The Outsiders' Edge

(I know this is the second German post in a row, but Jake and Peter sent me such great applications  in regards to the Berlin post that I decided to bring both of them on board to help teach us dumb Americans a but about German sports. It certainly isn’t the first time Germany has been split in two. Too soon? har har har har. Enjoy Peter’s article and continue to make The Outsiders Edge your home for Bundesliga)

Last night the world’s classiest and most attractive football club, 1. FC Nuremberg took on a rowdy mob of football hooligans from Bavaria. Despite Nuremberg showing supreme skill and world class finesse, and clearly out classing their Neanderthal opponents, Bayern Munich managed to pay off the referee, cut a deal with the devil and shoved horseshoes in their back pocket to fluke out a late match victory. The first half saw “Der Club”, 1. F.C Nuremberg in top form, toying with their opponents who looked distraught, drunk and were repeatedly heard making racial slurs towards little girls in the crowd. After God intervened for some reason to deny Nuremberg at least three goals, the first half ended in a scoreless draw.

During the intermission, the Bavarian xenophobes prayed to idols of fortune and were visited by six warlocks bent on spreading misery to mankind. This was while Nuremberg players were posing for photo shoots with their sweet bods and using the money raised to combat the global economic crisis, the warlocks placed a curse on their starting line. Early in the second half, Olić, a descendent of a long line of ogres (or commonly referred to as Croatians), managed to score while stubbing his toe, scratching his crotch, and ogling a nun in the crowd. Nuremberg showed off their great strength of character by recognizing the warlock’s curse and making a substitution, Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting, who promptly scored in a dazzling display of skill and sportsmanship. The Bavarian mafia, however, responded by holding the entire continent of Africa hostage, which quieted Choupo-Moting, realizing that the game was less important to him than the lives of billions.

Arjen Robben had one assist in a tight derby game between FC Bayern and 1.FCN

The stalwart players from Nuremberg then proceeded to defend their opponents’ attack while literally dodging bullets from both the Bavarian fans and even some of the trainers. Finally Bayern Munich managed to sedate their opponents after hiring ninjas to choke Nuremberg players with rubbing alcohol-soaked rags. The Bavarian criminals, after a lot of hand balls, swearing, and inappropriate innuendos clearly audible to the orphans sitting in the front row (whose tickets were paid for by the golden-hearted Nuremberg players), scored with only ten minutes to spare, as their opponents lay unconscious on the field. The game finished with Nuremberg players giving a speech about the importance of staying in school and steering clear of drug use despite their tough loss. The speech was met with jeers from the Bavarian side, which clearly neither stayed in school nor has averted drug use.

Final score: Nuremberg 1-2 Bayern ‘A$$’ Munich

Ok, so that is not exactly how the game happened.  In fact, the only thing even close to some accuracy here is the final score, which cannot be changed no matter what twisting or manipulating a reporter attempts to present.  When I was offered this position I was thrilled, and began to read blogs, newspapers, random websites, and whatever I could get my hands on to remind myself the best way to objectively report on the sporting events for the week.  Time and time again I found myself disappointed in the lack of objectiveness present in the German media.  I, as a first hand fan of 1. FC Nürnberg was crushed to see my team have to chalk up a loss to the Bayern, but when I sit here at my computer about to type the report, I realize that I still must report it.

This is of course somewhat of a thin line, as boring, dry reporting that completely ignores any opinion and sticks simply to facts would be horrifically boring.  I find it ironic, however, that in Germany, a country of people known to holding a death grip on rules and regulations can have so much subjective reporting going on.  I think personal opinions and ideas are wonderful (why else would I write a blog?), but there’s a time and place for that, it is called the opinions section in the newspaper, the only problem is we reserve that section for yahoos and wack-os who want to get on their soapbox and go off about politics.  Sheesh.

I do have to confess the reporters on bundesliga.de or even some of the commentators that are present on sky sports do a wonderful job of presenting the games with only slight bias and very objective commentary.  In addition, I find it fantastic that each game has only one commentator, unlike in America where I have to listen to one guy tell me what is happening in the game, and then listen to some old-timer homer analyze it and put his personal spin on it.  This duo or sometimes trio is found in almost every single sport in America, even soccer.  What’s worse?  How about when they put the attractive female correspondent on the field to interrupt the coach during the game or as he’s trying to think of changes at halftime?  Perhaps I can relate back to the NHL on NBC and how they have someone “between the glass”, meaning the reporter is basically next to the ice and between both benches.  Honestly, I do not care what his interpretation is of the “mood” of each bench, just tell me what happens in the game.

We have in Germany some of the best and most logical thinkers of all time.  German sports commentary should be no different.  I challenge more of the German media to be more objective, to present me an accurate recap of the match, and to once again capture my faith in its ability to present a both intriguing yet accurate article.  This cry is not to discourage creativity, nor is it implying that a hometown writer may not draw on his passion to rally his city around his beloved club.  Rather it is to make sure that when an article is written, one is able to read it and not be able to tell immediately from where the article comes from.  That type of objective yet interesting material is what truly makes a reporter great, and what keeps someone like me coming back to the same reporter time and time again.

Now, after my soap box rant, I believe it is time to look around the league and report on what has happened over the past couple weeks, and what we have to look forward to in the upcoming couple weeks.

Some objectivity from a few games:

First and foremost, FC Cologne, a team in which I have much love for, finally got its first victory this week against a struggling VfB Stuttgart.  Not even Jens Lehmann could stop the boys from Cologne as the,”Billy Goats” took three points (2 : 0) from the city made famous by Mercedes and Porsche.  Both clubs have been struggling this year, but had FC Cologne dropped this match, things would have begun to look extremely grim for the squad out of the Rhineland.  Zvonimir Soldo, the new trainer at Cologne, has had big shoes to fill after coach Christian Daum left after last season.  Lucky for him, he has had Lukas “der Prinz” Podoloski on his squad to try and bring the first Bundesliga champion back to the top of the table.  Podolski did not score in the victory over Stuttgart, and has tallied only one score this season.  However, with big games coming up against both Bayer Leverkusen and FC Bayern in the next two weeks, Der Prinz is going to need to come up with big scores to help pull his team out of the relegation spot.

“Der Prinz” Podolski holds the hopes of an entire city for a return to greatness, in the same way his uniform holds a picture of a goat fucking a circle.

As for Stuttgart, the absence of Gomez makes the front line of VfB look like a ghost town.  No one seems to be able to come up with any creativity, and the showing, or lack thereof, against Cologne last week is just another sign that this team is a skeleton of its former self.  If this team is going to rebound against an unbeaten Frankfurt team, as well as against an always strong Werder Bremen, both Thomas Hitzlsperger (who did not start in the last game) and Yildiray Bastürk are going to have to get the VfB engine going, and fast.

Secondly we need to examine the battle between the two unbeaten sides, Hamburg Sport Club (HSV) and Eintracht Frankfurt.  After 90 minutes both sides remained unbeaten after a strong battle between the perennial power HSV and the perennially fluctuating Eintracht.   Newly acquired Ze Roberto showed his value and brought the favorites into the lead early in the first half after an error by Frankfurt keeper Oka Nikolov.  The Hamburger continued to carry most of the game, coming very closely to doubling their lead in the first half through Piotr Trochowski, but it was not to be as the home side battled back and hung on for a thrilling 1:1 tie through Marco Russ.

The tie comes after a stinging loss (3 : 0) Hamburg suffered in the mid-week against an average Vienna team in the European League, and the HSV will have very little time to recover as they will be returning to their home crowd only to have the quickly improving FC Bayern opposite them.  The Hamburger will need to fix the leaks, steady the ship, and prepare for an offensive onslaught from the league’s most famous club.  In the following week they will have a bit of a breather against a struggling Hertha Berlin Sport Club (BSC), but as many reporters are saying, it is only a matter of time until Berlin begins to find their game.

Eintracht will find themselves facing off against two squads that normally find themselves at the top of the table with Stuttgart and Shalke 04 on the horizon.  As fore mentioned VfB has been struggling, but do not think that any easy points will be handed out.  Now againt Shalke Eintracht faces new trainer Felix Magath is attempting to continue his success he experienced with Wolfsburg last year, and the boys in blue out of the little town of Gelsenkirchen will be giving Frankfurt all, if not more, than it can handle.  My prediction: look for young gun Ivan Rakitić out of Croatia to make some noise against the team from Hesse.

Third and lastly, we need to take a look at Hertha BSC and the self destruction that is occuring in this club.  After beginning the season with a strong win against Hanover, the Berliner have suffered five straight losses and are in dead last in the table.  This week they suffered a 4:0 home loss against newly promoted SC Freiburg, and instead of looking like a team making improvements, it looks like a ship that is sinking faster and faster.  The score was already 3:0 at the half, and it appeared as if the capital city club simply ran out of gas in the second half, conceeding another goal and simply looking like a derailed train with little hope in sight.

This is a club that last year ended high in the table, having one of its best fall seasons ever and coming up just short in the last few weeks, dropping to fourth place.  The team had the highest of hopes for this season and with the win against Hannover it all seemed set to repeat last years great run.  However, currently it seems Hertha BSC needs more than a couple patch jobs, but possibly a complete makeover if they are to not only work their way up the table, but stay in the first league.  Berlin has HSV and Hoffenheim coming up in the two weeks ahead, both teams are in the top four, and if we do not see change in personal this week without different results, heads will begin to roll in the capital.

Other scores:

Shalke 04 1 : 2 VfL Wolfsburg

Felix Magath came up short against his ex club.  „I’ve created a monster“ is all I can imagine him saying.

Shalke upcoming games:  Dortmond away and Eintracht at home

Wolfsburg upcoming games:  Hannover at home and Bochum away

Hannover  96 1 : 1 BVB Borussia Dortmond

The clubs not only shared a point a piece, but remain directly next to each other on the table in twelth (Hannover) and thirteenth (Dortmond) place.

Hannover upcoming games:  Wolfsburg away and Freiburg at home

Dortmond upcoming games:  Shalke at home and M’gladbach away

VfL Bochum 2 : 3 Mainz 05

The newly promoted Mainzer continue to impress and with another victory are fifth in the table.  Bochum, however, has seen enough and fired its trainer Marcel Koller.

Bochum upcoming games:  Nuremberg away and Wolfsburg at home

Mainz upcoming games:  Bremen away and Hoffenheim at home

Borrusia Mönchengladbach 2 : 4 1899 Hoffenheim

Three late goals from the 86^th minute on gave Hoffenheim their third victory in a row and handed M’gladbach their first home loss of the season.

M’gladbach upcoming games:  Freiburg away and Dortmond at home

Hoffenheim upcoming games:  Berlin at home and Mainz away

Bayer Leverkusen 04 0 : 0 Werder Bremen

The boys from Leverkusen missed a chance to rise to the top of the table as the men in green held strong and took one point from a tough road game.

Leverkusen upcoming games:  Cologne away and Nuremberg at home

Bremen upcoming games:  Mainz at home and Stuttgart away

That is the round up for now.  Other news of note includes of course both FC Bayern and Wolfsburg rolling onto impressive victories in the Champions Leauge, possibly showing a revival of German soccer clubs on the international scene, but this reporter for one is going to wait for a few weeks before he starts to make any claims about the status of German soccer in the Euro spotlight.  Feel free to comment, complain, or write your own article in response.  Do not forget as well to let me know what you want to hear, and I will be glad to research it as best I can and get it on here.  Reporting out of Berlin, Germany, this is Peter Schneider.  Enjoy the next couple weeks of soccer and remember, GO NUREMBERG!!!