Guardian Protector. Paul Robinson is probably Blackburn’s most famous player. He should have a pretty good season unless the Rovers transfer to the Croat league. The rest of the team is a bit short on talent and will have a damn hard time putting the ball in the net.

Fulham has a little bit of a soft spot in Americans heart because of Brian McBride’s run as one of their forwards. They have continued the American tradition with  Clint Dempsey. Dempsey is a bit of a garbage time goal specialist. Usually he scores all of goals against the likes of Barbados or Trinidad and Tobago. However, he did have a solid run in the Confederations Cup and scored quite a few goals against Egypt, Spain and Brazil. Unfortunately he decided to wear an invisibility cloak against Mexico last week. Fulham needs big time scoring output from guys like Bobby Zamora and Andrew Johnson if they want to make a bit of a run at advancing up the table.

Clint Dempsey attempting a corner kick against Mexico

10-West Ham United

West Ham is another team that consistently carves out the same spot year after year in their table. Their fans are a bit annoying and they are rivals with the Spurs. I guess that means I have to hate them. Carlton Cole has to have a big season for them.

9- Aston Villa

Aston Villa was another team that didn’t really do anything significant in the transfer market. Stewart Downing was a solid addition from Middlesbrough, but I don’t know if he was quite worth £12,000,000. Teams around the world can thank Man City and Real Madrid for totally screwing up the transfer market by spending far too much $$$. Villa’s goalkeeper is Brad Friedel who American fans will remember from the 2002 World Cup. He is the guy who grew up in Ohio but now speaks with a British accent. Villa got off to a nice start to the season by beating Juventus via PKs to win the Peace Cup in Spain. They also beat a tough Porto team, luckily they avoided Real Madrid. Ashley Young is one of the top players in England, and will be looking to have a monster year in order to fortify his place on their World Cup squad. I don’t really like Villa’s long term prospects because they are owned by the same group that oversees the Cleveland Browns. If you’re ever looking for a management team to run your squad into the ground and piss off your fan base, they are your men.

8-Sunderland

Sunderland is my dark horse pick for the season. Steve Bruce is a damn good manager and I think they went about building a team the right way unlike Man City. Sunderland filled specific needs instead of tossing money at their problems. Frazier Campbell, Darren Bent, and Lee Cattermole were all fantastic signings. I expect them to slow the pace down a bit and end up with many 0-0, 1-0, 1-1 type results. They did this in Week 1 when a lone Bent goal provided all the scoring they needed against Bolton. How can you not like a team that plays in the Stadium of Light?

Darren Bent's goal scoring prowess diverts attention from Sunderland's hideous looking shirts.

7- Tottenham Hotspur

Get it on baby. I’m a Spurs supporter myself, however I believe 7th is a reasonable prediction for their finish. They looked damn good beating Liverpool 2-1 today at White Hart Lane. It was also pretty crazy that with all of their depth at forward, Defoe, Keane, Crouch etc. their two goals came from Bassong and Benoît Assou-Ekotto who are two defensemen. Offensively I think the Spurs will be fine. They are loaded at striker with Jermaine Defoe, Robbie Keane, Peter Crouch and Roman Pavlyuchenko. Defoe and Keane deserve to start, but the other two will be fine off the bench. With Jonathan Woodgate’s injury and Ledley King getting up their in years and surgeries central defense has the potential to be a big weakness for the Spurs. That combined with Gomes occasional bad play could result in quite a few goals given up. However, the D looked great against Liverpool today, and the only goal given up was the result of Gomes undercutting Glen Johnson as he ran past the box.  Bassong definitely has the potential to play up to a level that will have the fans forgetting about Woodgate. David Bentley’s propensity for getting hammered and driving into light poles will ensure plenty of playing time for Wilson Palacios and Aaron Lennon. Bentley has been a total dog for the Spurs, but nobody will pay close to the 15 million pounds they wasted on him. As long as he continues to play poorly Spurs fans will be buying Bentley drinks left and right in a hope that he will eventually make a wrong turn into their front patio.

David Bentley reenacts the reaction of most Spurs fans when they found out he had been bailed out of prison.

6- Manchester City

With all of their added talent and expectations, Mark Hughes better show instant results or he will undoubtedly be out of a job by New Year’s Day. This transfer market Man City spent over 90 million pounds bringing in Tevez, Toure, Santa Cruz, Barry, Adebayor and many others. They also have their sights set on Everton’s Joleon Lescott. Teams don’t spend 90 million pounds in order to finish 5th through 10th. It was top 4 money, and Man City fans and ownership expect to finish in the top four. They spent a ton of money on guys who are really, really good but not quite great. Frankly I think Carlos Tevez is a space creature. He has to be the ugliest human being in the history of the world. I wouldn’t let my dog go near him in fear that he would get eaten. There are quite a few players on Man City like that midget Shawn Wright Phillips, Tevez, Robinho, and Nigel De Jong who are going to have to get used to much less playing time due to all of their new depth. A few of those guys could try to force their way out in order to go to a club and get more playing time prior to the World Cup. Man City does have a great Irish contingent in Stephen Ireland, Shay Given, and Richard Dunne. If nothing else, the shit load of Guiness they drink should cause them to forget about their disappointing sixth place finish.

Tevez looks like he should be bursting out of John Hurt's stomach in Alien instead of playing soccer.

5-Arsenal

4- Everton

Alright I will be a man and stick to my original prediction that Everton would finish higher than Arsenal this season. It was a sound call until Aresenal beat the bloody hell out of Everton in week 1. 6-1!!! How the hell do you lose a football/soccer game 6-1? Was Brad Lidge pitching for Everton?

I thought Arsenal would be down a bit this year because they sold off Adebayor and Toure and did little to replace them. Or so I thought. Apparently Thomas Vermaelen, their new addition from the Dutch league will be able to help fill some of the void left by Toure. Aresenal has to keep it up this year, or fairly or unfairly voices will start to grow critical of Arsene Wenger. The insurmountable debt his club operates under has defintely limited some of Wenger’s prowess in the transfer market. With their high scoring style Arsenal will hang around the top 5 and probably beat out Everton.

Now for Everton. You bastards. Way to make me look like a total dumbass. Hopefully Tim Howard was severely jet lagged from Mexico. He usually plays well for the USA, but I’ve never felt 100% comfortable with him in net. I just have a feeling he is going to have a total break down like he did against Arsenal in an important World Cup game.  I still like Everton’s roster, especially after they get everybody back. Hopefully Artetta can return from knee surgery and Lescott doesn’t go run off to Man City. I believe Everton’s manager David Moyes will replace Sir Alex at Man United one day. I still like their roster. They have a solid midfield with Neville, Osman, Big Fellaini, Tim Cahill, Pienaar and others. Yakubu is another big player Everton needs to get healthy. In the meantime hopefully Jo and Saha can fill his scoring void. Everton is pretty thin at the moment but I believe that if they can get whole and stay healthy they will strike down one of the Big 4. However, if the keep giving up 6 goals a game they’d have a hard time against Ipswich Town.

David Moyes has a hearty laugh after reading my prediction for Everton to finish 4th.

3- Liverpool

Liverpool received a punch in the face from the Spurs in their first game of the campaign, but they should still have a decent run this season. Losing Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid was another punch in the face during the transfer market. See what I’m getting at?

Steven Gerrard getting away from jail time despite being filmed blatantly punching a man in the face was Liverpool’s biggest victory of the season to date. Their title hopes rest with Stevie G and losing him for any amount of time would have really battered their chances. (Alright enough El.) Despite the loss of Alonso Liverpool still has a powerful offense with Dirk Kuyt, G, and Fernando Torres. Jamie Carragher and the gang should hold down the fort with a formidable defense. Liverpool’s ownership group includes Tom Hicks the guy who signed A-Rod to a 250 million dollar contract. Clearly his financial effectiveness has spread to Liverpool where they are also under a plateau of debt. Despite that I believe they will finish third. Gerrard and Torres are two of the 5 best players in the EPL and that should be enough to beat out Everton, Man City, or Arsenal.

With Stevie G, Liverpool will always have a puncher's chance at the title.

2- Manchester United

Compared to most years, Man United has had a rough start to the season between losing Ronaldo in the transfer market and the injuries to Rio Ferdinand and Edwin van der Sar. However, at the end of the day I expect Man United to be challenging for the top spot of the EPL. Getting Michael own on a free transfer from Newcastle was one of the smartest moves that took place in the transfer market. He won’t replace all of Ronaldo’s goals but he will do well. I believe he will have a better season this year for the Red Devils than Tevez had in 2008/2009. I think Owen has something to prove to all of the haters out there who make him sound like he is near death, despite only being 29.

I think Man United will also benefit by getting some of their talented young guys like Nani and Anderson onto the field. They need to find out what they have at midfield especially since Scholes and Heargreaves may be wrapping up their careers at Old Trafford. Rooney and Berbatov also need to have great seasons for Man United. He is also an ugly human being, but Wayne Rooney is one of the most talented young players in all of England. He has to take the ball and run with it this year. People were mad Man United didn’t spend a ton this transfer season, but I expect they will next year as the Ferdinands, Scholes, and Gary Nevilles of the world continue to age.

After their spectacular demolition against Norway perhaps Sir Alex will answer his homeland’s bell and take over as Scotland’s national manager. Actually nevermind. He would only take that position if Scotland was renamed Sir Alexville.

The staggering amount of bluster and hot air from Sir Alex causes Nani to go head over heels.

1- Your 2009/2010 EPL Champs- Chelsea

Chelsea FC will will win the 2009/2010 English Premier League. They have the most talented roster from top to bottom, and I really love the diamond formation that new manager Carlo Ancelotti has put in place. They are stacked from goal to striker. Cech, Terry, Alex, Carvalo, Cole, Bosingwa, Malouda, Ballack, Deco, Mikel, Lampard, Essien, Anelka, Joe Cole, Shevchenko, Zhirkov, Drogba- how the hell do you beat this team? They will probably grind out a few close decisions, but that is absolutely stacked. Unlike most of the top EPL teams, Chelsea did not lose a single significant player this season. While the other Big 4 lost Ronaldos, Alonsos, and Toures Chelsea only got stronger with the addition of Yuri Zhirkov. Once he gets over his knee ailment he will only strengthen a bear of a Chelsea club.

Chelsea is owned by the mysterious Roman Abramovich. Chelsea is the second most valuable team Roman owns. His most valuable team is the personal death squad he has at his disposal to murder Russian business rivals. I’m just kidding. Probably. Kind of. Seriously don’t kill me Roman, I really like your team.

Jesus, Lampard put a shirt on you ugly bastard.

Well there it is. Elevation’s exhaustive EPL preview.

Quick hits:

Champs- Chelsea

Player of Year- Lampard

Biggest Flop- Man City

First Coach Fired- Phil Brown

Team most likely to make Elevation look like a moron- Everton

Peace out.