Peter King: A great man

(Enjoy the Tuesday Evening Fullback folks, its my weekly little tribute to Peter King. Click here for the real thing.)

Well folks we’ve been swept up by another week of NFL action. As the preeminent football journalist in the entire world, I felt like it was my duty to offer a weekly rundown of all things Romo, Moeaki, McCluster.

Personal Connections/ Thoughts on Week III

There were alot of happy players, coaches, and owners following Week 3 of the NFL season. I thought I would share a few snippets I heard from a diverse collection of personnel around the league. You see, I am the preeminent NFL columnist in the entire world so its my constitutional duty to pretend like I am a close friend and confidant of every single person associated with the NFL in order to impress all you peons and fill my insatiable ego.

An ebullient Jerry Jones admitted to me on Skype that “Quite candidly, I had already picked out a whole in the desert to bury Wade (Phillips) if we had lost again.” Jerry Jones runs a class organization.

An exuberant Pete Carroll texted me after his Seattle Seahawks impressive 27-20 victory over the Chargers to tell me that this was really the wrong number and the person I was contacting was really a guy named Mike Krayzelburg from Battle Creek Michigan who was going to pursue legal action if I kept texting and calling him. You could feel the camaraderie emanating off Pete on the phone.

Speaking of Pete Carroll, I spilled a scalding hot cup of Seattle’s finest on my privates the other day.

Pete Carroll responds to a media question about USC.

Andy Reid called me from his traditional post game trip to the bathroom to let me know that he is extremely pleased by the way Mike Vick played  against the beleaguered Jacksonville Jaguars and that he plans on never eating taco’s followed by his wife’s brownies at the post game spread ever again.

My close personal friend Peyton Manning left me a voicemail to let me know that if I cheated on him by calling Brett Favre again this week he and Eli were going to hogtie me and leave me in front of an oncoming train.

I think the Pittsburgh Steelers are a team worth watching. If Charlie Batch keeps up his great play, he will likely be allowed to stick around as Pittsburgh’s 3rd Quarterback after Ben and Dixon get back.

Braylon Edwards sent me an e-mail during his traditional postgame DUI to let me know that he was impressed with Mark Sanchez’s poise and confidence following the Jets impressive Sunday Night Football victory. You gotta love the confidence Rex Ryan has established in these boys.

Later in the night Mike Krayzelburg interrupted my dinner with Tony Dungy to let me know that he had called the authorities and that a protection order had been filed against me. I tell you, Leon Washington is a player to watch.

Todd Haley is doing such a great job as coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, that I just want to pick him up like a dog and start petting him. When I texted this to Todd, he quickly texted back saying, “Peter, thats a little creepy.”

Speaking of Kansas City, offensive coordinator Charlie Weis took timeout of counting all the piles of money he stole from Notre Dame to let me know that Sunday was a great day for him. He told me in a fax “I was very pleased by the progress Matt Cassell has shown this season. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that Jimmy Clausen took the loss and went 16 for 33 with 188 yards and an INT. He is doing even better in Carolina than he did at Notre Dame.”

I asked Charlie if he watched the Stanford-Notre Dame game on Saturday and he responded with this

Boy I tell you, I can’t get enough NFL action. You know what else I can’t get enough of? Coffee. I drink so much of Colombia’s fineset that the DEA has actually found traces of cocaine in my system. Maybe that will help me when I run the New Hampshire half marathon this Saturday. Send your donations to http://runpeterkingrun.com/ The Kenyans have no idea whats going to hit them. No, I literally plan on hitting them with baseball bats.

Awards-

Offensive Player of the Week:

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings- Look I know Adrian Peterson ran for 160 yards and 2 TDs. I also know that Brett Favre through 2 interceptions. However, Brett Favre showed moxie in the Vikings season saving 24-10 victory over the Lions. I like moxie. You know what else I like, going into the Vikings  locker-room and pretending to interview other players just so I can see Brett Favre put on his Wrangler jeans. God he looks great in them.

"Nice Wranglers, Brett."

Defensive Player of the Week:

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings- Look I know Brett Favre plays QB and didn’t have any tackles in this game, but he showed tremendous poise and moxie chasing after Corey Williams and Alphonso Smith following their interceptions of his passes. Were you watching this Jimmy Clausen?

Brett Favre is a handsome man. Jimmy Clausen looks like an emu.

Coach of the Week:

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans- Congratulations to Jeff Fisher and the Tennessee Titans for knocking off the struggling New York Giants. I have to give the Coach of the Week award to Jeff for actually leaving Vince Young in an entire game. I know the temptation was there for a little bit to pull him like Fisher always does, but he stuck to the game plan and it got him the win.

Fantasy Tip for Week IV

Look, I know I’m an old school guy and not too into the fantasy stuff, but I have a tremendous tip for week 4. I have been cultivating my sources and checking the newswire and have come up with this. Do not start Brett Favre in Week 4 on your fantasy team. The Vikings have a bye week. I took me hours to get that information and I hope you do the right thing with it.

Hopefully you followed my advice for week 3 and did not start Todd Bouman the backup quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. He had 0 passes for 0 yards.

What can you say? Move over Mr. Roto, make the Tuesday Evening Fullback your source for fantasy information.

The Select Six-

#1 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0): Forget about Ben Roethlisberger looking over his shoulder, 4 time  Super Bowl winner Terry Bradshaw better be looking over the shoulder at his place in history if Charlie Batch keeps playing like this.

#2 Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): What can you say about the Kansas Chiefs that hasn’t already been said about the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls that won 72 games? I hear Chiefs rookie star Dexter McCluster used to wear Jordan sneakers as a child? Coincidence?

#3 Chicago Bears (3-0): They beat the Green Bay Packers in a great game on Monday night. Jay Cutler played with a winning mentality that hasn’t been seen since his high school days, due to the fact his teams largely sucked at Vanderbilt and Denver.

#4 New Orleans Saints (2-1): The Saints were a 29 yard missed field goal in overitme away from going 3-0. The only way Garrett Hartley keeps his job is if Matt Stover steps on a bear trap.

#5 Indianapolis Colts (2-1): Peyton Manning is a special professional football player. He is a great man, in fact he is so great I decided to write a song about our relationship.

#6 Omaha Nighthawks (1-0): I don’t care that the Omaha Nighthawks play in the UFL. Between Jeff Garcia, Maurice Clarett, Ahman Green, Cato June and coach Jeff Jagodzkinski, these guys would win at least 14 games in the NFL.

The least famous Stallone movie of all time.

Things I think I liked and didn’t like:

I think I liked the following this week:

1- Coffee

2- Mike Vick against the Jags. He appears to have developed a great feel for the passing game behind bars. Bengals coach Marvin Lewis should plant a bag of heroin in Carson Palmer’s car, so he can also re-learn how to throw the ball.

3- Ryan Fitzpatrick against the Patriots. Although the Bills lost 38-30 to Tom Brady and the Patriots, acclaim must be given to new starter Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Bills were so bad with Trent Edwards as QB, Canadian border officials were going to have the team declared a banned substance so they wouldn’t be allowed into the country.

The Mounties ride to head the Bills off at the pass.

4- Mike Martz with the Bears. Martz and Cutler seem like the perfect couple. With Cutler, it appears that Martz has finally found the quarterback he was missing when he failed repeatedly with the Rams, Lions, and 49ers.

5- The Philadelphia Phillies clinched their 4th NL East title in a row. It appears that Brad Lidge has found his 2008 form, and the pitching and hitting are rolling on all cylinders. Its odd to me that Charlie Manuel has a better grasp of the 2 minute drill than Andy Reid, and he doesn’t even coach football.

I think I didn’t like these things:

1- 18 penalties for 152 yards for the Packers against the Bears. Apparently the Packers missed seeing the yellow color of cheeseheads so they repeatedly kept committing penalties in order to have yellow flags all over the field.

2- Giant Gonzales’ death. I am saddened by the death of the Argentine big man. The world has gotten a little smaller. I’ve decided to include this obituary by AOL Fan House in the report this week:

“Local Argentinian media is reporting that Jorge Gonzalez, who competed in World Championship Wrestling as “El Gigante” before heading to the World Wrestling Federation as Giant Gonzalez, has died from diabetes complications and other issues due to his 7-foot-7 height. He was 44.

Gonzalez was brought into WCW by Turner Broadcasting through a contract shift. Originally drafted into the NBA by the Atlanta Hawks, Turner introduced the wrestling world to El Gigante (“The Giant”) at WCW’s Capital Combat 1990 pay-per-view, debuting as a surprise during a Ric Flair vs. Lex Luger steel cage match. Gigante made an impression on fans with his incredible height, but was considered “extremely limited” in the ring.

Gigante worked from 1990 through 1993 for WCW, and was signed by WWF in early 1993. Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble that year in an airbrushed, furry bodysuit that made him appear to be naked. He began a feud with The Undertaker that culminated in a match at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas. Gonzalez was managed by Harvey Wippleman during the run, which ended after a SummerSlam loss to Taker in a “Rest in Peace” match. He left the company soon afterward.

Gonzalez made appearances with both New and All Japan Pro Wrestling and appeared in an episode of “Baywatch,” playing a sad, bullied giant. Last year, he was scheduled to return to the U.S. for a convention appearance, but his health was deteriorating and the appearance was canceled. http://www.fanhouse.com/2010/09/25/giant-gonzalez-dead/?synd=1“

Shame on Commissioner Goodell on not making every single team observe a moment of silence before each game this week.

Farewell Giant, the candle burned out long before the legend ever did

3- Frank Mir’s victory over Mirko Cro Cop at UFC 119. Its called fighting gentlemen, not slow dancing. Cro Cop is finished. His kicks are now more useless than Garrett Hartley’s.

4- Eric Mangini’s coaching tenure for the Cleveland Browns. Despite a great performance from Peyton Hillis, Mangini’s team dropped to 0-3 with no relief in sight. If you can’t get a win with Jake Delhomme on the bench, you sure as hell aren’t getting one with him in the game.

5-Gus Johnson’s constant screaming. Gus relax. You should have stopped screaming after this horrible moment in your announcing career.

~ by lordelevation on September 28, 2010.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: Derek McCluster, Frank Mir, Giant Gonzalez, Gus Johnson, Mike Vick, Mike Vick Eagles, Monday Morning Quarterback, Pete Carroll, Peter King, Peyton manning