The Outsiders' Edge

Long old column this time round. Sorry about that. I also need to say sorry for the ridiculous amount of time since the last London Chronicles turfed up here. You see, I try to get them out every other week except in the last 6 weeks I have given up sleeping, leaving the house, smiling and bathroom breaks due to a ridiculously busy spell working. Without a word of a lie, I thought that it had been 2 weeks since I last updated ya’ll about what was going down in the hood, yo. Instead, it has been a month. I’m sorry, I’ll do better and if I see you at the bar I’ll get you a drink. Anyway, that is enough humility for one evening. Shall we progress? We have an awful lot to get through today…

It is well known that the English apologize through the medium of sorrycats.

The Table Don’t Lie

I’ve long said that, based on my vast experience playing Football Manager (my current game is in 2034 with over 26 day’s playing time logged…), the last 10 games of the season are when you decide your fate. The first 10 are a gauge of where you are, the next 18 are just trying to stay afloat and then with 10 to go you see who you are fighting with. With that in mind, lets have a good look at all the battles.

The race for the title comes down to Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal. Currently, Chelsea are out on top with 61 points, one more than United and three more than Arsenal. Right now who wins is anyone’s guess. Chelsea may be in the lead but are struggling, United may be hot on their heels but are completely riding the genius that is Wayne Rooney and Arsenal have been struggling but are about to come into an easy spell of games. Honestly, although I backed Chelsea a few months back, this has now gotten too close to call. This will come down to the last 3 games, with all 3 teams still in it.

The battle for forth place and the final Champions League spot, too, is still up for grabs. Currently Spurs and Manchester City are tied with 49 points, although City have a game in hand. One point behind them is Liverpool and four points behind are Aston Villa. I have to admit, Liverpool have done an epic job of getting back into the battle but I think that the climb may have taken too much out of them. Sadly, Villa too look like they may slip away once again after doing the same thing last season – getting close then not being able to win at the business end of the season. End of the day, this should come down to Spurs, Liverpool and Man City and, much like the title race, it will be a last 3 game decision.

In the relegation zone, Portsmouth are so far gone they have asked for their ‘balloon’ payments to be given out early. For the other two drop-spots, though, there are 7 teams within 4 points of each other. A couple of wins here or there, a few injuries and unlucky losses, and any of them could find themselves back in the Championship. Once more, in one of the closest Prem seasons ever, we won’t know who is going down until the magical 3 games to go marker either.

The battles may be established with 10 or 11 games to go, but the winners and losers are far from decided here.

Chelsea Players Can’t Keep It In Their Pants

Chelsea has traditionally been one of those clubs a bit like the Dallas Cowboys teams of the early 1990′s – yeah, they get up to an awful lot of mischief but very much behind closed doors. They only do it to let off a bit of the steam that being a dominant force creates. Well, recently their dominance has dropped off a bit and their mischief has turned into full blown scandal.

In the last few weeks, there have been two Chelsea players caught playing away from home – John Terry and Ashley Cole. Both of them, though, under different circumstances.

Let’s start with Ashley Cole, who I should point out I cannot stand. I can’t stand the fact that he said things to a ref, things that I don’t think even the free-loving Senior Elevation would let me repeat, during a game which was on a gameday used to promote fair play. Also, I cannot stand the fact that he said in all seriousness that he felt ‘physically sick’ when he found out Arsenal were only going to offer him £60,000 ($110,000) a week base salary. Then, he couldn’t understand why the entire British public, who based on the average wage would take about two and a half years to earn what he turned his nose at for a weekly pay packet, turned against him.

Anyway, he also has this to come home to. The lovely Mrs. Cheryl Cole.

I can't believe I've taken this long to post a picture of Cheryl Cole.

Yeah, I know. Personally, I’d never leave the house if I was married to her. But, still he was caught sleeping around. The thing is, Chelsea don’t particularly care that Cole was sleeping around. What they care about is that he was doing it on team time, getting aides to sneak girls into his hotel rooms before away matches. Apparently, that crime has cost him between £200,000 ($350,000)to £400,000 ($700,000) in fines (depending on who you trust) and may even get him sold to Barcelona or Real Madrid in the summer. Thing is, with Ashley Cole, that is just one guy being a complete and utter blithering idiot.

What John Terry did, though, was much much worse. I’m not usually one to be serious in any way, shape or form but frankly I don’t really want to make fun of JT’s fall from grace. Basically, the story goes like this:

First things first, John Terry is married with two kids. Keep that in mind as you read on. One day, all of the papers get into a tizzy because it turns out that Terry had tried to gag a story that was going to be published by The Sun. Everyone then wants to know what it was, and it turns out that what he tried to keep secret was that he was having an affair. Not a one night stand or sending some flirty texts, but an actual pre-meditated affair. Then it came out that the affair was with a French underwear model – Vanessa Perroncel. An affair that lead to her falling pregnant, and Terry paying for an abortion and giving her some hush money. Oh yeah, did I mention that Perroncel is actually the ex-girlfriend of Terry’s former best friend and Chelsea team mate Wayne Bridge? Oh yeah, did I mention that she is also the mother of Wayne Bridge’s child?

As soon as that stuff hit the fan, Terry was stripped of the England captaincy by Fabio Capello (which was duly handed over to Rio Ferdinand) and all sorts of rumours started to spring out of the woodwork, many of which are just scuttlebutt and I won’t repeat here. A quick Google, though, of what Terry has been up to should open your eyes a bit more.

To begin with, Terry seemed to be doing an excellent job of compartmentalising his life. His play, which had been drab all season, actually picked up a bit and he seemed motivated to just throw himself at football. That lasted for about two games. Since then, he has single handedly cost Chelsea about three games (that I can think of off the top of my head) and been a complete and utter liability. John Terry is in meltdown. Although publicly his wife forgave him after about a week, I’m sure all too many of us know that you cannot forgive that kind of stuff that quick.

Right now, John Terry needs to get his act together fast, and for two reasons. The first is that Chelsea are looking vulnerable as ever, have a few injuries around the team and have a few players suspended after their nightmare 4-2 home loss to Manchester City. The second is his England future may hang in the balance.

Fabio Capello has in no uncertain terms made sure that everyone knows that they are playing on his team based on form alone, not intangibles such as how much they earn and how many endorsements they have. John Terry may be a great leader, that is something I will never take away from him, but right now he is one of the worst central defenders in England. With the likes of (off the top of my head) Ryan Shawcross, Jonathan Woodgate, Garry Cahil, Matt Upson (despite a wobbly start against Egypt last night), Joleen Lescott and Phil Jagielka all gunning for World Cup places, along with wiley vetrans such as Wed Brown and Senior Elevation’s favourite Sol Campbell, Terry needs to show over the last 16 games or so of his season that he is still a quality centre back.

Another ‘upside’ to not taking Terry is that it means England could take Wayne Bridge. Bridge pulled out of the England squad for the friendly against Egypt because, basically, he could not stand the thought of being on a team with John Terry. Ashley Cole is currently England’s stand out number one left back, but he has a broken ankle and is in the fight of his professional life to get fit in time to go to South Africa. One setback and he is not making the plane. Wayne Bridge, who also hilariously snubbed John Terry’s handshake when his Man City side beat Chelsea 4-2 the other day, would then become more valuable than John Terry based on the two players’ current form.

No matter what way you look at it, John Terry has fucked up something fierce. The next 12 weeks or so will be the biggest in his life.

Portsmouth FC, We Hardly Knew Thee

Where to begin… Portsmouth look like they have fought off a winding up order, that would have seen them be put completely out of business (i.e. no relegation or anything, just disappear off of the map) but are still going to go into Administration. For any of you who don’t know, allow me to elaborate what that means.

Administration is when a business is so riddled with debt and unable to turn a profit, it can either voluntarily or by order of the courts be put under the control of a special kind of accountant – an Administrator. Their sole job is, in this instance, not to think about on the field success or the club’s needs or jobs or anything like that, they have to strip away assets, slice the wage bill and do anything in their power to pay off debts and get the business back to a somewhat normal state. I’ve actually worked for no less than three companies who have gone into administration and let me tell you something, it sucks.

Without a word of a lie, this was the conversation I had with an Administrator when I was last laid off from an office based role -

“So, how would you justify your role here?”
“Well, the last marketing campaign I ran only had a budget of £7,500 but I managed to bring in a total of £115,000 worth of investment, saving saving £11,500 worth of commission being paid out as the leads were generated in house. Oh, and did I mention that I did all of that with just a £7.5k budget?”
“You’re fired.”

Okay, they didn’t get all Donald Trump on me right then and there, but still the point remains the same.

Anyway, Portsmouth are in Administration as this special accountant person tries to strip away at the wage bill and assets and stuff in order to make Portsmouth FC once again a viable business. Except, seeing as this is Portsmouth, they can’t even do that right. The UK Government has ordered the Administrator to stop what he is doing as apparently he is just a friend of the current owner (I’ve lost track of who the fuck owns that club right now) and is only there to help him get his money back. An Administrator has to be impartial, you see. So you can’t just appoint your mate to go in and sort it out.

Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Portsmouth are a rotten club up top. Their players play with so much heart and passion it makes the whole thing actually kind of tragic, but it really does show that no matter how much those on the pitch are willing to lay on the line in order to help a cause, those who sit in the boardroom eating prawn sandwiches are willing to cock it all up again.

Aaron Ramsey, Ryan Shawcross and the Tackle Of Doom

Take a look at this video (Warning: It is not pretty)

Eurgh. Yucky, right? That video is of Stoke FC defender Ryan Shawcross breaking the leg of Arsenal’s attacking midfielder Aaron Ramsey. It does not make for pleasant viewing. Still, and I know this will probably come as a shock to you, I have an opinion on it.

After it happened, Arsene Wenger went on and on about how his Arsenal players are targeted for rough treatment because they are perceived as a physically weak team. He said that the fact that three of his players – Diaby, Edu and now Ramsey – had had their legs broken in sickening fashion over the last 3 years was proof.

Sorry, Mr Wenger, that isn’t what happened up there with Shawcross and Ramsey. What happened between those two is an absolute tragedy.

Ryan Shawcross is just 22 years old. Ramsey is only 19. Both of them are at the very beginning of their careers and both of them, hopefully, have another 10 – 15 years left playing good football. I’m a big fan of Ryan Shawcross (he is the linchpin of my Fantasy Football defence) and, just as Stoke manager Tony Pulis repeatedly said, that kid does not have a bad bone in his body. You want to see a tackle where someone went out to deliberately injure someone, go see what Roy Keane did to Alf-Ingre Haaland. Keane ended Haaland’s career on the spot, and then said later in his autobiography that is exactly 100% what he wanted and intended to do. All Ryan Shawcross did was get just upfield enough with the ball to be in slightly unfamiliar territory and, when he saw an Arsenal player go for it after it had gotten just out of his reach, try and kick it. The shame was that that player was the lightening fast Ramsey, who had been able to move the ball on and so instead just got a kick in the shin for his troubles – a kick hard enough to shatter his leg.

When Shawcross saw what he had done, he was in tears. That is not the way that a man reacts after he has set out to deliberately hurt another man. It is an absolute tragedy for Shawcross, as that moment will haunt him for the rest of his life, and it is an even bigger tragedy for Ramsey as his career will now hang in the balance. Sometimes players bounce back from broken legs. Sometimes they don’t. Either way, two young careers were irrevocably changed that day. That is all that really matters in the end.

Manchester United Clearly Fellated Their Bank Manager

I wonder if that section title will make it past Senior Elevation’s Red Pen Of Editing Doom? Oh well, let’s hope…

search Google for "happy bank manager"

Just weeks after announcing that they owed the banks over £700m, Manchester United have announced that they now only owe just over £500m. Don’t get me wrong, that is still an absolutely ridiculous amount of debt, one which is still skirting close to the $1bn mark and one that is enough to buy an NFL franchise\build a new stadium\pay for a night of passion with Olivia Wilde\etc. but it is at least smaller.

Despite the reduction in debt, though, Manchester United fans are still hell bent on removing the Glazer family from office. There are currently two movements with their aims set on achieving this.

The first is a fan movement. Whenever you watch United on the telly, you will see a number of fans shunning the traditional red colours of the club and instead sporting Green and Gold scarves. The Green and Gold, you see, were the colours of Nuneaton Heath, the team who morphed into Mancester United about 100 years ago after (this should sound familiar) running up debts and needing to be rescued. Although this movement will only really serve a purpose as a very prominent show of discontent amongst the United faithful, it will at least keep the topic hot.

The second movement is where United fans hope change will actually come from. A group of prominent Manchester based businessmen (much like those who transformed Nuneaton Heath into Manchester United all those generations ago) who call themselves ‘The Red Knights’ are looking to buy the club. Now, the Glazer family have said that they just plain and simple won’t sell but the cool thing here is that if The Red Knights table an offer, the Glazer’s are legally bound to sit down and listen to it. Amongst the numbers of The Red Knights are the likes of Goldman Sachs accountants and millionaires, so these guys mean business. This will be a story that could be interesting to play out.

Quickies

Now, time for a few quick stories that don’t deserve their own headings, but still who I think should be covered.

Firstly, in case any of you did not see the Manchester United vs AC Milan match in the Champions League a few weeks ago – watch it. It is a perfect summation of everything that is right with European football as two styles collided in spectacular fashion.

It looks like Liverpool could be saved from themselves by an unlikely source – Juventus. Apparently, Rafa Benitez is wanted mainly by Juventus, but also a few other prominent continental clubs, to take over as manager. This would be fantastic for Liverpool as quite often Rafa is the main problem with that team – his style of football tactics and coaching are perfect for the European game. However, as anyone will tell you, The Premiership is a different kettle of fish entirely. Rafa has been in charge for long enough to prove that he will not win The Premiership and the contract he is tied down with means the club can’t afford to fire him. Having another team poach him away is an ideal solution.

Finally, for the first time in about 712 years the Football Association saw some sense and quickly shot down proposals to use a Playoff system to decide the 4th spot for the Champions League. Good for them. The point of The Premiership is that it is a league – there is no need for a knockout post-season as every club in England already gets at least 2 knock out tournaments a year to enter. As soon as you start throwing a knockout tournament for the 4th Champions League spot, you might as well start doing it for the 3rd Relegation spot as well. It could have been the start of a very slippery slope and all just to get some extra TV revenue. Happily, though, for once the FA’s integrity could not be bought.

England Squad For South Africa

I’m going to start sliding these in here from now until the World Cup, mainly just for me. You’re more than welcome to read them, though. I’m going to start laying out who should be on the pitch for England’s opening World Cup game on the 12th of June against the good old US of A. It’ll be fun, I promise.

Joe Hart – Hart is definitely the best English goalkeeper around at the moment, except he has zero meaningful international experience. Capello will be faced with a tough choice here – go with James or Green and have an experienced, albeit beatable, option or go with Hart who has no experience but has been a brick wall for Birmingham this season.

Wayne Bridge – Bridge is picked here by default. I really think that with everything going on in Ashley Cole’s private life, namely the fact his marriage is as good as dead, his rehabilitation from injury will seriously suffer. That could well mean that Bridge is the automatic replacement.

John Terry – Terry will find his form and him and Bridge will sort things out like men do. They will sit on opposite ends of a table with a bottle of scotch each and not leave until they have at least come to a workable arrangement.

Rio Ferdinand – Is the England captain. So, yeah… d’urh!

Glen Johnson – The only serviceable right back England have.

Aaron Lennon – Capello is in love with Lennon’s speed, and is willing to look past his questionable final product. He’ll start up the right, although share time with Sir David of Beckham deep in games.

Frank Lampard – Like it or lump it, Fat Frank is deeply entrenched in England’s centre. He ‘aint going nowhere.

Gareth Barry – For some reason known only to Fabio Capello, Gareth Barry is worthy of a spot in the middle of England’s team despite the fact he can’t pass, can’t shoot and can’t tackle. He is, in all fairness, very good at annoying people from Birmingham though.

Steven Gerrard – Barry in the middle means Gerrard will be plonked out on the left of midfield again. Left midfield is the one position that England has always struggled to produce at, as shown by every England manager in the last 10 year’s decision to just stick Gerrard out there, probably wasting the international career of a very talented attacking midfielder.

Peter Crouch – I don’t care what his club stats say, how much game time he gets at Spurs or if Defoe is actually outscoring him. Play this man for England. He scored 2 goals against Egypt on Wednesday night and is the leading single-season goalscorer for England. He gets goals at the International level so for the love of god play him. There is one slight downside, though, and that is that some referees in major International tournaments give free kicks against him whenever he tries to head the ball as he is so fucking tall his elbows automatically go in other people’s faces.

Wayne Rooney – Assuming that he doesn’t break his foot (it is a well known fact to all those who know it well that the most important player for England before a World Cup breaks their foot), he will not only be the star of England but also the entire tournament. Written off as either someone who had hit a glass ceiling or, even worse, been a disappointment, just last year, Rooney has thrived since Cristiano Ronaldo left United for Spain. He, along with Evra and Giggs, is the heart and soul of Manchester United and will now have to carry England on his young shoulders as well.

Well, that is all from me. I promise I won’t leave it so long next time. Blame the evil bastards who expect me to actually do work on time. I do.

~ by globalcorrespondent on March 17, 2010.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: Cheryl Cole, England 2010 World Cup roster, EPL, Fabio Capello, Pompey, Shawcross-Ramsey