We covered the Mania card from top to bottom and side to side. Everything you need for the big event on Sunday. A great show, and a lot of fun. Check it out.

Click here to listen.

Rowdy Roddy Elevation.

Stay tuned-

El

Regards-

Peter  aka “Elevation”

Way to wrangle my heart, Brett.

The NFL is facing it’s first season since 2005 where there doesn’t appear to be the juggernaut team that is clear and away the best team. Everyone has their weaknesses, and there is a group of 8 to 10 teams that legitimately might win the Super Bowl right now. Some might prefer that one team claim clear and present domination over all others, but I like the NFL better when there is uncertainty. (The exception to this rule is when the Broncos are the clear and present juggernaut, which hasn’t happened for awhile.) So, here is my lastest attempt to make sense of the land of the senseless, the NFL landscape as we approach Week 5.

I got your juggernaut right here.

Craig Dodge bringing us Troy Aikman like advice, such as you need to score more than the other team to win.

Craig Dodge, question me if you want to die.

Welcome back folks. Week IV of the NFL is in the books and there are a million storylines to cover. I intend to write about 567,890 of them in this article alone, so hang on to your butts.

A great man.

Personal Connections/ Thoughts on Week IV

As I like to remind you each and every week, I am a close friend to many NFL players. In fact just this week I rode in the back of Brett Favre’s pickup truck while texting Peyton Manning with one phone and calling Peyton Hillis with the other. Am I popular or what?

Mike Singletary was a busy man on Sunday night. He was able to multitask by skyping with me, at the exact same time he was preparing a resume to post on www.Monster.com. The 49ers have fallen to 0-4 and are the worst team in the worst division in football. Mike told me “Man, I’m so frustrated with this situation. 2 years ago I pulled down my pants at halftime. Today, I tried assless chaps. Damn it, I don’t know what to do.”

LaDanian Tomlinson took time out of mixing a unicorn blood protein shake to send me a text that said “I feel great this season. Hopefully we can keep playing this well and make a Super Bowl.” Tomlinson has led the Jets to 3 straight wins and rushed for 133 yards and 2 TDs on Sunday against the hapless Bills.

You're damn right I made a Professor Quirrell and Lord Voldemort reference in a football column.

Donovan McNabb revealed a few interesting things during our post game phone call on Sunday following the Redskins 17-12 win in Philadelphia. It was a dramatic homecoming for McNabb who was greeted warmly upon his return to the city of Brotherly Love. He told me “It didn’t feel like a homecoming until the Eagles had to take a delay of game penalty following a 10 minute booth review that was followed by a Philly timeout. Its great to see that Andy hasn’t changed a thing.”

A very downtrodden Larry Fitzgerald sent me a sad text message following the Cards 41-10 thrashing at the hands of Phil Rivers and the San Diego Chargers. He told me “Derek Anderson is so goddamn bad, I’m one more interception away from running over him in the parking lot and speeding away. Don’t tell anybody I told you this.”

Hell, I was expecting Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates to start beating up Beanie Wells, only to have Derek Anderson rushing onto the scene and pretend to make the save on Wells, only to join in on the beat down. Cardinals broadcaster would have then expressed his moral outrage that Derek Anderson was the third man, only to be followed by an impromptu interview with Cards sideline guy Paul Calvisi where the fans started pelting Anderson with trash as he tried to explain his actions.

Hulk, Scott, and Kevin should call Derek Anderson next time they get the band back together.

After leading his team to a come behind late game 17-14 victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ravens QB Joe Flacco let me know on Monday that he was excited following the victory. He told me “Peter, I’m excited following the victory.”

I tried texting Jay Cutler after his Bears were dominated 17-3 in the swamps of Jersey by Osi Umenyiora and the Giants. Jay had to come out of the game following 9 first half sacks by the G-Men. He told me “I am the walrus, goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.” I like his moxie.

Sam Bradford deserves all the credit in the world for leading the Rams to a 2-2 record. The Oklahoma rookie had a great weekend as he led the Rams to 20-3 win over the Seahawks and saw his Oklahoma Sooners defeat Texas in the 2010 edition of the Red River Rivalry. I tried faxing him, sending him a DM on Twitter and a personal message on Facebook. I go tno response. YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF BRADFORD. DISRESPECT ME AND I WILL BURY YOU!

I tried calling Jay Cutler back after our first disappointing communication. He did not answer his phone. A little while later he left this voice mail for me.

Awards

Offensive Player of the Week:

Donovan McNabb, Washington Redskins. I don’t care that he only had 8 completions on Sunday. He got the win in a tough Philadelphia environment. He had gumption. My fantasy league scores for gumption, does yours?

Who cares about stats when you have gumption?

Defensive Player of the Week:

Patrick Chung, New England Patriots.

Chung had one of the best individual games of 2010. He had a blocked punt, blocked field goal, and an interception return for a touchdown. Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano is going to start having John Rambo like flashbacks the next time he walks by a Panda Express.

Coach of the Week:

Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Jaguars were horrific in Week 3 against the Eagles. However, in week 4 they were able to pull an offensive explosion out of nowhere and defeat the Colts as time expired thanks to Josh Scobee’s 59 yard field goal. I was going to make Josh McDaniels coach of the week, but Del Rio threatened to impale me with the same locker room motivational axe that former Jags punter Chris Hansen used to put gash in his own leg.

Fantasy tip for Week V

Folks, I hope you listened to my tip for week 4 and benched Brett Favre. As usual my fantasy advice comes from consultations with an army of experts and insiders. For week 5 I suggest that you bench Detroit Lions left tackle Jeff Backus. Bakcus has given me zeros every single week this season. I’m going to take him out of my lineup and I suggest you do the same.

The select six

#1 New York Jets (3-1): This is a team on a roll. The debut of Santonio Holmes will give this dangerous team even more weapons. Hopefully Santonio can abuse defenses the same way he abuses substances.

#2 New Orleans Saints (3-1): This team was able to scrape by and get a win on Sunday against Carolina despite missing Darren Sharper, Lucky Pierre Thomas, and Reggie Bush. Hopefully Thomas returns soon because backup Running Back Chris Ivory-Wayans just isn’t bringing it.

The Wayans Brothers are voting for their storyline brother Chris Ivory.

#3 Baltimore Ravens (3-1): All their gears aren’t in motion yet, but Ray Lewis has led the Ravens to a strong 3-1 start. They are still weak at kicker. Maybe they should follow the Saints example and cut Billy Cundiff and bring in veteran favorite Matt Stover. They can then cut 42-year-old Matt Stover. After they cut Stover they can bring in 50-year-old Morten Anderson. After they cut Anderson they can bring in 51 year old Gary Anderson.

#4 Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): KC Chiefs are the only undefeated team left in the NFL. KC won’t stay that way. Mercury Morris is devastated that he won’t be able to rap on national television anymore.

#5 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1): Steelers coach Mike Tomlin told me that he is excited for the offensive boost Ben Roethlisberger will bring to the team. He said “Man, we are going to penetrate the end zone so many times with Ben.”

#6 Omaha Nighthawks (2-0): This win streak is getting crazy. I think Geno Auriemma must be coaching them.

Things I think I liked and didn’t like.

I think I liked……..

1- The Philadelphia Phillies World Series chances. Their rotation is loaded. Eagles coach Andy Reid told me that he gets alot of ideas about time management from watching Charlie Manuel. That may explain a few things.

2- Terrell Owens with 222 receiving yards against the Browns. You know its a good day when Owens gets more yards than total viewers in the history of the TO show on VH1.

3- Randy Moss to the Vikings. It will be nice to see Randy Moss return to the Minnesota Vikings. Hopefully Dante Culpepper and Gus Frerotte don’t join him.

4- John Cena joining the Nexus on Raw. I’m a football columnist, but I was glued to USA on Monday Night even though the Dolphins-Patriots game was on. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling people that.

5- Bon Jovi’s chances for making the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You ever seen me in leather pants?

You're with me, leather.

I think I didn’t like……

1- Jimmy Johnson getting voted off of Survivor. I’m going to miss seeing Jimmy without his shirt on every week. His bare chest has more charisma than the entire cast of the CBS NFL halftime show.

Jimmy, go put some clothes on.

2-Derek Anderson’s performance against the Chargers. Forget the Kurt Warner glory days, Anderson had Cards fans pining for the return of the Shaun King days.

3- The Undertaker-Kane feud. These two guys have been feuding since 1997. That is so long ago Brett Favre was the MVP. How crazy is that?

4- NFL pregame shows. These shows are about as funny as the Saw movies, but the talking heads all laugh like they are at an Artie Lange standup gig. Speaking of Artie, this was one of his best moments on the Howard Stern show.

5- Team USA losing the Ryder Cup against England. Corey Pavin was so comatose for this tournament, I thought he was sharing a bottle of Purple Drank with JaMarcus Russell.

Purple Drank!

I know the NFL likes parity, but wow! Only 3 undefeated teams after just 3 weeks, even more odd is that the Chiefs are one of the three. We are nearly to the quarter pole, and if you think you have any idea who the best teams are, you’re an idiot. I pride myself on being an idiot, so here is where I say the power lies. List is subject to change, lots and lots of change…

1. Steelers (3-0) – Before the season started, people were worried how bad this team would be without Roethlisberger for the first month. With the defense that appears back to 2008 standards, it appears the concerns were overstated, and they only figure to get better when their big oaf of a quarterback comes back from suspension.

2. Packers (2-1) – I can’t kill the Packers too much for losing in Chicago to the undefeated Bears with a revved up Monday Night crowd. That’s tough sledding against your biggest rival. I still think at the end of the season that Green Bay will be better than Chicago, though.

3. Saints (2-1) – How many Saints fans are pulling a “What have you done for us lately?” routine with kicker Garrett Hartley? “Sure you nailed a pressure kick against the Vikings to get us into the Super Bowl, hit 3 kicks of over 40 yards in the Super Bowl, AND executed a successful onside kick to start the second half of the Super Bowl, but now you’re going to shank a 29 yard kick to win a game in overtime? You suck, Hartley!” Apparently even the Saints themselves are pulling this, as they are looking into new kickers, pro sports everybody!

4. Colts (2-1) – You wouldn’t know it from the stats, as on paper, Peyton Manning had a big day against the Broncos. However, if you watched the game. (And I was there, so I was definitely watching.) He seemed a little off. Also, the defense tightened up when the absolutely needed to, but Kyle Orton was moving the ball with ease in between the 20 yard lines.

5. Bears (3-0) – Huge win against the Pack. I’m not a big fan of the Bears, but those throwback uniforms they were wearing Monday night were pimp. They looked like the coolest High School team ever.

6. Jets (2-1) – Team Manic-Depressive. Two weeks ago, they looked like they had hit rock bottom after losing to the Ravens and looking dreadful. Now both the Jets and their fans are making plans to be in Dallas in February. I’d feel better if they were a little more consistent, but I have to admit that they are much better thus far through three games than I was anticipating at the outset of the year.

The Jets defense is unbreakable, much like the DUI ignition lock Braylon Edwards will now have in his car.

7. Ravens (2-1) – Baltimore righted the ship against Cleveland…sort of. I was expecting them to win by a bit more, and was surprised that Cleveland scored 17 against their defense. I feel like we’ll know a lot more about them after next week against the Steelers.

8. Falcons (2-1) – This team has been solid this year, and I am believing in them, but how many of their fans are experiencing Vick regret?

9. Texans (2-1) – The Texans were sort of playing with house money against Dallas after starting 2-0 and getting a win against their nemesis the Colts, but I still thought they were going to win the battle of Texas due to the inferiority complex that comes with being the Cowboys little brother. They are still out to a good start, and clearly that game meant more to the Cowboys, but I think a contender puts their foot down on the struggling Cowpokes.

10. Patriots (2-1) – The Pats will need to win every game 42-35 by the looks of it. Bill Belichick’s team is defense optional.

11. Bengals (2-1) – After getting killed by New England in week 1, Cincy has kind of slipped below the radar, but they are there lurking right now.

This is apparently the image Carson Palmer sees in his head when he is about to throw a football.

12. Eagles (2-1) – Best story of the first month so far has to be the redemption of Michael Vick. Playing well doesn’t mean he’s turned into a good person, but at least he’s fun to watch again…and really, when it comes to sports, that’s mostly what matters. I’m all for having guys with good character, but at the end of the day this is entertainment, not a morality play.

13. Cowboys (1-2) – Wow did Wade Phillips need that win. I feel like the Cowboys are about to go out and string together a bunch of wins now. This team may be dumb, but they are also talented.

14. Vikings (1-2) – The Lions came to town at just the right time. Minnesota now needs to go out and beat someone impressive. Brett Favre is still likely to regret coming back this season.

15. Chiefs (3-0) – The Chiefs have had a nice little start, but let’s not get too overly excited about beating the 49ers, Chargers, and Browns.

16. Titans (2-1) – The perfect cure for Vince Young’s quarterback woes is coming…a home date against the Broncos defense!

17. Dolphins (2-1) – What a terrific game against the Jets on Sunday night. For once, everyone was cheering FOR Miami. Once basketball season rolls around, that will change quickly.

If Craig Dodge thinks Sunday night was the first time people ever cheered for Miami, he is mistaken.

18. Seahawks (2-1) – Perhaps this will be the first team in NFL history that bases most of it’s offense on Kickoff returns. Not a strategy I would associate with a champion, but it sure worked on Sunday.

19. Chargers (1-2) – Is this the typical early season malaise, or are the Chargers actually not that good anymore?

The only thing uglier than San Diego's performance this year is Norv Turner's face.

20. Cardinals (2-1) – I am baffled that this team is over .500. Talk about something I don’t expect to last. I’d put more stock in a BP popularity resurgence in Louisiana than in the Cards right now.

21. Giants (1-2) – That opening season romp over the Panthers seems less impressive now that the Panthers look about as fierce as a wet noodle and the Giants have getting obliterated ever since.

22. Redskins (1-2) – I think the reason that the Eagles may have been so quick to dump McNabb to a division rival is because they knew he just isn’t very good anymore. Skins still have some hope, but Shanahan will need to do better than losing by two touchdowns to the Rams.

23. Jaguars (1-2) – This team has flat out sucked since opening the season win versus Denver. It’s gotta be tough to find reasons to put on teal and root for this team if you live in Northeast Florida.

24. Buccaneers (2-1) – You knew they wouldn’t stay undefeated TOO long. This is a young team that has the opportunity to grow and get better this year, but they have a long way to go before they are contending.

25. Broncos (1-2) – The Broncos are playing hard for Josh McDaniels, which is a good sign. They don’t seem like they are going to get blown out much, but I can sure see them losing a lot of relatively close games.

26. Rams (1-2) – The Rams beat Washington by two touchdowns. Wait…What?

27. Lions (0-3) – Perhaps the best 0-3 team in America!

28. Raiders (1-2) – Every year I think, this is the year the Raiders finally won’t completely suck. Every year I am wrong.

29. 49ers (0-3) – Mike Singletary’s team looks lost. Perhaps he should moon them and see what happens?

Mike Singletary is so intense, it looks like he stands on the sideline and thinks of ways to kill people without getting caught.

30. Browns (0-3) – Well, at least it appears safe to say that they won the Peyton Hills for Brady Quinn trade. The Browns will take whatever wins they can get.

31. Panthers (0-3) – Masters of the thirteen point loss. They are three for three in losing by thirteen this season thus far.

32. Bills (0-3) – This is too depressing to even mock. I’m sorry, Buffalo. You deserve better.

Peter King: A great man

(Enjoy the Tuesday Evening Fullback folks, its my weekly little tribute to Peter King. Click here for the real thing.)

Well folks we’ve been swept up by another week of NFL action. As the preeminent football journalist in the entire world, I felt like it was my duty to offer a weekly rundown of all things Romo, Moeaki, McCluster.

Personal Connections/ Thoughts on Week III

There were alot of happy players, coaches, and owners following Week 3 of the NFL season. I thought I would share a few snippets I heard from a diverse collection of personnel around the league. You see, I am the preeminent NFL columnist in the entire world so its my constitutional duty to pretend like I am a close friend and confidant of every single person associated with the NFL in order to impress all you peons and fill my insatiable ego.

An ebullient Jerry Jones admitted to me on Skype that “Quite candidly, I had already picked out a whole in the desert to bury Wade (Phillips) if we had lost again.” Jerry Jones runs a class organization.

An exuberant Pete Carroll texted me after his Seattle Seahawks impressive 27-20 victory over the Chargers to tell me that this was really the wrong number and the person I was contacting was really a guy named Mike Krayzelburg from Battle Creek Michigan who was going to pursue legal action if I kept texting and calling him. You could feel the camaraderie emanating off Pete on the phone.

Speaking of Pete Carroll, I spilled a scalding hot cup of Seattle’s finest on my privates the other day.

Pete Carroll responds to a media question about USC.

Andy Reid called me from his traditional post game trip to the bathroom to let me know that he is extremely pleased by the way Mike Vick played  against the beleaguered Jacksonville Jaguars and that he plans on never eating taco’s followed by his wife’s brownies at the post game spread ever again.

My close personal friend Peyton Manning left me a voicemail to let me know that if I cheated on him by calling Brett Favre again this week he and Eli were going to hogtie me and leave me in front of an oncoming train.

I think the Pittsburgh Steelers are a team worth watching. If Charlie Batch keeps up his great play, he will likely be allowed to stick around as Pittsburgh’s 3rd Quarterback after Ben and Dixon get back.

Braylon Edwards sent me an e-mail during his traditional postgame DUI to let me know that he was impressed with Mark Sanchez’s poise and confidence following the Jets impressive Sunday Night Football victory. You gotta love the confidence Rex Ryan has established in these boys.

Later in the night Mike Krayzelburg interrupted my dinner with Tony Dungy to let me know that he had called the authorities and that a protection order had been filed against me. I tell you, Leon Washington is a player to watch.

Todd Haley is doing such a great job as coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, that I just want to pick him up like a dog and start petting him. When I texted this to Todd, he quickly texted back saying, “Peter, thats a little creepy.”

Speaking of Kansas City, offensive coordinator Charlie Weis took timeout of counting all the piles of money he stole from Notre Dame to let me know that Sunday was a great day for him. He told me in a fax “I was very pleased by the progress Matt Cassell has shown this season. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that Jimmy Clausen took the loss and went 16 for 33 with 188 yards and an INT. He is doing even better in Carolina than he did at Notre Dame.”

I asked Charlie if he watched the Stanford-Notre Dame game on Saturday and he responded with this

Boy I tell you, I can’t get enough NFL action. You know what else I can’t get enough of? Coffee. I drink so much of Colombia’s fineset that the DEA has actually found traces of cocaine in my system. Maybe that will help me when I run the New Hampshire half marathon this Saturday. Send your donations to http://runpeterkingrun.com/ The Kenyans have no idea whats going to hit them. No, I literally plan on hitting them with baseball bats.

Awards-

Offensive Player of the Week:

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings- Look I know Adrian Peterson ran for 160 yards and 2 TDs. I also know that Brett Favre through 2 interceptions. However, Brett Favre showed moxie in the Vikings season saving 24-10 victory over the Lions. I like moxie. You know what else I like, going into the Vikings  locker-room and pretending to interview other players just so I can see Brett Favre put on his Wrangler jeans. God he looks great in them.

"Nice Wranglers, Brett."

Defensive Player of the Week:

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings- Look I know Brett Favre plays QB and didn’t have any tackles in this game, but he showed tremendous poise and moxie chasing after Corey Williams and Alphonso Smith following their interceptions of his passes. Were you watching this Jimmy Clausen?

Brett Favre is a handsome man. Jimmy Clausen looks like an emu.

Coach of the Week:

Jeff Fisher, Tennessee Titans- Congratulations to Jeff Fisher and the Tennessee Titans for knocking off the struggling New York Giants. I have to give the Coach of the Week award to Jeff for actually leaving Vince Young in an entire game. I know the temptation was there for a little bit to pull him like Fisher always does, but he stuck to the game plan and it got him the win.

Fantasy Tip for Week IV

Look, I know I’m an old school guy and not too into the fantasy stuff, but I have a tremendous tip for week 4. I have been cultivating my sources and checking the newswire and have come up with this. Do not start Brett Favre in Week 4 on your fantasy team. The Vikings have a bye week. I took me hours to get that information and I hope you do the right thing with it.

Hopefully you followed my advice for week 3 and did not start Todd Bouman the backup quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars. He had 0 passes for 0 yards.

What can you say? Move over Mr. Roto, make the Tuesday Evening Fullback your source for fantasy information.

The Select Six-

#1 Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0): Forget about Ben Roethlisberger looking over his shoulder, 4 time  Super Bowl winner Terry Bradshaw better be looking over the shoulder at his place in history if Charlie Batch keeps playing like this.

#2 Kansas City Chiefs (3-0): What can you say about the Kansas Chiefs that hasn’t already been said about the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls that won 72 games? I hear Chiefs rookie star Dexter McCluster used to wear Jordan sneakers as a child? Coincidence?

#3 Chicago Bears (3-0): They beat the Green Bay Packers in a great game on Monday night. Jay Cutler played with a winning mentality that hasn’t been seen since his high school days, due to the fact his teams largely sucked at Vanderbilt and Denver.

#4 New Orleans Saints (2-1): The Saints were a 29 yard missed field goal in overitme away from going 3-0. The only way Garrett Hartley keeps his job is if Matt Stover steps on a bear trap.

#5 Indianapolis Colts (2-1): Peyton Manning is a special professional football player. He is a great man, in fact he is so great I decided to write a song about our relationship.

#6 Omaha Nighthawks (1-0): I don’t care that the Omaha Nighthawks play in the UFL. Between Jeff Garcia, Maurice Clarett, Ahman Green, Cato June and coach Jeff Jagodzkinski, these guys would win at least 14 games in the NFL.

The least famous Stallone movie of all time.

Things I think I liked and didn’t like:

I think I liked the following this week:

1- Coffee

2- Mike Vick against the Jags. He appears to have developed a great feel for the passing game behind bars. Bengals coach Marvin Lewis should plant a bag of heroin in Carson Palmer’s car, so he can also re-learn how to throw the ball.

3- Ryan Fitzpatrick against the Patriots. Although the Bills lost 38-30 to Tom Brady and the Patriots, acclaim must be given to new starter Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Bills were so bad with Trent Edwards as QB, Canadian border officials were going to have the team declared a banned substance so they wouldn’t be allowed into the country.

The Mounties ride to head the Bills off at the pass.

4- Mike Martz with the Bears. Martz and Cutler seem like the perfect couple. With Cutler, it appears that Martz has finally found the quarterback he was missing when he failed repeatedly with the Rams, Lions, and 49ers.

5- The Philadelphia Phillies clinched their 4th NL East title in a row. It appears that Brad Lidge has found his 2008 form, and the pitching and hitting are rolling on all cylinders. Its odd to me that Charlie Manuel has a better grasp of the 2 minute drill than Andy Reid, and he doesn’t even coach football.

I think I didn’t like these things:

1- 18 penalties for 152 yards for the Packers against the Bears. Apparently the Packers missed seeing the yellow color of cheeseheads so they repeatedly kept committing penalties in order to have yellow flags all over the field.

2- Giant Gonzales’ death. I am saddened by the death of the Argentine big man. The world has gotten a little smaller. I’ve decided to include this obituary by AOL Fan House in the report this week:

“Local Argentinian media is reporting that Jorge Gonzalez, who competed in World Championship Wrestling as “El Gigante” before heading to the World Wrestling Federation as Giant Gonzalez, has died from diabetes complications and other issues due to his 7-foot-7 height. He was 44.

Gonzalez was brought into WCW by Turner Broadcasting through a contract shift. Originally drafted into the NBA by the Atlanta Hawks, Turner introduced the wrestling world to El Gigante (“The Giant”) at WCW’s Capital Combat 1990 pay-per-view, debuting as a surprise during a Ric Flair vs. Lex Luger steel cage match. Gigante made an impression on fans with his incredible height, but was considered “extremely limited” in the ring.

Gigante worked from 1990 through 1993 for WCW, and was signed by WWF in early 1993. Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble that year in an airbrushed, furry bodysuit that made him appear to be naked. He began a feud with The Undertaker that culminated in a match at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas. Gonzalez was managed by Harvey Wippleman during the run, which ended after a SummerSlam loss to Taker in a “Rest in Peace” match. He left the company soon afterward.

Gonzalez made appearances with both New and All Japan Pro Wrestling and appeared in an episode of “Baywatch,” playing a sad, bullied giant. Last year, he was scheduled to return to the U.S. for a convention appearance, but his health was deteriorating and the appearance was canceled. http://www.fanhouse.com/2010/09/25/giant-gonzalez-dead/?synd=1“

Shame on Commissioner Goodell on not making every single team observe a moment of silence before each game this week.

Farewell Giant, the candle burned out long before the legend ever did

3- Frank Mir’s victory over Mirko Cro Cop at UFC 119. Its called fighting gentlemen, not slow dancing. Cro Cop is finished. His kicks are now more useless than Garrett Hartley’s.

4- Eric Mangini’s coaching tenure for the Cleveland Browns. Despite a great performance from Peyton Hillis, Mangini’s team dropped to 0-3 with no relief in sight. If you can’t get a win with Jake Delhomme on the bench, you sure as hell aren’t getting one with him in the game.

5-Gus Johnson’s constant screaming. Gus relax. You should have stopped screaming after this horrible moment in your announcing career.

The matches kicked off with another Friday showdown for Bayern Munich in their first away game of the season. This time they were against new boys, FC Kaiserlautern. Munich started brightly and were pushing hard for an early goal which should have come courtesy of Thomas Muller who was set free inside the box thanks to some fine team play but he failed to convert the opportunity.

There was no doubt that Bayern were dominating but Kaiserlautern were playing strong counter attack football and they opened the scoring in the 36th minute with a high drive into the corner by Ivo Ilicevic. The home fans were ecstatic and thanks to some high adrenaline racing through their veins the boys added another within a minute thanks to Srdjan Lakic.  2-0!

Although the second half brought more Bayern pressure they seemed to lack the spark in front of goal and couldn’t get their act together and the big lavish Bavarian stars crashed to their first defeat of the campaign.

On Saturday it was a battle of the numbers as Schalke 04 played host to Hannover 96. This should have been a relevatively easy affair for the home team but as we all know, affairs can get messy- just ask the England team.

Hannover’s manager is Mirko Slomka, a man that was recently dismissed by Schalke. This was his first trip back to the Vetlins Arena since he received his marching orders and it was one for him to cherish for many moons to come.

Schalke started well and had a goal disallowed as the corner that preceded Jefferson Farfan’s attempt was judged to have gone out of play en route to his head. Raul showed some sparkle and backheeled to set up German-born, U.S international Jermaine Jones, who squandered the chance.

It was Hannover who took the lead however when Konstantin Rauch placed the ball past German Number 1, Manuel Neuer. After half-time, Hannover doubled their lead thanks to Abdellaoue converting a rebound.

Schalke looked out of sorts but with 10 minutes to go, the controversial Jones  (he once told a German sports mag that he hoped there were no gay players in the Bundesliga) pulled one back. However, it was all too little too late as Schalke kept up their 100% losing streak this season.

New signing Diego shone on his return to the Bundesliga but he couldn’t help his new boss (comedy character Steve McClaren) get his first league win with Wolfsburg as they threw away a 3 goal lead to lose 3-4 on home soil to 1. FSV Mainz.

Werder Bremen beat sorry 1. FC Koln 4-2 and that scoreline does not incidate the dominance Bremen had. On this evidence Cologne really need to pull their socks up or they will be the next big German city without a team in the Bundesliga.

At the other end of the table, Hamburger SV are looking good for a strong finish and a possible title challenge this season after a convincing away win against Frankfurt with that man van Nistelrooy showing even in his advancing years he has much to offer.

In the other Saturday afternoon game, Freiburg beat Nurnberg 2-1 away from home.

Saturday evening brought St. Pauli hosting Hoffenheim. Both teams played attacking football from the off (proving this ain’t Italy) and each had a number of chances but couldn’t convert them due to some good goalkeeping and poor finishing. Hoffenheim eventually got the winner with just 3 minutes of the 90 to go thanks to an Isaac Vorsah strike off the back of a corner. A bitter blow for the Hamburgers of St. Pauli.

On Sunday there was a 9, yes count them, NINE, goal thriller between Bayern Leverkusen and Borussia Monchengladbach (try saying that after one too many).

Home boys Leverkusen struggled after European exploits earlier in the week and their defence showed more holes than a pair of Kurt Cobain’s jeans. Despite bringing Ballack and Hyypia into the staring line up they couldn’t prevent themselves going into the break 3-1 down. The second half was no better and after just 10 minutes of the second half they found themselves 3 goals behind. Vidal scored a penalty to bring it back to 4-2 but then Monchengladbach made it 6-2 in the next 10 minutes before Kiessling scored a consolation in the 70th to make it 6-3  and that is how it ended.

The last game of the weekend featured Borussia Dortmund travelling to Stuttgart and winning comfortably. Stuttgart got off to the worst possible start as the human liablity that is Khalid Boulahrouz put a Marcel Schmelzer cross into his own net. Then on the 26th minute Lucas Barrios made it two, thanks to a poor clearance by Georg Niedermeier and by half time it was 3-0 to Dortmund due to a mix up between Ulreich and Niedermeier. Stuttgart got better in the second half but could only claw back 1 goal courtesy of Cacau. It ended 3-1.

Here are the big incoming transfers before the window closed at the end of the business day on August 31st:

Diego: Juventus to Wolfsburg- €15.5m

Klass Jan Huntelaar: Milan to Schalke- €14m

Gylfi Sigurdsson: Reading to Hoffenheim €8.9m

DaMarcus Beasley: Rangers to Hannover 96- Free

Mauro Camoranesi: Juventus to Stuttgart- Free

Mickeal Silvestre: Arsenal to Werder Bremen- Free

For all those statos out there who want to know the details that most find dull head over to the Bundesliga site at: www.bundesliga.de. Don’t stress it can be put in to English.

See you after the International break.

Mark.

www.soundcloud.com/popcampaign.

This article is Hof tested, and Hof approved.

After the excitement of Germany’s performance in this summers World Cup, everyone has waited for the new domestic season with baited breath and this weekend that wait was finally over with the commencement of the latest installment of the Bundesliga, now in it’s 48^th season.

Ok, so Oezil and Khedira  made the big money moves to La Liga and the main managerial excitement involved ex-England flop Steve “Man with an Umbrella” McLaren (Wiki it) taking over at VfLWolfsburg. This is the man, lest we forget, that within a matter of months of taking over at former club FC Twente was talking in broken English during an interview (Youtube it for laughs). It’s not all doom and gloom though, Ballack (Chelsea to Bayer Leverkusen, free) is back and that coupled with the arrival of Raul (Real Madrid to Schalke 04, free) is bound to keep the entertainment levels high in one of the biggest Football Leagues in the world.

The opening match kicked off on Friday night and pitted reigning champions Bayern Munich against 08-09 champs, Wolfsburg. It was the first match in charge for the aforementioned McLaren and there ain’t no bigger baptism of fire than this. 69,000 crammed into the Alliance Arena to watch a Bayern team that boasts absolutely no changes from last season other than the return of German World Cup medalist Toni Kroos from Leverkusen (obviously now surplus to requirements with the above Ballack switch). This is in stark contrast to Wolfsburg who splashed the cash this summer, spending in excess of €19m.

Bayern got off to a flier thanks to a fine finish from Golden Boot winner Thomas Mueller after just 9 minutes. Munich continued to press with some fine play by Ribery showing no signs that his impending court trial is affecting his performance on the pitch. Bayern dominated until half time and could have went in 2 or 3 ahead if they had taken their chances. After the break, Wolfsburg were a changed side. They suddenly had a swagger and a will to win the game. After several missed chances (mainly thanks to some sloppy Bayern defending) they finally equalised in the 55^th minute from a corner received successfully by the head of Edin Dzeko. The match then could have gone either way. Both teams made a couple of changes to try shake things up but it looked set for a draw, until, in the 92^nd minute, Bavarian local hero, Bastian Schweinsteiger connected at the far post to a Ribery cross that sealed Wolfsburg’s fate. The stadium exploded as Bayern tasted sweet victory and Wolfsburg suffered a cruel fate. Their pain was no better explained than via the replayed television coverage of McLaren throwing his water bottle down in anger and mouthing an obscenity in perfect English.

Franck Ribery prepares to enter the game.

Saturday afternoon brought with it the emergence of funf neu (5 new) matches. The rise of 1899 Hoffenheim in German Football is a true David vs Goliath story and one that fairytales are written about. They continued their ascendance to the top of the game with a convincing 4-1 victory over SV Werder Bremen who are clearly at a bit of a loss with the departure of Oezil. It all started so well for Bremen who were awarded a penalty after just 3 minutes due to a handball by Marvin Compper. Captain Torsten Frings stepped up and made no mistake from the spot. However,  Hoffenheim are not a team that allows a silly thing like having a tiny population of just 3,300 to stop them competing with the big boys in the Bundesliga and in turn they showed what they are all about by equalising in the 20^th minute and then banging in three more in the space of eight minutes before Half-Time. Bremen couldn’t get back into it after that and were showing clear signs of fatigue after their impressive 3-1 victory in the Champions League Play-Off in mid-week against Sampdoria. It finished 4-1 Hoffenheim.

Newly promoted St. Pauli and 1. FC Kaiserlautern both won their first games back in the top flight 3-1. It is the first time that the new boys have both won their opening fixtures in Bundesliga history.

Kaiserlautern’s victims were 1.FC Koln (who played with just 10 men for 88 minutes of the match due to the sending off of Yousseff Mohammed) and St. Pauli saw away SC Freiburg with relative ease.

In 1997/1998 season, Kaiserlautern beat Bayern Munich in their opening fixture and went on to win the league becoming the first newly promoted team to do so in the Bundesliga. They will be hoping for a repeat this time round but in reality staying up would be a good achievement for both these sides this year.

In the other matches on Saturday afternoon, Borussia Moenchengladbach drew 1-1 with 1.FC Nurnberg and Hannover 96 beat Eintracht Frankfurt 2-1.

Saturday evening brought the Bundesliga debut of Raul with Hamburger SV vs Schalke 04. HSV dominated the first half and should have been ahead at the break when Ruud Van Nistelrooy hammered the crossbar with a free kick leaving Neuer to make a fantastic save by denying the rebound by Elia. However, just a minute after the break, Van Nistelrooy did score after a dream cross by Elia on the left wing. Soon after, around the 60 minute mark, Hoewedes was sent off for Schalke and things looked like caving in on them until on the 80^th minute when Farfan netted from an Ivan Rakitic free-kick. However, they couldn’t hold on for the draw and Van Nistelrooy pounced again 3 minutes later to seal their fate and hand victory to Hamburg.

On Sunday afternoon, 1.FSV Mainz shocked Stuttgart after goals from their new strike duo of Allagui and Rasmussen after Stuttgart’s Cacau missed a penalty and that evening Bayer Leverkusen sealed a 2-0 away victory against Borussia Dortmund with goals from Barnetta and Renat-Augusto which meant a happy return to the Bundesliga for Michael Ballack after four years away.

For those of you who love a good stat here are the details of all the games this weekend:

20.08.10          20:30   FC Bayern München   2          :           1 VfL Wolfsburg

Mueller (9’)        Dzeko (55’)

Schweinsteiger (90’+1)

Line-ups:

FC Bayern: Butt – Lahm, van Buyten, Badstuber, Contento – van Bommel, Schweinsteiger – Müller, Kroos (Pranjic 73′), Ribery – Klose (Gomez 74′)

Wolfsburg: Benaglio – Pekarik (Misimovic 46′), Kjaer, Barzagli, Schäfer – Riether, Josue – Ziani (Dejagah 77′), Cicero, Mandzukic (Grafite 88′) – Dzeko

Attendance in the Allianz Arena: 69,000

Bookings: 4 Yellow Cards: Mark Van Bommel (BM 33’) Peter Pekarik (VfL W 43’), Cicero ( VfL W 62’) Andrea Barzagli (VfL W 66’)

——————————————————————————————————-

21.08.10          15:30   1899 Hoffenheim         4 : 1    SV Werder Bremen    4:1 (4:1)

Demba Ba (20’)            Torsten Frings (3’ PEN)

Peniel Kokou Mlapa (37’)

Vedad Ibjsevic (41’)

Sejad Salihovic (43’)

Line-ups:

1899: Starke – Beck, Vorsah, Simunic, Compper (Eichner 72′) – Weis, Gustavo, Salihovic – Mlapa (Thomalla 77′), Ibisevic, Ba (Vukcevic 62′)

Bremen: Wiese – Fritz, Mertesacker, Prödl, Pasanen – Frings – Borowski (Wagner 73′), Hunt (Marin 46′), Bargfrede – Pizarro, Almeida (Arnautovic 23′)

Attendance: 13,000 (Rhein-Neckar-Arena)

Bookings: 3 Yellow Cards: Tim Borowski ( WB 10’) Clemens Fritz (WB 66’)                   Christian Eichner (H 89’)

——————————————————————————————————-

21.08.10          15:30   Borussia M’gladbach  1 : 1    1. FC Nürnberg

Idrissou (31′)             Hegeler (15′)

Line Ups:

Mönchengladbach: Bailly – Levels, Brouwers, Dante, Daems – Bradley, Marx – Reus, Arango (Hermann 83′) – Matmour (Bobadilla 64′), Idrissou

Nürnberg: Schäfer – Judt, Wolf, Nilsson, Pinola (Bieler 67′) – Hegeler, Simons – Ekici (Eigler 73′), Gündogan, Bunjaku (Frantz 86′) – Schieber

Attendance: 42,202 (Borussia Park)

Bookings: 2 Yellows Cards: Filip Daems (BM 80’)  Raphael Schaefer (FCN 86’)

—————————————————————————————————–

21.08.10          15:30   1. FC Köln      1: 3      1. FC Kaiserslautern

Novakovic (8′)    Lakic (70′)

Lakic (84′)

Ilicevic (88′)

Line Ups:
Köln: Mondragon – Brecko, McKenna, Mohamad, Salger  Petit (Ehret 86′) – Lanig, Jajalo  Yalcin (Pezzoni 14′) – Novakovic, Podolski (Freis 78′)

Lautern: Sippel – Dick, Amedick, Rodnei, Bugera (Jessen 46′) – Tiffert, Bilek  Kirch (Ilicevic 46′), Moravek (Nemenc 78′) – Lakic, Hoffer

Attendance: 49,200 (RheinEnergieStadion)

Bookings: 1 Red Card : Mohamad (FCKo 2′)

3 Yellow Cards: Lukas Podolski (FCKo 78’) Florian Dick (FCKa 37’) Leon Jessen (FCKa 56’)

21.08.10          15:30   SC Freiburg     1  :  3   FC St. Pauli

Cisse (78′)          Boll (83′)

Sukuta-Pasu (89′)

Bartels (90+1′)

Line Ups:

Freiburg: Pouplin  Mujdza (Williams 46′), Barth, Butscher, Bastians – Schuster Caligiuri (Nicu 56′), Makiadi, Rosenthal (Reisinger 89′), Jäger – Cisse

Pauli: Hain – Rothenbach, Thorandt, Zambrano, Oczipka – Boll, Lehmann – Bruns (M. Kruse 58′), Hennings (Bartels 68′), Naki (Sukuta-Pasu 80′) – Ebbers

Attendance: 24,000 (sold out – Badenova-Stadion)

Bookings: NONE

—————————————————————————————————–

21.08.10          15:30   Hannover 96   2: 1      Eintracht Frankfurt

Rausch (21′)              Köhler (27′)

Ya Konan (75′)

Line Ups:

Hannover: Fromlowitz – Cherundolo, Haggui, Pogatetz, Schulz – Pinto, Schmiedebach (Stindl 85′) – Carlitos (Stoppelkamp 3′), Rausch (Djakpa 74′) – Abdellaoue, Ya Konan

Frankfurt: Nikolov – Jung, Franz, Russ, Tzavellas (Korkmaz 65′) – Meier, Schwegler (Caio 78′) – Ochs, Köhler – Gekas (Halil Altintop 60′), Amanatidis

Attendance: 37,212 (AWD-Arena)

Bookings:  1 Yellow Card: Georgios Tzavellas (F 62’)

—————————————————————————————————–

21.08.10          18:30   Hamburger SV            2: 1      FC Schalke 04

van Nistelrooy (46′ & 83’)                      Farfan (80′)

Line Ups:

HSV: Demel, Westermann, Mathijsen, Jansen (Rincon 77′) – Jarolim, Ze Roberto – Pitroipa, Petric (Guerrero 70′), Elia (Kacar 79′) – van Nistelrooy

Schalke: Neuer – Matip (Uchida 59′), Höwedes, Metzelder, Hao – Papadopoulos (Schmitz 49′), Jones – Farfan, Rakitic – Raul (Moritz 63′)), Edu

Attendance: 55,000 (Imtech Arena)

Bookings: 4 Yellow Cards and 1 Red: van Nistelrooy (H 47’) Ze Roberto (H 84’) Benedikt Höwedes  (FCS 53’)  Benedikt Höwedes (FCS 60′ 2^nd Yellow > RED)

—————————————————————————————————–

22.08.10          15:30   1. FSV Mainz 05         2: 0      VfB Stuttgart

Allagui (26′)

Rasmussen (47′)

Line Ups:

Mainz: Wetklo – Zabavnik, Svensson, Noveski, Fuchs – Holtby (Simak 89′), Karhan (Caligiuri 67′), Polanski – Soto – Allagui, Rasmussen (Szalai 72′)

VfB: Ulreich – Degen (Harnik 67′), Boulahrouz, 6 Niedermeier, Molinaro – Gentner, Kuzmanovic – Gebhart (Audel 57′), Träsch – Cacau, Marica (Pogrebnyak 75′)

Attendance: 20,300 (sold out – Bruchwegstadion)

Bookings: 5 Yellow Cards: Mainz: Bo Svensson (M 18’) Radoslav Zabavnik (M 20’) Christian Fuchs (M 38’) Christian Wetklo (M 70’) Georg Niedermeier (S 90+3)

—————————————————————————————————

22.08.10  17:30           Borussia Dortmund  0 : 2        Bayer 04 Leverkusen

Tranquillo Barnetta (19′)

Renato Augusto (22′)

Line Ups:

BVB: Weidenfeller – Owomoyela (Rangelow 77′), Subotic, Hummels, Schmelzer – Kehl (Lewandowski 63′), Sahin – Großkreutz (Piszczek 67′), Kagawa, Götze – Barrios

Bayer: Adler – Castro, Reinartz, Hyypiä, Kadlec – Ballack, Vidal (Balitsch 81′) – Augusto (Schwaab 81′), Barnetta (L. Bender 76′) – Derdiyok, Kießling

Attendance: 73,300 (Signal-Iduna-Park)

Goals: 0-1 Bookings: NONE

——————————————————————————————————-

And finally looking forward to next weeks Bundesliga Matches:

Date                                        Home              Away

27.08.10          20:30   1. FC Kaiserslautern : FC Bayern München

28.08.10          15:30   FC Schalke 04 : Hannover 96

28.08.10          15:30   SV Werder Bremen    : 1. FC Köln

28.08.10          15:30   VfL Wolfsburg           : 1. FSV Mainz 05

28.08.10          15:30   Eintracht Frankfurt     : Hamburger SV

28.08.10          15:30   1. FC Nürnberg           : SC Freiburg

28.08.10          18:30   FC St. Pauli     : 1899 Hoffenheim

29.08.10          15:30   Bayer 04 Leverkusen : Borussia M’gladbach

29.08.10          17:30   VfB Stuttgart : Borussia Dortmund

Thats right everybody. The Outsiders Edge is BAAAAAAAAACK in the Saddle again. Screw the correspondents. They all apparently jumped off a cliff and died. SJX is still practicing his Ric Flair like fake retirement, so the OE is a solo venture for now. Lets be honest, you all loved me more than all of the others anyway.

Welcome back dear friends. It has been far too long and I have missed each and every one of you.

Quite the busy summer in terms of the sports world. The World Cup was all-encompassing and long, and it seems far too early to be worrying about another soccer season, but the time is near. My close personal friend Bret Hart is participating in the main event of Summer Slam, UFC has been awesome lately, and NFL is right around the corner. However the EPL season is about to start. I really enjoyed last year’s preview, and I feel like its my constitutional duty to do another one for 2010-2011. Last year I had some highs (predicted Chelsea-Man U at 1,2, saw good things for Everton, disaster for Portsmouth and Hull) and some lows (good call on Liverpool in the Top 3 and West Ham in the top 10). I’ve been consulting the constellations and my magic 8 ball and feel as confident as ever this quiet August night.

The transfer market has been about as exciting as The Outsiders Edge this Summer. Namely, nothing of interest has taken place (Manchester City spending like drunken rednecks who just won the lottery has gotten old fast). However, I would like all of you to check out my recent interview with Baltimore writing legend John Eisenberg. We had a grand discussion about his trip to the 2010 World Cup, the NASL, Texas high school football, and so much more. It was a great show and I encourage, no beg all of you to listen to it.  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/elevationradio/2010/07/15/elevation-radio-with-john-eisenberg

You should also hear the World Cup preview I did with my pal Johnny Moorhead, where I made a complete and utter dumbass of myself. Good job by me. Still waiting for Mexico to make the semifinals. Good times. Johnny is the kicker for the George Mason football team and really, really loves all things New Zealand. I think he may have had a sexual encounter with Karl Urban at some point. (Just Google it if you don’t know who that is)

The Mexican team celebrates making Elevation look like a moron.

Without further ado, lets get on with the preview before I get even more angry and go drive my car into the side of a Mexican restaurant.

Outfield Player of the year: Ryan Giggs

Manager of the year: Owen Coyle

First manager sacked: Chris Hughton

All XI:    Paul Robinson, Ashley Cole, Ryan Nelsen, Gary Cahill, Kolo Toure, Ryan Giggs, Frank Lampard,  Steve Gerrard, Cesc Fabergas, Wayne Rooney, Didier Drogba

Champion’s League winner: Real Madrid

World Player of the Year: Christiano Ronaldo

Christiano Ronaldo will carry Real Madrid on his strapping, tan, toned back.

20- Blackpool

Poor Blackpool. They are going to be one of the worst EPL sides of all time. Lets face it, since the table is organized by alphabetical order before the season begins Blackpool is able to benefit from the B in their name. They are currently in 5th, and that is the highest they will go all season. Charlie Adam can score a goal or two, but this team is so bad winning the Trebble for Blackpool means they were able to get 3 wins all season. Ian Halloway is an exciting manager, but he still falls in comparison to Blackpool’s most famous resident Mr. William Regal. The Tangerines are going to get juiced. Just be happy with the pay day and enjoy the games against teams like Man U and Chelsea. Blackpool would be lucky to survive relegation in the MLS.)

Local lad William Regal reacts to reading Blackpool's roster list.

19- WBA

West Brom are the second member of the “great season if we don’t finish last club.” WBA have a few notable team members including English international Scott Carson. I can’t even say Carson played enough with England to have a cup of coffee. He actually just licked the coffee filter a few times. For some reason Carson started the 2008 qualifying match against Croatia that knocked England out of contention for a spot in the Euros that season. He had a complete howler against Spurs favorite Niko Kranjcar. The only other WBA players of any note are veteran Irish international Steven Reid and New Zealand’s Chris Wood. If your three best players are Scott Carson, veteran Irish international Steven Reid, and New Zealand’s Chris Wood, you’re going to get demoted. The Throstles will get throttled.

18- Newcastle

Drink up Newcastle fans, its going to be a long season. Yes, I believe all 3 of the promoted Championship teams from 2009-2010 will get demoted back to the Championship. I think it will be a positive experience for all three. At least none of the three will experience financial death by strangulation like Portsmouth FC. Portsmouth actually had the gall to go on a Summer tour of the states back in July. I imagine the marketing campaign of “come see the worst financial calamity in the history of professional sports” yielded great ticket sales. But I digress, the addition Sol “I’ve got Soul but I’m not a Soldier” Campbell will not be enough for Newcastle to avoid demotion. Maybe they can get Nicky Butt to un-retire so we can see a reunion of the 2002 England World Cup team that the world has been clamoring for.

17- Wolves

I love me some Big Mick McCarthy. I believe the last Irish World Cup manager will squeeze enough blood from the rock to allow the Wolf Pack to continue to hunt in the EPL in 2011-2012. I enjoy telling tall tales and fables about Big Mick McCarthy. The man went eye to eye and survived a war with Roy Keane. You really think he’ll allow a Newcastle, Blackpool, or WBA to finish higher than Wolves? He is kind of like the angry English cousin of Roger Sterling from Mad Men. I can only imagine the tales those two would share together. My respect for Big Mick McCarthy grew over the World Cup. He was a guest contributor for The Guardian’s World Cup coverage and actually named Matthew Upson to his all XI for the first round of the World Cup. If that isn’t the sign of a man who was drunk for the entire month of June, I don’t know what one is. I like Wolves alot because they are heavy on the Irishman. Kevin Doyle, Andy Keough, Stephen Ward, Stephen Hunt, The Edge, and Kevin Foley are all on the squad among others. I enjoy the first name repetition. Kevin Doyle is actually a hell of a striker. They also have American GK Marcus Hahnemann. He made the trip to South African and played as many games as I did.

16- Wigan Athletic

Wigan Athletic are a hearty little squad that has been able to stick around the EPL by a shoestring since 2005. Roberto Martinez is another manager I really like. He did a great job with Swansea and I really enjoyed his analysis as a member of the 2010 ESPN crew. He did a great job of flying above the bluster of Alexi Lalas and Steve McManaman and the complete ambivalence of Ruud Gullit. I like their team. Paraguayan defending midfielder Antolin Alcaraz  was a handy little signing. He scored a beautiful goal in the World Cup. He joins Wigan’s talented South American contingent that includes Mauro Boselli and Hugo Rodallega. They could probably use 2 or 3 more players to cement their EPLness.

15- West Ham

West Ham were really quite terrible last season. This is the second EPL preview in a row where I completely forgot to include West Ham in my prior list. What can you say about West Ham? They are just a feeder system for the bigger EPL squads. The likes of Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, and Jermaine Defoe have all passed through Upton Park on their way to bigger and better things. The Hammer Academy is always impressive and thriving, but the actual team completely underacheived last year. They have a few notable players including English internationals Matthew Upson, Scott Parker, Carlton Cole, and most famously Rob Green. Rob Green is a great man. He was one of the best players for Team USA in the 2010 World Cup. His disastrous howler led to England’s eventual self destruction and crisis. Hopefully his American teammate Jonathan Spector shares America’s gratitude to Rob Green every single day in the training ground. The Hammers are managed by the Jewish Sven, Avram Grant. I believe this quote from 2008 from current Hammer and fellow Israeli Tal Ben Haim about a previous encounter between Grant and Haim tell you everything you need to know about West Ham’s prospects in 2010:

If I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach I would have signed for another club. It was Jose who brought me here and no one except he and I know the conversation we had when he tried to sign me the first time a year ago last January. The fact is while Jose was the coach I played most of the games and people who know me know that I would not have come here to be a reserve. I knew nothing good would come for me with Grant as Chelsea coach.”

Capello, don't get mad at me. I wasn't the one who decided to start Rob Green and Matthew Upson.

14- Birmingham City FC

BCFC were able to survive their promotion last season thanks to a rock solid defense and sturdy home record. They really overachieved and defended their way into a 9th place finish. I just think losing the great young Joe Hart at goalkeeper was a huge loss. Man City ended his loan and recalled him to be a part of their 45,874 man squad. They picked up Ben Foster from Man U to replace Hart. I was not overly impressed with Foster’s Man U efforts and have no idea why he keeps getting recalled to the English squad. As President of the American-Irish soccer appreciation society I should also add that BCFC are captained by Stephen Carr. He is the 47th Irishman named Stephen we have mentioned in this preview, and there are still 14 teams left. Lets keep hope alive. BCFC are still decent and will be very tough at home. I just think they lost a little too much this offseason to finish in the top 10 again.

13- Stoke City FC

Stoke fans are stoked for this season. Teams better not play physical against Stoke, or Ryan Shawcross will truck them and potentially end their career. Getting Trinidadian forward Kenwyne Jones was a big addition for Tony Pullis’s side. They need goals and he can help create and score them. I was reading a bit about Stoke and found out they had a player named Sir Stanley Matthews. He was an active player until he was 50 years old. He even played a competitive game at age 70 for Hibernian. Apparently he was childhood friends with Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. He can be viewed as a contemporary to David Beckham who will be 65 years old when he suits up for the Galaxy this Autumn.

12- Sunderland

Sunderland were a bit of a disappointment for me last season. I predicted them to be a team that surprised people. They were doing swimmingly until the beach ball goal last season. I think it was fate. You should all watch this clip of Darren Bent’s goal. The announcers are so ridiculuously in the tank for Sunderland that they completely discount the fact that the soccer ball  HIT A FREAKING BEACH BALL before it went into the net. Sunderland have some good players. Lee Cattermole is a nice defending midfielder. Darren Bent is a top 5 EPL striker. All he does is score goals. Fabio Capello was absolutely moronic to leave him home in favor of Emile Heskey for the World Cup. Emile Heskey is one of the worst soccer players on the planet. He has less scoring prowess than a Special Olympian. I think Danny Welbeck, who is on loan to Sunderland from Man U will be a nice player for them. He looked in fine form during Man United’s summer tour of the states, he just can’t break the deep Man U roster.

11- Fulham

2009-2010 was a great season for Fulham that featured a 9th place EPL finish and a run to the finals of the Europa League. Unfortunately for Fulham, 2010-2011 has to happen. Fulham lost their fantastic manager Roy Hodgson to Liverpool over the Summer. He was replaced by extraordinarily average Mark Hughes who had a gift for snatching draws from the jaws of victory before getting sacked at Man City last season. Fulham have done nothing of note in the transfer market and are expected by most to lose their goalie, the great Australian Mark Schwarzer. That will leave a gaping hole in the back. Fulham will rely heavily on the offensive stylings of English forward Bobby Zamora and American midfielder Clint Dempsey. I like Dempsey but he occasionally has a tendency to fall into lapses where you aren’t completely sure whether he is still a member of the living. I do expect him to have monster games against West Ham this season. Due to the World Cup, he now owns Rob Green so much, he has the right to make Green change his name to Toby.

Rob Green, as Clint Dempsey imagines him.

10- Aston Villa

Aston Villa is in a very similar state of franchise as Fulham. Both are upper mid level clubs that are stuck in place and trying to recover from managerial departures. Fortunately, Fulham had enough of an opportunity to get Mark Hughes as a decent replacement to Roy Hodgson. Aston Villa had no such luck and are stuck in a terrible position after their previous manager Martin O’Neill decided to take his ball and go home 5 days before the seasons. Reports say he was dissatisfied with ownership’s commitment to selling  off Aston Villa’s good players and cutting payroll. Hard to believe that a soccer team owned by the Cleveland Browns ownership group would ever find themselves in a state of crisis. I expect James Milner will be leaving shortly, but Villa do still have a good amount of notable talent in Ashley Young, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Brad Friedel, John Carew, Richard Dunne and Stephen Warnock. (Could I be anymore of an Anglo-Saxon shill?) Young and Agbonlahor should have been on the English national team. They would have brought a bit of pace to the proceedings. Villa will be decent, but I don’t think they have the depth to stick around the top of the table for a 38 week season. Aston Villa also have Emile Heskey. He is the worst soccer player on the entire planet. I have nothing else to say about him. He has the pace of a triceratops trapped in the La Brea Tar Pit.

Emile Heskey plots an attack on the net.

We’ve come quite a long way with the preview. How about a quick musical interlude to allow you to do a bit of a stretch and to grab a cold one from the fridge.

9- Bolton

And we’re back! I think big things are in store for Bolton. Owen Coyle is one of the best manager’s in football. Bolton were very lucky to poach him from Burnley last season. He was doing great things for Burnley, but felt a calling to the Reebok. They made one of the best transfer season moves of the summer by getting Bulgarian midfielder Martin Petrov on a free. Petrov was a very useful player for Man City, but just could not find the pitch enough. I think he will fit in wonderfully for Bolton. They also have several other players I enjoy. Stuart Holden is a great American midfielder. I think he will do good things for Bolton once he recovers from injury and adjusts his game from the MLS to the EPL. Gary Cahill is a great, versatile defender who deserves a shout with the English national team. Lord knows England needs help in the back with the virtual disintegration of John Terry and the continued injury woes of Rio Ferdinand. A Michael Dawson-Gary Cahill duo could be in the future for England. Kevin Davies is one of my favorite strikers in English football. He is an institution at Bolton and well worth a pick up for your fantasy squads. I think all signs point to a great season for Bolton unless Coyle’s Burnley ghosts intervene and the team bus runs over a land mine or something.

Owen Coyle blows a kiss at the legion of Burnley fans chasing him with pitchforks.

8-Blackburn

I believe Blackburn are the team to reach up and grab the Birmingham City mantle of “team that overachieves due to a staunch backline and great goalkeeping.”  His international adventures aside, Paul Robinson is a fantastic domestic goal keeper who was one of the best in the position during the 2009-2010 season. I think the combination of Robinson and a staunch defensive back line led by New Zealand homeboy Ryan Nelsen and the likes of Samba, Gillet, and Salgado will make Blackburn a very difficult side to steal 3 points from. Sam Allardyce is another one of the managers who knows what the hell they are doing. I doubt this Rovers side will bring back memories of Kenny Dalglish and the magical 1994-1995 squad. Shearer and Sutton aren’t walking through that door, but I think this team will defend its way to a top 8 finish.

(I just gave them the kiss of death.)

7- Everton

7 and above is where things reach the coin flip territory. These teams are all strong. They all have weaknesses. It will be a crapshoot.

I’m going to go with Everton to finish 7th. I love their squad. Tim Howard, Jack Rodwell, Stephen Piennar, the soccer ninja Tim Cahill, Saha, Artetta, Baines, Neville, Jagielka, etc. David Moyes is a tremendous manager. However, this team has had too many horrific starts, and terrible injury spells to make a serious top 4 run in recent years. They were fantastic in the second half of 2009/2010 but injuries and a slow start led them too far off the pace. They are healthy right now, but I think the bug will hit them and they won’t have the depth to overcome those issues like the Top 6 will. Much in the vain of Martin Petrov, I believe Jermaine Beckford was a great addition to Everton and will bring scoring up top. He will at least be better than Yakubu.

6- Liverpool

I think this will be another transition year for Liverpool. They are kind of caught in a spin cycle until something can be done about their ownership situation. Hicks and Gillette have been disastrous as owners. I’m just worried about what happens if they get sold to some nameless, faceless international mystery man or corporation. Things could turn out well for them like Man City who hit the jackpot or apocalyptic like Portsmouth who are probably going to be a distant memory in 2 years.I like the addition of Hodgson as manager. I think the team needs a few impact players. Retaining Torres was huge, if he can stay fit. Gerrard will always be Gerrard. I think Kuyt and Macherano will be out the door at some point. Maxi Rodriguez needs to follow them. Pepe Reina is a good goalie, assuming he sobers up following his World Cup high. Liverpool has made some nice acquistions this Summer including Milan Jovanovic, Christian Poulsen and Joe “Lionel Messi” Cole. I think some slight improvement this year, and then a new owner will come and break the bank open.  Cheer up Liverpool, at least Macca still sounds good!

5- Arsenal

Arsenal are a giant team with, with a small team mentality. They are talented and play entertaining soccer, but they tend to guard their wallet as though spending a large amount of money for an impact, good player will spell doom for the entire rest of the world. It was a victory for the Arsenal when they were able to fend off Barcelona’s attempts to basically adopt Cesc Fabergas this offseason. Barcelona engaged in the definition of tampering. For a team that has to take out loans to pay its staff, and already have a loaded midfield, Barcelona were just ridiculous in their behavior. Grow up. If Aresenal has a weakness, it is basically their defense. They need a central defender. And they really, really need a goalie. Manuel Almunia moves in the net about as well as someone named Manuel Aluminum. They have some nice up and coming talent in Jack Wilshire, Kieran Gibbs, and Samir Nasri. Thier placement in the table will be heavily dependent on the health of Robin van Persie, which if you know a bit about the Notorious RVP is never a certain thing.

4- Tottenham

Come on you Spurs! They are my favorite squad. However, I sadly believe that Robbie Keane’s last days are at hand in White Hart Lane. He is the captain of the Irish team, so you just know I have a man crush on him. I think Tottenham will advance to the group stage of the Champions League. They have a first round matchup against a team called the BSC Young Boys. They are based out of Bern. I believe they are managed by Gary Glitter. Making the Champions league group stage will be a big deal for Tottenham. They probably need 2 or 3 more players, but I think they have the depth to do well in the EPL and the Champions League. Ledley King and Michael Dawson from a strong defensive pairing in the middle. Guys like Aaron Lennon, Luka Modric, Gio dos Santos, and Niko Kranjcar can create chaos in the open field. Gomes was one of the best keepers in the EPL last season. Guys like Jermaine Defoe, Peter Crouch, Roman Pavlyuchenko, and hopefully either Craig Bentley or Robbie Keane form the best Strikeforce since Santana and Martel. I’m hopelessly biased, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Also keep an eye on 20 year old Danny Rose who scored an absolute firecracker of a goal in his only game last season. I expect great things for him in the future domestically and for England. The team is set. Redknapp is back at manager. Hopefully this team of stars has the same chemistry as the cast of The Expendables. Oh my God, how freaking awesome does that movie look? I love me some Sly Stallone, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, and Mickey Rourke among others.

Tottenham in 2010-2011.

3-Manchester City

Gordan Gekko on Manchester City’s recent transfer market habits:

What can you say about Man City? They are just a walking All Star team up and down their entire roster. From Given and Hart in net to the Nigel de Jong to the Brothers Toure to Adam Johnson to Carlos Tevez to Gareth Barry to Adebayor to Balotelli to Jerome Boateng and David Silva. They are so stacked. They also have way too many players. Teams like Blackburn, Sunderland, Tottenham, Bolton etc. will benefit when the likes of Stephen Ireland, Joeleon Lescott, Roque Santa Cruz, Wayne Bridge, etc. all get dispersed to other teams. EPL teams can only carry 25 men on their active roster, and Man City have nearly half that. Administrative issues aside, they are loaded and I think they will continue to gel nicely as the season roars on. Roberto Mancini will be under a great deal of pressure to get this team moving int he right direction. He might get sacked, but I think their talent will rise and they will be playing Champions league football in 2011-2012.

I had the opportunity to attend a friendly exhibition between Man City- and Inter in Baltimore back in July. It was a fun experience among a small crowd in M&T Bank Stadium. The pre game tailgate with my pals Johnny and Wank was fun after Wank and I walked the entire circumfrence of the stadium trying to find the right parking lot. I recently purchased an Irish National Team goalkeeper’s range. I brought it with me because Shay Given was playing for Man City and how often is the Irish goalkeeper going to be playing a game an hour away from my house? However, it was also quite warm and humid so I never actually wore the jersey. I just carried it the whole time and wore my cut off sleeve shirt the entire time. I felt a bit like Larry the Cable Guy. Man City weren’t quite able to Git ‘er done and got stomped 3-0. They played most of the game with 10 men after Viera was sent off. It was more an acrimony than a friendly. Most of the guys in for Man City like Ireland and SWP will probably get loaned or sold off anyway, so you couldn’t get a real sense of the club. Like usual Joeleon Lescott played like hell. Everton should get arrested for highway robbery because of that deal. My God they owned Man City there.

2-Chelsea

This was the toughest call for me. Chelsea are the defending champions by 1 point from 2009-2010. They return most of their major stars. Joe Cole, Ballack, Deco, and Carvalho are all gone. I think they can live without most of those guys except for Carvalho. Alex and John Terry ahve to step up their play for 2010-2011. This has just been a horrible summer for JT. Starting with the sex scandal involing Wayne Bridge, the failed World Cup mutiny against Fabio Capello, and his overall poor play. I don’t know if he has lost a step or his head is in the gutter, but me must snap out of it. However, I tend to think he is one of the most oblivious individuals in the history of the world, so good luck with that. Otherwise they are still deep. Drogba will be Drogba. Frank Lampard always dominates in the EPL. The return of Essien will be huge. Ashley Cole seems to be sticking around. He is the best English player in the entire world. Petr Cech wears a neat hat. Its going to be a very close race again, but I think Chelsea will overcome their age issues to finish near the very top of the table again. I just think they will get nipped by Man U.

Tool.

1- Manchester United

The Red Devils are going back to the top of the mountain in 2010-2011. People like to make hay over how old the likes of Ryan Giggs, Edwin Van der Sar, Gary Neville, and Paul Scholes are but they can still play a great game of soccer. I think Wayne Rooney will bounce back from his summer of discontent. Unlike Capello, Alex Ferguson knows how to put The Roon in positions where he can succeed and put the ball in the back of the net. Javier Hernandez was a great signing and I think he and Macheda will play a big role up top for Man U this season. If they can get 7 or  goals out of those two kids it will be golden. Rio Ferdinand is always injured, but Johnny Evans is a very capable backup. I watched quite a few of Man U’s summer games in the United States and Ryan Giggs was awesome. He hasn’t slowed down at all and still places a pass better than anyone in world football. They have the best football manager in the world. The team is relatively healthy and may ever snag a Mezut Ozil or someone like that before the transfer window is closed. However, I think the team is still loaded, deep, and ready to take names this season.

2010-2011 will bring Red Dead Redemption to Old Trafford.

Man U are about to play a little Redemption Song.

Here is a link to John’s Amazon page. All his books are 4 stars and higher. He has written about horse racing, Baltimore, Dallas football, and the NFL.
http://www.amazon.com/John-Eisenberg/e/B00…t_athr_dp_pel_1

We will be discussing the World Cup which John just attended for 2 weeks, Baltimore sports, his time covering Dallas High school football, his new book about Vince Lombardi, current projects and so much more.

I will also be covering the latest in UFC, World Cup, the LeDecision, and more.

Your calls are requested at 646-716-5746. You’re always welcome.

Elevation Radio with John Eisenberg

You know you do

Coach’s answers in bold. Be sure to visit his website

The Dragon Slayer is a man of virtue and posseses the warrior spirit.

JPK- Hello Coach, I appreciate you taking the timeout to answer a few of my questions. First of all, prior to your involvement in Survivor: Tocantins and Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains did you undergo any sort of training regimen to prepare yourself physically or mentally for your time in the game?

CBW- The first time I went to Tocantins I worked out, but all in the wrong way. I was doing heavy weights and an hour of cardio. WRONG. Worst thing you can do. Survivor is all about sprint spring jackass all over the place. So the second time (whats the saying? First time shame on you, second time shame on me) I trained like a warrior. I knew what to expect. I worked out three times a day, sprinted on the sand, weights, swimming, and then I would sit down exhausted and work out a puzzle. That’s the key.

JPK-How did you become a part of the Survivor franchise? Did you decide to apply and audition for the show on your own, or did family or a group of friends get the word out about you?

CBW-I sent in a tape with an application. My coaching staff was asking me to apply for a show, the soccer players wanted me to go on the bachelor, and one thing let to another and voilla

JPK-Did you find it more challenging to play the game in Survivor: Tocantins where all the contestants were total strangers or in Heroes vs. Villains where many of the contestants already had relationships with each other coming into the game?

CBW- Tocantins was by far better because we all had a fair shot. It was a lot of getting to know people and fencing mentally every day to see who you wanted to go with. On an all stars the fate of some are decided before they even walk on the first challenge.

JPK- During this past season, you like many others were extremely critical of Russell. Now that you have had the chance to look back and see the way he played the game from a different perspective, has your opinion of Russell as a person and as a competitor changed at all?

CBW-I respect all competitors and if you read my interviews you will see that I have lightened up in terms of other people and my opinion of them

Good to see that Coach and the Evil One are back on the same page

JPK- I agreed with your vote of Parvati as champion for Heroes vs. Villains. Do you think it is fair that Sandra won solely because she was not Russell or Parvati?

CBW-Life is not fair. Survivor, without question, is atrociously not fair. I think that the strongest should win, and the most noble, but that just doesn’t happen sometimes. Its frustrating but you gotta learn to deal with it

JPK-It seemed like in the Survivor: Tocantins season you spent a great deal of time sharing your tremendous survival experiences, such as the awesome getting captured by pygmies story. Did you make a conscientious decision not to be as forthcoming about your past experience in the Heroes vs. Villains season or were they mostly edited out?‘

CBW-I told a story every single night. I think if I had gone farther they would have shown them more. I love telling stories they are part of what makes me me.

JPK-You seem like a very spiritual and philosophical person. Are there any particular authors or works of literature that were particularly important in your philosophical development?

CBW-Shantaram is the best book I have ever read. A Voyage Beyond Reason isn’t a slouch either I love all philosophers, because there is something that you can learn from each teacher if you just open your ears to hear, your mind to mold, and your body to breathe it in (I just made that up, literally in five seconds)

JPK-Are there any particular lessons you learned on Survivor that have changed your approach to soccer coaching or working with symphonies?

CBW-Be true to your self no matter what

Walk the way of the noble warrior even when everyone around you does not

Don’t take yourself so seriously

You can admit wrongs and defeat

Be more humble

JPK-In your work as a Maestro with the Susanville Symphony, I’m assuming that you primarily work in the work with the classical music medium, however on the Survivor Ponderosa show, we saw you Courtney and J.T. delve more into the rock and roll/ electronic dance music side of things, coming off that experience do you expect to spend more time creating and performing rock music?

CBW-I would love for a producer to come along right now and say lets record your band. I like creating, whether it is the character of the dragonslayer or the classical music of a symphony or the rock and roll of a band.

JPK-Are there any coaches in soccer, or any other sport, that influence your philosophical and day to day style of coaching?

CBW-No. I look to people outside of soccer to be my mentors because although some people say soccer is life, life is not soccer and you must branch out of your own world to truly see.

JPK-Since you are a collegiate soccer coach, do you follow the professional game at all, and do you have any prediction on who will win the 2010 World Cup?

CBW-Look for Ivory Coast to make a strong showing. I think that England might look good, and if Argentina coach gets it together than maybe we will see something good from them too.

Coach + Drogba could equal World Cup gold for the Ivory Coast.

JPK-Coach, now that Survivor Heroes vs. Villains has wrapped up, are you exploring any other potential acting or reality television roles for the future? America needs more Ben Wade.

CBW-I just wrapped up filming a movie called Isabel, filmed by the Ketola brothers in Maine. I have a supporting role there. I am also staring in the movie 180 www.180film.com that is filmed this summer. Both movies will be out later this year or early next year. Another door is opened and Im kickin it in.

JPK-Now finally Coach, do you have any future plans to head back down to South America and kick a little Amazonian pygmy ass?  I think it’s time you got a little pay back.

CBW-HAHA That’s a good one. I have always wanted to go back and kick some ass down there but the time for retribution has passed. I am now more the peaceful warrior than the vengeful ahole.

Don't piss off the half pint pygmy.

I want you to know that I will be doing a radio show this Wednesday night at 10PM EST with my buddy Johnny Moorhead who is a soccer expert. Listen to us here. We really want your calls.  We will break down all the groups, and share the teams, players, coaches that you must look out for during the tournament. I promise no gratuitous Diego Maradona cocaine jokes. Besides our World Cup chat, I will be revealing the contents of my exclusive e-mail interview with the great Coach Ben Wade from Survivor. Coach was my favorite contestant from the last season on Survivor. He wasn’t able to make the radio show, but he was kind enough to take part in an e-mail interview with me. The Dragonslayer was in fine form and it will be quite entertaining.

Coach: Part Man, Part Myth, Part Dragon Slayer

I will reveal my final 4 for the tournament which includes one CRAZY, IDTIOTIC, PSYCHO surprise.
I’ll be back in a few days with the Coach interview, NHL and NBA thoughts, and World Cup.

It was a solid show. I’m not going to sit here and say that it will be forever on the consciousnesses of the wrestling fan’s mind like Mania X-7 or something ridiculous like that, but it was an entertaining way to spend 4 hours.

Here is a run down of the card:

Yoshi Tatsu won a 26 man dark match battle royale. Nobody except the live people saw it, so I can’t really comment. Seeing as how he hasn’t been on Raw the last two weeks since winning, it clearly was a career changing moment. He is a fine man.

The show began with a long ass video package talking about how special WrestleMania is. Thank you WWE. I’m already going to be sitting in a chair for 4 hours watching the damn show, I don’t need to be reminded about its specialness.

Miz and The Big Show defeated R-Truth and John Morrison in a 3 minute nothing match that would have been better at a house show in Piscataway, New Jersey then the biggest wrestling show of the year. There was nothing special here. It ended with the usual “Big Show punching a guy in the face while the refs were turned away” finish we have seen 4356 times the past 10 months on Raw and Smackdown.

"What's Up?" Not your popularity among fans.

The WWE tag team situation really sucks right now. I don’t want to sound like Rick Pitino but, “The Steiner Brothers aren’t walking through that door. The Hart Foundation isn’t walking through that door. The Rockers aren’t walking through that door.”
Can The Mexicools at least walk through that door?

After that amazing exhibition in professional grappling we were greeted by the lightly anticipated three way between Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, and Randy Orton. That sounded a little gay. However to be honest, DiBiase and Rhodes would probably be more recognizable to the general public if they had spent the last two years in gay porn than wrestling. Lets just say there is probably alot of homosexual men and frustrated housewives who would have rather seen those two “get swallowed by The Viper” than the actual match.

Moving on.

This match had a horrific build in the lead up to Mania. Rhodes and DiBiase should have formed a tag team called Mind and Matter. Nobody pays much mind to Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase Jr. doesn’t matter at all. In the weeks leading up to Mania Orton was presented as a half face/ half heel which = zero reaction. The other two guys have been jobbers throughout their entire alliance with Orton and this feud did nothing to change that perception.

It was actually a pretty good match. Orton won with an RKO on DiBiase after punting Rhodes in the head. The action was pretty swift, and the people were really into Orton as a babyface. I have no idea why because the pre Mania Raw crowds could have cared less about him, but the Mania hardcores were completely into him as a face. The crowd stood up when he was about to hit the drapping double DDT on the other two guys like he was Hulk Hogan hulking up for the Atomic Leg Drop.

Randy Orton's reaction to reading the gay porn soliloquy.

Up next was MITB. It was a solid match, but did not feature the suicidal hilarity of most years. I imagine this was a result of the new emphasis on wrestlers’ health due to Linda’s stupid Senate campaign. Having someone like Shelton Benjamin getting injured from falling from a 10 foot ladder through an announce table onto Matt Hardy would probably look bad.

There really wasn’t anything too memorable here except for Kofi Kingston creating a pair of stilts from a broken ladder. That was pretty creative, but wasn’t exactly death defying or anything. There were 10 men here. Thinking back to this match a few weeks later, I have no memory of 8 of them.
Jack Swagger won after taking a hilariously long amount of time to unhook the briefcase from hanging hook. Time just completely stood still during this moment. It took Swagger so goddamn long to take the briefcase down, Stephen Hawking could have made a run in here. Swagger is now the champion on Smackdown. He has already jobbed twice to Randy Orton since winning MITB. I expect that to be the norm of his glorious title reign.

In the next match HHH defeated Sheamus clean in the middle of the ring with a Pedigree. I don’t really want to talk about this match because the result sickens me, but Hunter looked like he had been sleeping in a tanning bed for 9 straight days coming into this match. I wish he had just stayed in it.

Up next Rey Mysterio Jr. defeated CM Punk in a really good 6 minute match. This bout would have been better if they took away the stupid 5 minute pre-match video package and just given the guys more time in the ring. Rey came out in his stupid Mania super hero costume. He was dressed like one of the Na’Vi from Avatar. Yes, because I would definitely wear ring gear that pays homage to the Na’Vi tribe while engaged in a fight defending the blood honor of my family against a hated rival. I love CM Punk’s Straight Edge Society. That group has 5 members if you include Luke Gallows, Serena, CM Punk and the two bald men attached to Serena’ chest.

I didn’t really understand why Rey won this match. I would have loved to see him have to be a memmer of the Straight Edge Society. Plus, they are continuing the feud. Booking 101 says you have the heel win the initial matchup of a long feud so that the fans will pay to see the face get his revenge. Based on the results of the Cena, HHH, and Rey Jr. matches, Booking 101 is no longer a part of the WWE cirriculum.

Following Punk-Rey we go to witness a strange beat down 13 years in the making. With the exception of Shawn vs. Taker, Bret-Vince was my most anticipated match going into WrestleMania. It was just surreal seeing Bret out there on Raw the last few months and competing at WrestleMania after some of the comments he gave on my show back in January of 2009. Check out www.blogtalkradio.com/elevationradio to hear my interview with The Hitman.

Coming into this match, I knew that both men were going to be severely limited physically. Vince is now 64 years old, suffers from back pain and was never a great ring technician to begin with. He has had alot of good street fights through the years, but age has to be catching up with him. Bret is 52 years old, coming off a stroke, severe concussions that ended his active career, and a right knee replacement. That being said, both men actually did very well performing the physical elements of the match. Vince did a great job of selling and taking a massive beating, while Bret looked very good throwing on the sharpshooter, and hitting elbow drops, and some of the other basic offensive things he used to do during the early days. It was good seeing Bret get out there and receive a little peace and closure in his life through this match and his recent reconcilation with Shawn Michaels, however the match itself was put together in such a strange, backwards way.

Bret came to the ring first after a massive pop. Vince then came out and informed Bret that the match was now a lumberjack match and it would have a special referee. Vince than revelaed that the lumberjacks were all of Bret’s brothers, sisters, and member of the Hart Dynasty. The special referee was Bruce Hart who had been doing a stellar impression of Bernie Lomax from “Weekend at Bernie’s” throughout the previous night’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony and the beginning stages of this match. I think the aviator sunglasses were welded onto his face. This was a pretty interesting surprise, but it was kind of dumb when a minute later Bret revealed that actually, he had met with the Hart Family beforehand and that The Hart Family was actually on his side and had  created a unified front against Vince.

Alright, I understand pulling a fast one on Vince, but shouldn’t this surprise had been revelaed during the course of the match instead of beforehand? Just too much going on at once. So of course the Harts than turned on Vince and created what was basically a 1 vs 15 handicap match. I’ll be honest, it is kind of hard to cheer for a 64 year old heel getting beaten down by an entire family. This almost became a retirement match for Vince when he took a brutal bump from an off the rope Hart Attack administered by Tyson Kidd and Harry Boy Smith. After getting beaten on by the family for awhile, Vince then hid under the ring and pulled out a tool of some type and caused the Hart Family to back away like he was holding a thermal detonator like Leia when she was dressed as a bounty hunter in Return of the Jedi.

Vince then hopped in the ring and proceeded to get beaten down for a very, very, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery long time by Bret. The beating included all sorts of elbows and kicks, and a crowbar. The worst part was when Bret hit Vince close to 20 times with a single chair. If it was any other performer taking a beatdown like this, they would be over to a Rock like level as a babyface, but this was Bret v. Vince, so the people weren’t going to start booing The Hitman and cheering Vince. Finally, after a ton of chair shots and teases that resulted in kicks to the man area Bret finally clamped down the Sharpshooter and we got the moment we had all been waiting for. Vince tapped out and The Harts all had a group hug. I wanted to give Vince a hug after this match. It was just booked so backwards and the psychology sucked. People want to see the face get beaten on forever and then have the heel get beaten in the end. They’d rather not see a 15 minute face family on heel beat down. Apparently Vince wants to retire the Mr. McMahon character so he wanted to go out by getting the holy hell beaten out of him. Whatever. People just wanted to see Bret hit the Sharpshooter, not the Vince McMahon vanity project. That was just strange to watch. Its good to see Bret is back in good health, but that was just weird.

I like Bret Hart's jeans in this picture.

Chris Jericho then defeated Edge in a very good singles match. Jericho did a fantastic job of working over Edge’s torn achilles. This match reminded me of alot of the older matches I saw on my Bret Hart DVD this week. I was watching some great singles matches from Bret against the likes of Ted DiBiase and Ricky Steamboat. I love watching the old time, slower paced style of one guy targeting the other’s specific body part and doing everything possible to work over that particular area. It gives the match a great story and makes every move feel important and logical. This is unlike today where most matches are clearly heavily scripted out and are basically Move A followed by Move B followed by Move C followed by the finisher. My favotie spot in this match was when Jericho worked over the achilles by putting Edge into a half Boston crab. Y2J got the victory after hitting Edge with the title followed by a kickout. The finish really caught me off guard. I guess I am just used to the typical WWE Mania finishes of the face kicking out of the heel’s finishing move and getting the victory. However, unpredictability can be good if done correctly. A very deliberate, retro early 90s WWE match. I’ll take a well worked story over a spot fest 8 days a week,

Following Edge-Jericho there was a horrific multi-woman tag team match. It was horrific. It is amazing how bad the female workers in TNA and WWE are at wrestling. They all look hot and a few are decent here or there, but the total divas’s division is filler. Gone are the days of Trish vs. Lita.
The final match for this review is Batista vs. John Cena. The two big men actually had a much better match than I was expecting. It was a little clunky in points, but had a nice mixture of athleticism and strength. The finish came when Cena was able to reverse a Batista bomb into a STF which caused Big Dave to tap out. Batista and Cena aren’t quite Kurt Angle-like ring technicians, but they are really good at all of their signature moves. All of their major moves are also super over so the crowd is always into their finishes. The five knuckle shuffle into a spine buster was another sequence of this match that I enjoyed. In a perfect world, Dave would have won this match. He has been the best heel in the company since turning last year. His promos and outfits have all been fantastic. The build for this match was tremendous, and the two giants  definitely lived up to the hype.

Batista may have lost to John Cena, but he is forever a bad ass.

You can read my review for Shawn-Taker in the entry that is just below this one.