(Elevation Note- Welcome back to Week II of the Tuesday Evening Fullback, my little tribute to the great Peter King. As always, you can read the real thing here. Also check out The Wounded Warriors Project which provides aid to our injured servicemen and women.)

Welcome back folks. Week IV of the NFL is in the books and there are a million storylines to cover. I intend to write about 567,890 of them in this article alone, so hang on to your butts.

A great man.

Personal Connections/ Thoughts on Week IV

As I like to remind you each and every week, I am a close friend to many NFL players. In fact just this week I rode in the back of Brett Favre’s pickup truck while texting Peyton Manning with one phone and calling Peyton Hillis with the other. Am I popular or what?

Mike Singletary was a busy man on Sunday night. He was able to multitask by skyping with me, at the exact same time he was preparing a resume to post on www.Monster.com. The 49ers have fallen to 0-4 and are the worst team in the worst division in football. Mike told me “Man, I’m so frustrated with this situation. 2 years ago I pulled down my pants at halftime. Today, I tried assless chaps. Damn it, I don’t know what to do.”

LaDanian Tomlinson took time out of mixing a unicorn blood protein shake to send me a text that said “I feel great this season. Hopefully we can keep playing this well and make a Super Bowl.” Tomlinson has led the Jets to 3 straight wins and rushed for 133 yards and 2 TDs on Sunday against the hapless Bills.

You're damn right I made a Professor Quirrell and Lord Voldemort reference in a football column.

Donovan McNabb revealed a few interesting things during our post game phone call on Sunday following the Redskins 17-12 win in Philadelphia. It was a dramatic homecoming for McNabb who was greeted warmly upon his return to the city of Brotherly Love. He told me “It didn’t feel like a homecoming until the Eagles had to take a delay of game penalty following a 10 minute booth review that was followed by a Philly timeout. Its great to see that Andy hasn’t changed a thing.”

A very downtrodden Larry Fitzgerald sent me a sad text message following the Cards 41-10 thrashing at the hands of Phil Rivers and the San Diego Chargers. He told me “Derek Anderson is so goddamn bad, I’m one more interception away from running over him in the parking lot and speeding away. Don’t tell anybody I told you this.”

Hell, I was expecting Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates to start beating up Beanie Wells, only to have Derek Anderson rushing onto the scene and pretend to make the save on Wells, only to join in on the beat down. Cardinals broadcaster would have then expressed his moral outrage that Derek Anderson was the third man, only to be followed by an impromptu interview with Cards sideline guy Paul Calvisi where the fans started pelting Anderson with trash as he tried to explain his actions.

Hulk, Scott, and Kevin should call Derek Anderson next time they get the band back together.

After leading his team to a come behind late game 17-14 victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens QB Joe Flacco let me know on Monday that he was excited following the victory. He told me “Peter, I’m excited following the victory.”

I tried texting Jay Cutler after his Bears were dominated 17-3 in the swamps of Jersey by Osi Umenyiora and the Giants. Jay had to come out of the game following 9 first half sacks by the G-Men. He told me “I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.” I like his moxie.

Sam Bradford deserves all the credit in the world for leading the Rams to a 2-2 record. The Oklahoma rookie had a great weekend as he led the Rams to 20-3 win over the Seahawks and saw his Oklahoma Sooners defeat Texas in the 2010 edition of the Red River Rivalry. I tried faxing him, sending him a DM on Twitter and a personal message on Facebook. I go tno response. YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF BRADFORD. DISRESPECT ME AND I WILL BURY YOU!

I tried calling Jay Cutler back after our first disappointing communication. He did not answer his phone. A little while later he left this voice mail for me.

Awards

Offensive Player of the Week:

Donovan McNabb, Washington Redskins. I don’t care that he only had 8 completions on Sunday. He got the win in a tough Philadelphia environment. He had gumption. My fantasy league scores for gumption, does yours?

Who cares about stats when you have gumption?

Defensive Player of the Week:

Patrick Chung, New England Patriots.

Chung had one of the best individual games of 2010. He had a blocked punt, blocked field goal, and an interception return for a touchdown. Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano is going to start having John Rambo like flashbacks the next time he walks by a Panda Express.

Coach of the Week:

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Jaguars were horrific in Week 3 against the Eagles. However, in week 4 they were able to pull an offensive explosion out of nowhere and defeat the Colts as time expired thanks to Josh Scobee’s 59 yard field goal. I was going to make Josh McDaniels coach of the week, but Del Rio threatened to impale me with the same locker room motivational axe that former Jags punter Chris Hansen used to put gash in his own leg.

Fantasy tip for Week V

Folks, I hope you listened to my tip for week 4 and benched Brett Favre. As usual my fantasy advice comes from consultations with an army of experts and insiders. For week 5 I suggest that you bench Detroit Lions left tackle Jeff Backus. Bakcus has given me zeros every single week this season. I’m going to take him out of my lineup and I suggest you do the same.

The select six

#1 New York Jets (3-1): This is a team on a roll. The debut of Santonio Holmes will give this dangerous team even more weapons. Hopefully Santonio can abuse defenses the same way he abuses substances.

#2 New Orleans Saints (3-1): This team was able to scrape by and get a win on Sunday against Carolina despite missing Darren Sharper, Lucky Pierre Thomas, and Reggie Bush. Hopefully Thomas returns soon because backup Running Back Chris Ivory-Wayans just isn’t bringing it.

The Wayans Brothers are voting for their storyline brother Chris Ivory.

#3 Baltimore Ravens (3-1): All their gears aren’t in motion yet, but Ray Lewis has led the Ravens to a strong 3-1 start. They are still weak at kicker. Maybe they should follow the Saints example and cut Billy Cundiff and bring in veteran favorite Matt Stover. They can then cut 42-year-old Matt Stover. After they cut Stover they can bring in 50-year-old Morten Anderson. After they cut Anderson they can bring in 51 year old Gary Anderson.

#4 Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): KC Chiefs are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. KC won’t stay that way. Mercury Morris is devastated that he won’t be able to rap on national television anymore.

#5 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1): Steelers coach Mike Tomlin told me that he is excited for the offensive boost Ben Roethlisberger will bring to the team. He said “Man, we are going to penetrate the end zone so many times with Ben.”

#6 Omaha Nighthawks (2-0): This win streak is getting crazy. I think Geno Auriemma must be coaching them.

Things I think I liked and didn’t like.

I think I liked……..

1- The Philadelphia Phillies World Series chances. Their rotation is loaded. Eagles coach Andy Reid told me that he gets alot of ideas about time management from watching Charlie Manuel. That may explain a few things.

2- Terrell Owens with 222 receiving yards against the Browns. You know its a good day when Owens gets more yards than total viewers in the history of the TO show on VH1.

3- Randy Moss to the Vikings. It will be nice to see Randy Moss return to the Minnesota Vikings. Hopefully Dante Culpepper and Gus Frerotte don’t join him.

4- John Cena joining the Nexus on Raw. I’m a football columnist, but I was glued to USA on Monday Night even though the Dolphins-Patriots game was on. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling people that.

5- Bon Jovi’s chances for making the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You ever seen me in leather pants?

You're with me, leather.

I think I didn’t like……

1- Jimmy Johnson getting voted off of Survivor. I’m going to miss seeing Jimmy without his shirt on every week. His bare chest has more charisma than the entire cast of the CBS NFL halftime show.

Jimmy, go put some clothes on.

2-Derek Anderson’s performance against the Chargers. Forget the Kurt Warner glory days, Anderson had Cards fans pining for the return of the Shaun King days.

3- The Undertaker-Kane feud. These two guys have been feuding since 1997. That is so long ago Brett Favre was the MVP. How crazy is that?

4- NFL pregame shows. These shows are about as funny as the Saw movies, but the talking heads all laugh like they are at an Artie Lange standup gig. Speaking of Artie, this was one of his best moments on the Howard Stern show.

5- Team USA losing the Ryder Cup against England. Corey Pavin was so comatose for this tournament, I thought he was sharing a bottle of Purple Drank with JaMarcus Russell.

Purple Drank!

~ by lordelevation on October 6, 2010.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: donovan mcnabb redskins, Jay Cutler, Jimmy Johnson survivor, Monday Morning Quarterback, nWo, omaha nighthawks, purple drank, sam bradford