The DC Chronicles: Animalistic Love for the Animal
(Thanks to Drew Hall in DC for his latest article. To see more of his work or to get the hell away from this website visit Drew at www.studyofsports.com)
There is an epidemic here in Washington. The epidemic in which I speak of has absolutely nothing to do with the Swine Flu nor does it have anything to do with the contagiousness of lies and hypocrisy amongst our political elite. It doesn’t even have anything to do with government bailouts or traffic gridlock. No, this is much more serious. This epidemic is spreading like wild fire amongst marketing’s most prized demographic. Males in their 20’s and 30’s here in the DC area have become deeply entrenched in a fanatical obsession. We know the cause and recognize the symptoms; however there is no cure and virtually no optimism for a remedy. We just have to accept the alarming rate in which males here are developing full sized man crushes on the person we all want to be. It must be obvious who this person is. He is a native of Arlington VA, a rough and tough yet personable fellow with muscles the size of Dan Snyder’s ego. He’s everything that Washington’s sports teams are not. He is a winner and a champion. He dominates his enemies and can get any woman he wants. He encapsulates who we all want to be. There is only one person who could cause such a stir and such a commotion. The only person who could cause this is none other than the great Batista.
Drew wants to get powerbombed with Batista.
The symptoms of the epidemic man crushes are sporadic and don’t particularly follow a certain pattern. Outlandish behavior and irrational fantasy beliefs are the most common factors. For example a gentleman returned home from his 2 hour commute recently to his residence in a Northern Virginia suburb. Upon his entrance his compliant wife played Batista’s entrance music on his sound system as his kids were forced to carry sparklers and wave them in the air. Neighbors ended up calling the police claiming they heard gun shots. In actuality it was the Obsessed Batista fans wife who had set off firecrackers as the gentleman squatted down performing an air machine gun sweep as his kids cheered and hollered loudly. The man’s wife ended up getting cited for disturbing the peace but she did not regret the action stating, “My husband always dreamed of doing this”, “It was this fantasy he always had. I just wanted to make him happy”. A special shout out goes to the man’s wife. You definitely made your husband happy. You would have made any man happy. Other symptoms include loss of hearing and a lack of external stimulus sensing. It turns out Washingtonians would rather stare at Batista’s sweaty tattoos than become lost in their significant other’s bust line. Possibly adding to the infatuation is Batista’s uncanny resemblance to the Gears of War video game guy.
My advice for the ladies is that you are just going to have to cope with this much like we have to cope with you during your menstrual cycle. Simply just let us be and seduce us on Saturday, preferably after the Virginia Tech game.
The incredible spike in man crushes on Batista can be directly attributed to his return to the ring. Batista has recovered from a biceps injury that had sidelined him for several months. You should have heard the shouts of joy and elation from our residents as the next bombshell was dropped. Batista is moving to Smackdown! The announcement was a huge step of progression in our desire to create the ultimate Sports Utopia. Men are no longer forced to choose between Monday Night Raw and Monday Night Football. Now we can live vicariously through our gridiron warriors on Monday’s without the risk of missing Batista pummel his foes and strut his stuff in designer shades with a hottie on each arm. We can get the best of both worlds. Ode to the WWE for the ingenious move.
And now for the commentary everyone has been waiting for on the best Major League Soccer Team ever in the history of the entire World, none other than the D.C. United. The D.C. United will most likely miss the MLS playoffs for the second consecutive year. Apparently they have become good a losing home games including a loss to Chivas USA by a score of 2-0. In actuality I have no idea why they call themselves Chivas. If I had to guess Chivas sounds like it should be the name of the Peruvian Women’s bodybuilding team. Yet we know by the name that they represent the USA. How is it that the D.C. United are confined to representing a single market while Chivas has the privilege of representing the entire United States of America. This here is the reason why Soccer will never take off in America like it has in other countries.
If soccer hopes to be relevant in the U.S. they need to compete with the real sports like Football, Basketball, Hockey, and to a lesser extent Baseball. We cannot pander to outside influence in naming our teams. Soccer teams need to have an actual menacing mascot and not be named after an event (i.e. Revolution, Earthquakes, and Rapids). Because of this I am currently petitioning the D.C. United to change their name to the Washington Batista’s. Americans are entrenched in reality so we need real teams with real names competing in a real sport….like American Football. We enjoy watching displays of toughness and strength. When we see soccer players grab their knee’s and scream like little girl’s every time they fall down, we understand that such a competition is and can never be up to par with any of the real sports. Most importantly, a real sports team will never have to tell you it’s real. If a team does feel the need to tell you they are in fact real (for example Real Salt Lake and Real Madrid C.F), that automatically eliminates you from being a real sport.
Batista has torn more muscles than DC United have scored goals.
Apparently the D.C. United also competes in different leagues like the CONCACAF Champions League. This year our kicking warriors tied the C.D. L.A. Firpo on two separate occasions. This is another huge gaffe in Americanizing Soccer. We do not have the attention span to analyze more than two initials at a time much less four. Also a Firpo is another one of those “event” mascots. Why anyone would name their team after the act of farting in the bathtub and watching the bubbles rise to the top is beyond me. This just continues to show why American’s are far too superior to the rest of the world to ever accept their sissified versions of athletic display. Finally soccer will never be able to reach the sophistication and high level of intelligence level that Americans have in order to fill our need for complex statistical analysis. It’s understandable that soccer is so popular in most other countries because of the relative simplicity involved in recording statistical information for a match. In the U.S. we have to solve complex math problems in order to come up with a “Quarterback Rating” in the National Football League or the “WHIP” in Major League Baseball. The numbers generated by these complex formulas are integral in making decisions on who to draft in fantasy sports. There is no such thing as fantasy soccer. If there was, every game would end up in a tie. Alas I must give Soccer its props though. It’s a wonderful game to get your little daughters involved in to help them learn sportsmanship and the team dynamic but inevitably it falls into the
category of sports that little girls play.
A DC United player reacts to the 0-0 tie finally being over. Oh Wait,.
Because Washington D.C. is an American Football town I must mention the Redskins and their embarrassing loss to the Detroit Lions, a team that had lost 19 consecutive games before the opportunity to compete against the Redskins arose. It’s hard to say much on the subject because there is a lack of words to describe how far the franchise has fallen from grace, once considered the team of the 1980’s now becoming the team that that everyone wants to play who has yet to get their first victory. In fact in their latest version of inadequacy the winless Carolina Panthers did everything they could to help the Redskins beat them but Washington was unable to maintain a 17-2 third quarter giving Carolina their first win of the season. The good news is that this is just the latest embarrassment for the Redskins. I think by now most of us are quite used to it. Watching our premier cornerback DeAngelo Hall get run over by the Panthers slow dopey quarterback Jake Delhomme to seal Carolina’s victory was probably all that we needed to completely numb any ounce of hope left for this season. DeAngelo is now looking forward to his next career as a defenseman for C.D. L.A. Firpo.
Following their loss to winless Carolina was another loss to another winless team known as the Kansas City Chefs. Braving the elements and far beyond pretty much anyone’s better judgment I witnessed the humiliation up close and personal. You can see me quite clearly here in an Associated Press Photo taken at the game.
Despite the performance of the teams on the field, being in the first row definitely has its perks
And for a taste of things to come, here is a shot of Redskins owner Dan Snyder conversing with newly hired “Offensive Consultant” Sherman Lewis on the left and Head Coach Jim Zorn by himself on the right. Zorn would be stripped of his play calling duties after the 14-6 loss.
Dan Snyder enjoys himself at a Redskins game.
Perhaps now is the time for the Redskins to try and start new and fresh. We know all the controversy over the nickname for Washington and its racial undertones. What the team needs is a logo that fans can identify with, something that is much more reflective of the franchise than the current one. Fortunately for everyone, I have a several sources entrenched in Dan Snyder’s labyrinth of business acumen. I have learned that there are in fact prototype designs in development to replace the logo. I am able to bring it to you now because of the brave souls that have died to bring you this information. This preliminary sketch is just the beginning. Apparently the Redskins loved wearing pink shoes and gloves so much during breast cancer awareness week that they now have adopted the color to replace burgundy thus changing their team arrangement to pink, yellow and white. This spectrum of fluorescent appeal was considered to be best representative of the team as they try to attract a female audience to replace man fans who have been taking an exodus to Baltimore.
The New Redskins Logo.
lordelevation
globalcorrespondent
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